greener grass and lessons learned

It’s so ironic how things happen in life that you most certainly would not have written into your specific story. Great relationships. And not so great breakups. Conversations. Moments of perfect worship to your Savior. A friendship that has lasted (through thick and thin) for fifteen years. A friendship that ended too quickly. The death of a loved one. Marriages. Births. Moments of weakness. Moments of success. Moments of complete bliss and those you’d rather not live through again. No matter what the situation – both good and bad – if you really sit and look back at the moments of your life, you probably wouldn’t have planned them out for yourself. Of course, you would hope for some of the great moments, and you probably would have rather not had to go through some of the not so great moments, but if long ago someone handed you a piece of paper asking you to write out the specific moments you wanted to live through – you probably wouldn’t come close to dreaming up and writing down the things you’ve actually experienced.







Then there are those times when you look around your life, at the lives of others and their experiences, and wish that you could’ve experienced something similar to theirs, or perhaps you’d like to trade lives with them because they seem to just slide through life with no real difficult life problem or huge issue (according to your view of it). Or maybe their love life seems perfect, or their relationship with their family/siblings/friends seems so endearing, or maybe they experienced something magical or have a great talent that you’d love to write into your life. Or maybe their road to success seemed simple, or maybe their life at 24 is exactly where, if asked to write it out at 18, you would’ve written your life to be. Maybe their skin is flawless or their size 4 figure is something you secretly covet, or you wish you had an older brother or twin or ….and the list could go on and on and on.






All that to say, there are certain things that God forms into our life story that we could never create for ourselves quite in the way that He does. And there are certain things in which we think would be great for our life, or things that we get angry because we had to experience it, that God, in His infinite wisdom, shows us (sometimes we don’t realize until years later) that He added it into our story for a reason. And sometimes when we look at the horizon and the path seems to go in a direction that doesn’t seem right to us – His plan is perfect.






I was reading in Exodus the other day where Moses is taking the people from Egypt. Basically (and you should all go read it in chapter 13) God lead the people a different way (a longer and more difficult way – the wilderness) instead of straight through to where they needed to go. He took them through the wilderness and to the Red Sea (where He split the water and they walked through on dry land) …and I can just imagine their thoughts when traveling and their conversations with Moses. I imagine them pointing out that the other way was easier and faster; that they were tired and worn out and ready to get to a settled place, and going around the city was absolutely ridiculous. And then, when walking upon the Red Sea, shouting out complaints because now they were at an obstacle, and if they would’ve just gone the other way, they wouldn’t have to face this now. And Blah. Blah. Blah.






Anyway, the Lord (and Moses because of the Lord) looked at the situation in a completely different light. The Lord knew that if they walked through the city, the people would’ve seen the war, changed their minds, and turned back to Egypt. He knew that their human nature would take over and the idea that they knew best would overrule, and the road to freedom from Pharaoh would be backtracked.


Isn’t that how our lives are today (sometimes)? We walk through life, pointing out, that certain ways would be easier, faster, more efficient (in our minds) and that we could really learn a lot from going this certain way. In fact, we try, at times, to convince God that going through a certain obstacle isn’t something we really need right now, and that we’d really appreciate it, if we could try a different path. Or, maybe we really enjoy the way the Lord is taking us right now – maybe there isn’t anything we’d like to change and so we simply remind the Lord that we really like our life (and the amazing blessings He is placing there at the moment), and that we’d kindly appreciate if He could keep us going down this road. What we fail to realize, is that the Lord looks at the situation in a completely different light. He knows us. He knows that if we walk through a certain way, perhaps, that we would experience something and run – or experience something, love it, soak in it, and want to stay. What I think is so incredible about His plan, is that He knows where Lindsey needs to go. He knows what I need to experience and what I don’t. He knows the lessons that I need to learn, the ones I’ll struggle with learning, the ones I’ll pick up easily, and that some will take a little longer for me to grasp than others. He knows that sometimes, I need to be taken around the city, instead of through it, because – while I am trusting Him and following His guide, I might see war (or something great) and run back to where I came from (or want to stay). I believe wholeheartedly that God thought out each plan, individually, perfectly for our lives, and that He creates the paths specifically for each person. I believe that some people have to walk through the valleys because He wants them to truly be grateful for the mountain view. Maybe I need to experience struggle with obstacle A, while someone else doesn’t. Or that maybe I don’t need encouragement through blessing Q but someone else does.






Just as the people following Moses’ lead had no idea why they had to go around the city (and didn’t know that the great miracle of the Red Sea was coming), we sometimes don’t see beyond the horizon to the beautiful fullness that lies over the hill. Hmmm..how beautiful to know, that His plan is perfect, His ways are wise, and His footsteps are always leading in the right direction.






:)

oh to be loved...

As of Wednesday night, I was done. After weeks of complete exhaustion I am finished with desperately trying to “do the right thing” with something in my life. You see, I’ve always been the people pleaser. I’ve always been the one to immediately try to fix things (whether it be physical things or people issues), and I keep trying and putting forth effort over and over to force peace, even if it means being hurt in the process.




Over the past few weeks I’ve done just that: people please. I’ve forced effort that I didn’t really want to force, I’ve said things that I really didn’t believe in my heart, and I’ve pushed and pushed to try to make a friendship work that simply wasn’t working. All because it was the right thing to do.



(isn’t that absolutely ridiculous?)



And so, I’ve kept quiet. Actually, I didn’t really have words to say…to you, to my friends, even in prayer. My heart has been so heavy that when I tried to put into words, to explain to the Lord exactly how I felt and what was going on, …I couldn’t. Thankfully, we serve a God who can read our hearts when our human words fail. And so because I didn’t have words, I was forced to sit, to dwell in His presence, and to let Him do His thing. For the first two weeks there was silence: horrible, frustrating, silence where I begged God to speak, to tell me what to do, to fix and organize everything that was going on in my heart. Days passed as I struggled with waiting to hear His voice. Then, almost audibly, as if He was sitting on the edge of my bed (like my dad used to do when I was little and we had our father/daughter talks), He spoke to me ever so gently saying:



“Lindsey, I love you. Did you forget that? Do you understand that? I love you with an everlasting, all consuming love. A love that is so faithful and a love that is so real. I love you when you hurt, and when your world is all you hoped it would be. I love you when you fail, and when you succeed. And when you are on the top of the mountains of life – excited and screaming greatness for the world to hear – I love you. And when you’re crawling through the dark valley…so tired and full of frustration because you cannot see more than the step right in front of you…I love you and I am there (and I am here now). I told you that I will never take you to a place or through something that you cannot bare. My Word says that you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all of your heart..so seek Me, Lindsey. Seek Me always. Seek me when you’re on the mountain and seek Me when you are in the valley. Because I will always walk before you, and I will always speak for you when you don’t have the words, and I will always, always, guide your path in perfect ways. Even when those ways seem hard and pointless, or when they take you to places where your heart has to hurt. I do that because I love you. I do that because I want to teach you to rely on Me, to trust Me,..to seek Me.”



I cannot explain to you in simple words that would make you understand that multitude of that conversation. But I can explain to you in simple words that I am so awestruck still that He chooses to love me. He wants to love me. wow. In the valley or on the mountain. In the midst of happiness or tears. When the walk is rough and chaotic, and when it is smooth and peaceful. Always. I’ve always known that, but it became something so different when He revealed it to me that night.



And so I did just what He said. I sought Him. only Him. And I quit. I quit trying to please. I quit trying to figure things out. I quit trying to make peace, trying to find words, trying to whatever….. I just quit.



And because He is so perfect in planning my life, and because He knows exactly where to place me, where He wants me, and how to get me to that point (literally, emotionally, and spiritually), I believe He has me exactly where He wants me, right now, in this place, because He has something He needs me to do (or something to teach me or show me) that can’t be accomplished anywhere else, at any other time. So I’m going to stick to seeking Him, and I’m going to stick to doing whatever it is that He wants me to do or learn right now, at this moment, until He moves me from this moment, to another one, to do and learn whatever He needs me to do there.



hmm. to be loved. that much.