He never lets go

I bet I’ve stared at this exact blank page over 1000 times since March. I keep opening it up thinking I have something to say, and then find myself clicking the little ‘x’ in the top corner without having written a word. And yet, here I sit again. And I’m not really sure I have anything to say now, either. As I looked back at the post previous to this one, I am taken aback because life is so different these days, and I am not the same girl that wrote that post.  I do, however, remember her very well.

I remember faking my way through conversations, smiling and being joyous on the outside while my heart ached on the inside. Tears filled my days – and I remember feeling so…foolish. Foolish because I didn’t understand it, foolish because I couldn’t explain it, and foolish because I knew I was in the grip of my Savior’s hand – and yet I couldn’t grasp that. I couldn’t get that promise to go from my heart to my head; couldn’t get that to soak in (Seems so easy now, looking back on it). My life was so full – yet from my perspective, it was empty. I can remember thinking several times how much easier it would be to just turn the wheel of my car, and let it drift off the road. Anything would’ve been better than what I was experiencing, right? People didn’t understand. I didn’t understand. And I was tired. And escaping this world sounded so appealing.

And then one day I just gave up. In fact, it was right after I read the post I copied on my last entry. I had been reading this girl’s posts for a while – not every day but randomly when I’d decide to log in and check up on people I was “following” on my blog  - and I just so happened to read hers on a day when, from the looks of her post, we were walking in the same shoes. Jenny from Addison Road told a story of how she was going through a valley. She related it to a time she got thrown off a raft while white water rafting and almost drowned. She made this comment:

“The instructor catches my eye. He is on the shoreline now. Someone is coming for you, he says. Look at me. Stop panicking. You have to breathe. Do what I tell you to do. Go under water when I count to three. When you come up, blow out and take a huge breath. 1. 2. 3. Go. Do it again. Someone’s coming. Go under... now….

I'm not even sure if the event was as perilous as I remember it or not. But I felt that it was. I felt that I was losing control. I felt myself fighting to breathe. To keep my head above water. To hold my breath. To listen to the voice of the guy on the side who kept telling me someone was coming for me. I knew I was fighting. To someone else, say a professional rafter or swimmer or professionally brave person, this may not have been a fight at all. But it wasn't them, it was me. And for me, it was a battle….The past year or two I have been fighting. And I know it. Maybe not anything too huge: I'm not fighting cancer or divorce or poverty or the complete destruction of my homeland. I'm just fighting the constant flow of water beating down on me. Little tiny blows that when taken one after another begin to threaten my endurance, wear down on my body, and try to steal my joy. ” [http://www.jennysimmons.com/]

I remember breaking out in tears, thinking “that’s me! that’s how I feel too!” For the first time I felt understood. To the outside world, my life was pretty close to perfect but for me, on the inside, it was a battle and I was drowning. Falling on my face before the Lord, I was honest for the first time in months. I told Him how I felt, what I thought, and I even mentioned the whole “it’d be easier if I could just drive off the road” part. He listened, like He always does, as I poured my heart at His feet.

I don’t really remember the transition from the bottom of the valley to the climb up the mountaintop, but I remember that I was suddenly able to breathe. I felt like this huge weight had been lifted, and while things didn’t immediately go from horrible to perfect in one moment, they did start to get better.

That walk through the valley hasn’t really crossed my mind much since then. I’ve been so focused on the incredible blessings in my life, that I haven’t forced time to think about what life was like back then. It was, after all, a horribly dark time in my life, a time that I can’t really explain or put into words. But the Lord reminded me of something yesterday, and my mind drifted back and I suddenly realized something I couldn’t bring myself to believe back then.

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
      He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
      for the Lord holds them by the hand. [Psalm 37:23-24]

Oh, how sweet those words are. And so very true! God does delight in EVERY detail of our lives, and He directs our steps. Little did I realize that when I was crawling on my stomach through the valley so full of darkness and muck of this world, that my Savior was right beside me, with His hand in perfect grip with mine. And there was no way He was letting me go.

On the days I chose not to pray – He was holding my hand.

On the days I broke down, screaming and yelling at Him – He was holding my hand.

On the days I considered driving off the road– He was holding my hand.

On the day I laid my heart at His feet in sweet surrender – He was holding my hand.

He was there. He IS here.

Even in the valley. Even when we’re drowning.

And He’s always got us in the firm grip of His hand.

And He never [ever] lets go.

birthday reflections

In less than two hours I’ll be a day older than I am today. The unique thing about tomorrow, though, is that I’ll also be crossing over into 26. [geez.]


The past 364 days sure have passed quickly. It’s been a crazy year for sure. As tomorrow has been sneaking closer, I’ve been thinking about all that’s happened in the past year…the good and not-so-good, the happy moments and the moments where tears have fallen for days on end; moments of brokenness and ones of complete bliss. I’ve definitely experienced the deepest of valleys and the tip top of the mountain. All in all, though, it’s been a good year.

And so I decided to make a list…because I love lists…that reflects the past 364 days. Don’t worry, I won’t be listing that many things…but my goal is to list a few of the things/events/people/moments/etc that have made a mark in the last year. I know I will in NO WAY cover every person that has influenced me this year [or in my entire life] so I tried to simply include the "new" additions from this past year.

[in no particular order]

* Psalm 37:4 – Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. [this verse has always meant a lot to me, but it took the majority of the past year to learn what this meant and to live this out in every area and every day of my life]. It changed my perspective and my focus in life. Thank You Lord, for this promise.

* Family vacation to New York. This was one of my most favorite vacations with my family. It included lots of laughter and lots of tears, but overall it was memorable beyond what words can describe. I am so thankful for a family that loves me, supports me, prays for me, cares about me, trusts me,…for a family that lets me make my own mistakes, all the while advising me and praying me through each moment. I love y’all, so very much!

* Camp Fuego. [I know, you're not a new addition, but still.] Over the past 4 years, this has become my 2nd family. While I only get to see most of them once a year [for 2 weeks], I am so very thankful for their role in my life. Their support and guidance has carried me through much of this past year. They never once complained when I have called just because I needed a venue, a place to speak my mind, and ended a conversation without ever asking how they were doing. You know y’all rank [as a group of course] in the top 5 most important people in my life. I love you forever.

* Lane. You know there aren’t words, but I will attempt nonetheless. We’ve almost been friends for a year, and I am, first and foremost, thankful for our friendship. That has been the best part of this whole thing. I truly love being your friend. I am also thankful for your heart, your words, your compassion, your selflessness, and [most importantly] your love for the Lord. [I’m even thankful for your OCD and super planning self! (I wouldn't change any of that for anything, fyi)]. You have this uncanny way of making me smile [and laugh]. You are the best part of my days [besides Jesus of course] and I cannot imagine you not being in my world. You are absolutely incredible and such a blessing in my life. I think I’ll keep you! [pinky promise]

* Wendy. We’ve cried, and laughed. We’ve rejoiced and we’ve mourned, in many ways. We’ve covered every subject from fashion to boys, from our families to a little bit of English. You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and I am so thankful that the Lord placed you across the hall from me. Every step of this year, no matter how hard [or how joyous] has an imprint of you in it. I love our friendship, and I love you. :)

* Alicia and Caitlin. I have so enjoyed this past year with y’all. Alicia – crazy how a conversation in a hot, humid laundry room spurred on a wonderful friendship! I cannot imagine life without you in it. Caitlin – Serving with you in DG has blessed my soul in ways I cannot even explain. You are wise beyond your years and I [even though older] look up to you so very much! Girls, your personalities are contagious, and our conversations are absolutely refreshing. I cherish every moment we get together, even though they are few and far between. You girls mean the world to me and I am blessed to have you as my little sisters and 2 of my best friends.

* My lunch girls [and Tyler]. Sometimes I want to wring your necks, but I love y’all regardless. We’ve been through a lot this year. At some point or another, each one of us has experienced heartbreak and amazingly fabulous moments. We’ve failed, and we’ve succeeded. We’ve prayed together, laughed together…we’ve watched each other make mistakes, and make some of the greatest decisions of our lives [both good and not-so-much]. Regardless, we’ve stood beside each other through it all. I love you all, and I look forward to walking through your final year with you [except Ashley (and Tyler, you'll be gone)]. Room 304 will be waiting for you in August. :)

* Jeremiah 33:3 – Call unto Me and I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

* Ryan and Hunter. Watching my big brothers get engaged/married has been such a blessing! Y’all have taught me so much about what it means to be in a Godly relationship, and how important it is to not settle for less than what I deserve. In the past year, y’all have prayed for me, supported me [even in dumb/immature moments], advised me, and teased me like only brothers can do. Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough. I have so enjoyed getting to see y'all pursue the loves of your lives and have watched as the Lord has orchestrated each moment, changing and adding qualities needed to perfect you for your forever. Thank you, for letting me be apart of those moments. I love you both!

* Jeremiah 29:13 –you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.

* My 9th/10th grade girls. We’ve been together since October, and I cherish every moment we get together. It has been such a blessing watching y’all grow and mature this year. I am so proud of the young women you are becoming and I pray that you continue to let the Lord guide you in EVERY area of your life. Remember, a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. So seek Him, and fear Him, and put all your hope in Him. Delight in Him …He will give you the desires of your heart. Trust me! Love yall!

*Grady/Robin/Tye/Tobi/Tom/Traci. It has been amazing getting to know yall this year. I can't even explain what a blessing it has been to be apart of your lives. I have enjoyed every moment we've had. Not only have yall been wonderful friends, but your marriages have been amazing examples for me to watch. Thank you, for letting me be a fly on the wall in that area of your life. Thank you for the support, prayers, and love [and kleenexes when needed] you've given. I am thankful to be able to call y'all friends. love you!
* Brittani/Cody. Your marriage is impeccable. Every moment spent with y’all leave me encouraged. I pray my marriage is a lot like what you have. [and be prepared because I’ll probably be calling you during the first year]. Thanks for being great friends! I love you both!

* Proverbs 31:30. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised!

* Jenny – you have walked me through heartbreak and so many tears this year. You’ve listened as I cried and we’ve rejoiced in the welcoming of your new bundle growing inside of you! Our friendship has been amazing and I am so thankful that it stands strong even though miles apart. My favorite part, perhaps, is knowing that I can call you at any moment and you'll be ready with the exact words of wisdom I needed for that moment. Thank you for that. I love you!

*Amber - It has been a blessing this past year picking up our friendship. Crazy how it felt like we never skipped a beat! I am so thankful for your kind words, encouragement, honesty talks [when you'd had to tell me to stop being ridiculous], and love. Our friendship makes me smile.  I love you.

* Sand volleyball. This event not only brought me closer to a great group of people, but it sparked a determination in weight loss like never before. After a summer of eating healthy and working out by doing something fun, 50 lbs no longer exists on my body. Thank you, volleyball crew, for making me play, for putting up with the fact that I’m horrible for the first hour [and not much better after that], and for being so much fun to be around!

* Carrie, Susie, and Sherry. We’ve only been chatting for a few months, but y’all have been such a pivotal part of the last year for me. I’m not even sure how daily visits started, but I am so thankful they did. Your advice, laughter, and the fact that you let me interrupt your days have had more impact on me than you will ever know. Thanks for letting me hide out every day.

I'm sure there are other new additions and life moments that I've skipped. I've been working on this for a few hours now [and keep having to change the first sentence as time has passed], and exhaustion has taken over. I am thankful for each one of you, for your role in my life. I tried to cover the new additions since last year, so please do not think you were overlooked.  Thank you, for loving me - even when I fail to love you back sometimes. the Lord has definitely blessed me in the area of friendships in life - and I know that I would not be who I am today without all of you! And to the people above, the "new" in my life. Welcome... :) and thank you for putting up with me, and for loving me despite my flaws. I look forward to more moments with you [all of you]. love you all!

stop panicking. and breathe. someone's coming.

I’ve been trying for quite some time – several months to be exact – to put into words exactly what’s been going on in my life. But words fail, because I have absolutely no idea how to explain my heart to you, which is a new feeling for me. Normally I can spout out words like it’s nothing…lately though, I’m lacking in that department. I wish you could just step into my shoes for a day or so, experience my feelings, thoughts, emotions, …experience the turmoil my soul is going through.
And so I cry. A lot. It’s stupid, really. Because when I look at my life, there is so much to be thankful for …and I know this, but lately it’s been really hard to see that. I’ve spent the majority of the past six months on my knees, begging for that light at the end of the tunnel, that curve in the road where the valley fades as the climb back up the mountain begins.

But it hasn’t come yet. And so I keep waiting. And I keep trying to find the words to explain it to people when they ask…but the words never come. And so I guess that God …in His crazy and intricate way…has chosen to keep me silent through this time and instead to use someone else’s words to get the point across. It’s funny how someone you don’t even know – have never even met – somehow takes your heart and places it perfectly on paper…[it’s long, but keep reading…]

The author is explaining how she’s almost died 3 times in her life [and told some pretty outrageous stories. Ha]. I’ll start as she’s explaining her 3rd almost encounter with death…

“Third time was white water rafting. And this time was a bit scarier. A bit more real. I was scared long before we ever started. I picked the raft with the biggest guys in the youth group because i reasoned that this would keep me safe and eliminate the chances of flipping over because of the extra weight. My friend Tim was on this raft. I trusted Tim because he was an Eagle Scout and lived at a Boy Scout Camp with his family and he was a trainer for the football team. To me, these all seemed like good qualifications for aptitude on the rafting course. A guy named Cody, a big ole' football player, was in the boat. One of my high school boyfriends, Jon, was on the boat and your high school boyfriends always protect you, right? :)



I am forgetting who all was in the raft, but it didn't matter, because we weren't in very long. We were going down the Ocea River. The place we let into the river was right where the dam opened up and was part of the Summer Olympic course the year prior. The most important thing they said was to make sure we paddled the right way at the very beginning because you would either hit a level two rapid on the left or a really difficult level four rapid on the right. And the level four rapid was not really meant for puny high school kids from the city like us. That was a part of the Olympic course.

I'm not sure what happened because it happened so fast, but I remember seeing my friend Tim hit his head on a rock and get pulled downstream. My instructor was yelling instructions and that was when Jon disappeared. I think Elizabeth was in the boat and she disappeared. Cody was gone. And I saw my paddles swept away and I vividly remember the rush of the water over my head. I was pinned in between two rocks now, still in the raft, and I couldn't catch my breath because the water kept coming and coming. It pounded down on me and rushed over my head. It was so strong. It was beating me. I knew it was beating me.


I'm drowning. I'm drowning.


Oh my God I'm drowning.


The instructor catches my eye. He is on the shoreline now. Someone is coming for you, he says. Look at me. Stop panicking. You have to breathe. Do what I tell you to do. Go under water when I count to three. When you come up, blow out and take a huge breath.


1. 2. 3. Go


Do it again. Someones coming. Go under... now.


By that point there are all kinds of people on the side of the river and I am having this out of body experience. It was so slow. So long. So labor intensive. Every single breath was a conscious decision. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Focus. Keep your mouth closed. Close your eyes. Breathe.


I'm not sure how long this went on. But eventually another raft came by and they pulled me from the two rocks that had me pinned and pulled me into their boat. Once we regrouped I learned that Tim was bleeding out of his head and had a concussion. The other guys were cut and banged up. But we were all OK. I was too scared to cry. I was just in shock.


I will always remember those moments because that is, I assume, what it feels like to fight for something.


I'm not even sure if the event was as perilous as I remember it or not. But I felt that it was. I felt that I was losing control. I felt myself fighting to breathe. To keep my head above water. To hold my breath. To listen to the voice of the guy on the side who kept telling me someone was coming for me. I knew I was fighting. To someone else, say a professional rafter or swimmer or professionally brave person, this may not have been a fight at all. But it wasn't them, it was me. And for me, it was a battle.


The past year or two I have been fighting. And I know it.


Maybe not anything too huge: I'm not fighting cancer or divorce or poverty or the complete destruction of my homeland.


I'm just fighting the constant flow of water beating down on me. Little tiny blows that when taken one after another begin to threaten my endurance, wear down on my body, and try to steal my joy.


This past week was one such week. Taken separately, even with just a week or so in between, it might have been more manageable. But taking it all together reminded me of being in that river, coaching myself through one breath after another.


[then she explains what’s been going on in her life…]




I hear that voice from the side of the river. You cannot panic. You have to breathe. Someone is coming for you. Breath Jenny. Someone is coming for you. I am coming. Do what I tell you to do. Take another breath.




Take another breath. Focus on Me. Nothing else. No one else. Go under. Come back up. Breath. Do it again. Keep going.


So maybe you are tired of hearing about the blows over the last year or so. The shingles and illnesses, the emergency surgeries, the unpaid bills, the stolen van, the family that moved all over the country before Annie was born, the stolen van and gear again, the wrecked van, the exhaustion, the doubt, the year that the line "till death do us part" became a command and not just a romantic simplicity, the little tiny blows that seem to keep coming and coming...


Maybe you are tired of hearing about them...


Well, I am tired of living them. Blow by blow living is not my desired mode of operation.


But I am not joyless. I am not depleted. I am not finished. I am not raising the flag of defeat nor am I trumpeting my tiny blows as a badge of pride. I have yet to crawl into a hole somewhere with my ice cream and ipod and not come out. I am just fighting.


And in the midst of the fight (which everyone faces, big or small) I am breathing. I am listening to that clear, strong voice that tells me someone is coming. And I believe it. And I am actually quite happy to fight.




Someone has come. I am not alone….




The Lord leads me beside still waters.




He restores my soul.




Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for You are with me.



It doesn't say how long that valley will last. It just says a valley. So my apologies to anyone who is annoyed at the length of my current valley. So am I!


I am not dying. My life is nowhere near as hard as a lot of people's. But that doesn't mean the blows aren't nothing. To me, they are. Your blows are hard for you too, no matter what shape, form, or size they come in. But they are not what define us.


Because there is a guide on the side of the river saying that someone is coming.




And while we are waiting on that someone, we see such perfect glimpses of love and beauty. We take breaths we didn't think we could take. We find hidden strength that fights hard on our behalf. We see faithfulness. We see miracles. Promises. We see redemption weaved into our stories.


And we are not just in a valley...



We are experiencing the beautiful mountain peaks at the same time. Those moments of grace. So technically we are living in the in between. Neither valley. Nor mountain.



We are living in a valleymount. A valtain. A movalley.


And we hope for the disease to be cured and for the parents to fall in love again and for the baby's illness to have a name and have an answer and for the jobs to come back and for the lost daughter to come home to her mother who longs to see her and we keep breathing and we keep living and loving and we keep at it...




Our stories are the stories of redemption. We are never just in a valley.




And that's enough to help me fight another day...”


So that's where I am. In that moment between drowning and bobbing up and down, gasping for breath as I wait for Someone to come. and I trust that God knows what He's doing. And He understands that I'm getting tired. but ...He understands.

And to quote Jenny Simmons [Addison Road]:

"And that's enough to help me fight another day..."

bucket list

*bolded statements means they've already been completed.



[written in 2005. it's long. i know. haha.]






1. write a book.


2. go to Australia and Niagra Falls. and New Zealand.


3. Pay off school loans.


4. Live outside of Texas.

5. Go skydiving.


6. be published in a magazine. [sort of. 2010. Charm mag, book review]


7. become an organ donor.


8. road trip with friends. (done this several times)


9. go skiing.


10. fall completely and deepling in love with Jesus. (summer 2006)


11. have a secret admirer.

12. work with youth girls in a church somewhere.


13. impact someone's life. [according to Parker, this has happened.]


14. receive flowers - just because


15. get a perfect score on a test.


16. go to Europe.


17. have a surprise party.


18. graduate from college [december 2006, bachelor of arts in human relations]

19. sit on the front row at a professional sporting event.


20. have a star named after me.


21. ride in a hot air balloon.


22. work for a magazine.


23. get my teeth bleached. [2008]


24. catch a fish (haven't done this since I was like 12).

25. learn and understand the major religions of the world.


26. attend a Women of Faith conference.

27. live in a loft, above a city.

28. read through and understand the history of the bible.


29. go to every state (alabama, arizona, arkansas, california, colorado, connecticut, florida, hawaii, illinois, kentucky, louisiana, massachusetts, mississippi, missouri, new mexico, new york, oklahoma, pennsylvania, south carolina, tennessee, texas).


30. fall in love.


31. learn 300 bible verses.


32. write a song.


33. adopt a child. [if Compassion International counts then I've done this!]


34. learn to play guitar.


35. travel to a foreign country to do missions.


36. own a Van Gogh painting.


37. complete a 1000 piece puzzle.


38. understand all the ins and outs of baseball. [well, i know some of them :) ]


39. have a stable quiet time [started in june 2007]


40. jump off a bridge


41. take a photography class


42. design something.


43. meet my Aunt Sandra.


44. turn my cell phone off for a week. [2006]


45. meet a celebrity.


46. have breakfast in bed.


47. go on a scavenger hunt. [dnow 2010]


48. see the northern lights.


50. learn to drive a standard vehicle.


51. see a full rainbow [Camp Fuego, 2007]


52. learn to play the piano


53. be kissed in the rain


54. go to New York [summer 2009]


55. see a Broadway Show.


56. Ride in a helicopter


57. send a message in a bottle


58. sleep under the stars.


59. learn to juggle.


60. feed the homeless [spring break 2006]


61. break a world record.


62. watch my sisters graduate from high school/college [Jessica - May 2006. Bri - May 2010]


63. learn sign language


64. witness a child come to Christ [summer 2006, Camp Newton; Camp Fuego]


65. meet my husband.


66. speak at a girls conference. [Fusion Girls Retreat, FBC Texarkana, 2010]


67. go to graduate school.


68. become a better prayer warrior.


69. be a part of a picket line. for a good cause.


70. witness a cure of cancer.


71. sing in front of people.


72. get over my fear of the dark.


73. find something important in my life to save and give to my kids.


74. attend a major sporting event: Super Bowl, Olympics, World Series, MLB Opening Day, NBA Championship game


75. have kids.


76. plant a tree.


77. learn how to take a compliment.


78. sit on a jury.


79. teach someone illiterate how to read.


80. swim with dolphins.


81. give to a charity


82. visit the Holy Land.


83. run to the top of the statue of liberty.


84. run a marathon.


85. catch a ball at a baseball game.


86. make a hole-in-one.


87. fly first class.


88. own every version of monopoly. (i don't even like to play the game. haha)


89. take an art class.


90. devote my life to things higher than myself. selflessness.


91. visit the 7 wonders of the world.


92. plant a garden [and see it grow/flourish]


93. work for a greeting card company (or just design one for them one time).


94. become someone's mentor.


95. experience a really incredible surprise.


96. movie day [back to back to back movies at a theatre]


97. go on a surprise date. [march 2011. anniversary date with Lane]


98. experience laughter every day.




...list to be continued.