love.

I’m really bad at love.


[well, that’s what I’ve discovered lately.]


No, not the ooshy-gushy, romantic kind of love (which I’m not so great at either), but the whole “love your neighbor,” agape kind of love.


It has seemed that everywhere I turn; love has been staring me in the face, hovering over my life. It’s been the central topic of my world for the past month-ish.




[And to be honest, it’s starting to be quite annoying]




I didn’t really understand why God was pushing this whole “love” business on me. I sort of arrogantly thought that there were other people in this world that needed to learn about love more than I did.


So after a month (-ish) of being bombarded by “love,” I decided I needed to talk to God about this love stuff, b/c honestly, I was ready to move on to something else.


[Little did I know that the answer would knock me to my knees]


The conversation went a little like this:


Me: God, You’ve been cramming ‘love’ into my life a lot lately.

God: Yes.
Me: What’s the deal?
God: I’m teaching you.
Me: I kind of figured You were, and I want to learn, but why not something like grace or mercy, or forgiveness, or humility, or faith, instead? Why love?
God: Because love is the basis for all those things.
Me: Oh. So, I’m guessing I need to work on the whole “love” thing?
God: Right.
Me: Ok…um...can You show me what You mean?
God: That’s what I’ve been trying to do. But you keep pushing it out of the way.
Me: Yeah. I’m sorry about that. Can we try again?




Over the next few days, my heart experienced a type of humility that I’ve can’t even attempt to explain. I really thought that I was pretty decent at loving. I mean, I love loving people. I’m nice and I do nice things. I even talk to people I don’t like very much. And I smile – a lot. That’s love, right? I’m pretty decent at love; compared to other people, right?


But then God asked me to love that person who hurt my feelings last week. And the ones who have broken my heart.


Ok, [gulp] that can’t be too hard. Just be nice, and forget about the hurt, and be…normal.


then He asked if I would show love to the homeless, to the dad who beats his daughter, to the overly emotional friend who seems to demand attention (a lot), to that person who really gets on my nerves, the woman who had an affair, and the kid who doesn’t have friends at school. [Ok, anyone else?]. Yeah, the ex-boyfriend (yeah, that one), the parent who talks behind your back, and to the one who wants to be friends only when it’s convenient or on their terms.


[um...]


Ok, but…God…that’s a lot of people. A lot of difficult people. And so, if it becomes too hard to love that person, I’m going to have to back out ok? And if she oversteps my comfort zone too much, or if he plays with my heart one more time, I’m gonna back out on the whole love thing, ok? And I’ll be nice to people, and tolerate people, but if it becomes too suffocating, or frustrating; if it becomes scary, or takes too much of my time (b/c I’m real busy God)...yeah, You should probably have a back up ready, just in case.


And one more thing, God. I’ll love everyone, except him. Oh, and her. I can’t love them, ok?


[silence]

Silence from God means He agrees, right? So I went on loving, you know, my way. Then He spoke, and I was the one left sitting in silence.


“Hey Lindsey, we seem to have this conversation a lot. However, I love you, so here it goes, again. And this time, shut your mouth until I’m finished, then you can talk…”


[ok…]


“My word says exactly what I wanted it to say. I didn’t create a special clause where you could add in your own words or interpretation whenever you didn’t agree or wanted to change a word or two to make it more adaptable to your life. It doesn’t work that way. Ever. As for love, though, it states pretty plainly that you are to love one another. It doesn’t say to love them except when you’re afraid or tired or spread too thin or if it’s someone who’s hurt you, wronged you, doesn’t think like you, or someone you’d rather not love. It doesn’t say to love until it’s hard, and then you are excused from it. You don't think you get to pick and choose whom you love do you? If you want to love like Me, then you love completely. You go all the way, with all people. Yes, ALL people – even the ones you’d rather not love. And you don’t turn your back on them and run when it’s hard. You know, it’s not about you, Lindsey, or your rules and feelings and emotions. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, it is really quite simple: You either love or you don’t. And once you choose, you don't get to change your mind, or stop loving when you get uncomfortable, or when your heart gets stretched. You don't get that option. I don't give you that option. Because I don't do that with you. I love you, regardless. Even when you're hard to love. So, child,...love. or don't."

[silence]


(several days later)


"um...God...i think i'll choose love."