a few things that get on my nerves:

1. voicemails where the person sounds fakely happy and fakely interested in your life.
2. people who drive really slow in the fast lane.
3. people who turn onto the 50 mph street you're driving on when you are less than 1/2 a mile from them. there is no way they can get up to 50 mph by the time you get there, and you are forced to slow way down.
4. being rushed.
5. people that laugh really loud (annoyingly loud) at things that are absolutely not funny.
6. students who continue to talk after I've asked them not to three times.
7. students that rush up to me before the tardy bell rings asking what we're doing in class (when it is clearly already written on the board)
8. students who come to my desk right as the tardy bell is ringing to see if they can go to the bathroom, library, their locker, etc. my question: what were they doing during the 5 mins they had between bells?
9. people who call you, then start talking to people around them while you sit on the phone waiting...
10. people who call, then ask if they can call you back because someone walked up and they need to talk to them.
11. people who get an attitude with you over things you have no control over.
12. other teachers who try to control my students. it is my class, please let me handle them. if i need your help, i'll ask.
13. people who confront you about things with other people around who have no business in the issue at hand.
14. people who, though you've done thousands of things for them, simply cannot find the time to help you out.
15. students who don't put their name on their paper. i am not psychic, i cannot figure out whose paper it is simply by the handwriting.
16. people who ask obviously stupid questions.
17. the guy in my cul-de-sac who drives his really loud motorcycle in and out of the drive about 10 times per night.
18. annoying girls who scream when famous people sing.
19. students who turn their papers in on my desk. if you know me, you know i am not an organizer (esp at school). chances are, that paper is either going to get thrown away or used for something else :)
20. people who say things like "i wents to the store." or "i seen her at the game" or "i gots to go..."


a few things that highlight my day/week:

1. Jesus. and His amazing grace that ever so beautifully floods my life every day.
2. text messages from my favorite guy friend in the world.
3. random emails from great teacher friends.
4. quiet days at school.
5. the fact that my 3rd period class of 13 students is super quiet, super compliant, and super amazing :)
6. text message conversations that last all day :)
7. lunch with Traci
8. great conversations with my students that go beyond surface level
9. 10pm-? when I get an hour or so to slow down, read, & just be. it's my time and its glorious :)
10. the fact that my mornings are really peaceful.
11. the day when the Rebel Review is sent off to press. (bc that means my stress level drops about 15 notches)
12. When I get home after school and find great (and mostly stupid) shows on tv (Standing Still, Reba, etc).
13. when several of my students make a 100 on their vocabulary quiz.
14. updates from Kerry in china.
15. my roommate. and the fact that we can be completely open and honest. she is one of the best blessings in my life.
16. talks with mom on the drive to work. this happens every day. i really enjoy these moments with her.
17. the fact that my sister called and said that her knee was hurting (after i told her the day before about my knee hurting) ...talk about sisterly sympathy pain :) i love her.
18. getting to see Bri twirl. she's amazing. seriously.
19. really great books.
20. really great books that are turned into movies.
21. encouraging verses.
22. sunrises on the way to work.
23. my favorite shows.
24. surprises.
25. education (and life) talks with dad.
26. love.

peace

Today was a good day. Finally. Not superbly amazing, but good. It’s been a rough couple of days to be honest. School has been really hard with conflicts rising, deadlines staring me in the face, and students being difficult. I’m really getting tired of having to make students write sentences because they cannot close their mouths long enough for me to get what I need said…said. And what’s worse is that the entire class is punished, because I have no idea which students are talking (b/c I’m usually doing 14 things at one time). Add that to a newspaper deadline, grades deadline, and our Rebel Review (newspaper) computer issues and it makes for a pretty rough day. Go ahead and add to that the fact that I have one class period where I am teaching 2 subjects at the same time (8th grade Pre-AP English and newspaper). It’s pretty frustrating on a regular basis. But finally, after three days of complicated chaos… I experienced a day of peace (well, almost). I still had to make one class period write sentences, and I still have a deadline and the craziness of teaching 2 classes at one time, but optimism is right on my heels.

I wonder why we have bad days. Why do we let circumstances step in and overrule our moods, which in turn, overrule our days? Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous emotional girl who is overanalyzing and over emotionalizing my life. I continually stress out over talkative students and the fact that my list of things to do didn’t get done in my 8 hour work day. I stress over my lesson plans, weight, relationships, attitudes, conflict, money, friends, things I have absolutely no control over, the fact that my outfit won’t come together in the morning or that my hair isn’t working just right...and the list could go on. I dwell on moments that have already passed. I put words, emotion, and energy into things that will pass away and not enough words, emotion, and energy into the eternal. For some reason, I believe that it’s up to me to make the world continue to spin and for things to go smoothly. I think that I have to handle it all, counsel all, encourage all, help all, solve all, take in all…that I have to be all…for everyone. And when things on my end are falling apart: when deadlines don’t get met, when fights with friends become the forefront, when conflict at school gets in the way of my class time, when guys become complicated, when I let a few talkative students ruin my day, and when the world seems to be crumbling in my hands,…I still try to be all. Which is absolutely crazy, because I know full well (and I am so sure of it on days that are good) that I cannot be all, that I was not created to be all.

In fact, it says in Genesis that God created the earth, that He formed everything that is in this place we call home. That means He is in control, not me. Psalm 46:10 that I am to be still and know that He is God. Of course, I know this, but why is it so easy to do on easy days and so hard to follow through with on the tough days? I was reminded today of a verse that is taped to my mirror – “…seek peace and pursue it” (psalm 34:14b). That means that despite all the chaos (or what I perceive as chaos) in my life, I am to pursue peace. I am to be still, and I am to continually believe (and know) that HE IS GOD! (And I am not). That said- here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Tonight as I was writing this, the shuffle on my iTunes landed on this song. And I believe wholeheartedly that the Lord allowed me to hear this, so I could be reminded that in moments like last week, where my bad days seemed to overtake my life that I must shut out the world, step away from the madness that consumes my path, and focus solely on Jesus Christ.

“A million expectations ringing in my ears, telling me who I should be and what I should do. I’m surrounded by these voices but right now there’s only one I need to hear. So for a moment or two: help me shut out the world, ‘til it’s just You and me. ‘Til You’re all that I Want and You’re all I can see. Teach my heart to be still, before I make my next move. Help me shut out the world and listen to You.

In the middle of this madness by my solitude, and in the chaos come and be my quiet place. Lord, knead me in this moment; I’m lifting up this crowded heart to you, for You are my Prince of Peace. Help me shut out the world, ‘til it’s just You and me. ‘Til You’re all that I Want and You’re all I can see. Teach my heart to be still, before I make my next move. Help me shut out the world and listen to You.

Before I’m back in the world, it’s waiting outside my door. I need to be still and know You are Lord. Help me shut out the world, ‘til it’s just You and me. ‘Til You’re all that I Want and You’re all I can see. Teach my heart to be still, before I make my next move. Help me shut out the world and listen to You.”

Preface: if you are a guy and don't really care about reading all this...or if you get bored...just skip to the bottom...there is an important note to you there.

So I've been reading...a lot lately. In the past few months, I'm pretty sure (though I haven't been counting) I've read about 15 books. From fiction to nonfiction to christian based novels to adolescent literature so I can find things for my students to read...I've read it all. But I'm not writing tonight to tell you about all the books I've read, because then that would make me seem like more of a nerd than I actually am. :)

Instead, I'm writing because of a book that I snubbed a few years ago that has recently captured my attention. I bought it back in college and immediately gave it away after reading only a few pages, determined that it was not for me, that I wouldn't get anything from it. After all, it all seemed like some sort of hype to me - every girl (and guy) was reading it, talking about it, having bible studies about it, and posting things about it. I'm not going to tell you the name of it until the end, so you don't judge the book on a preconceived idea like I did.


I believe every girl deals with the "not enough, but too whatever" syndrome. It's when we compare and critique ourselves until we have lowered our self esteem so much that we actually start to believe that we really aren't enough. We tell ourselves that we aren't smart enough, thin enough, tall enough, ...not pretty enough, graceful enough, athletic enough, kind enough, outgoing enough...but we're too emotional, too sensitive, too opinionated, too talkative, too....whatever. We pick ourselves a part until there isn't one good quality about us left, until we have so downgraded ourselves that we really start believing that we aren't worthy of anything or anyone. You know you've been there, that you've experienced exactly what I'm talking about - I know you have - because I have too. I tear myself down all the time (just ask my roommate), because for some reason, I believe that I'm not good enough...ever.

So I was reading this book, and the author started talking about what I just shared with you, and for a moment, it was like she was sitting right beside me, talking straight to me. Here's what she said...

"if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts...We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness and find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be. Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more..we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us ...is try harder."

I'm not sure that truer words have ever been spoken. How many times do we wonder what being a woman means? How many times do we wish we weren't so emotional, so critical, so judgemental, so ...complicated? We say over and over again that if we were more ____ (fill in the blank) or if we were more like _____ (whoever) then life would be so much better; that we'd get exactly what we wanted (the perfect job, house, friends, guy, etc). And in doing this, we lose ourselves, we lose who God made us to be, and we do a pretty good job of tearing that woman down. And though the Word flat out says that the "King is enthralled by [our] beauty" (PS 45:11), for some reason we fail to believe it.

The author continues on saying that when we do the things above, that we destroy (and miss) the most important part of being a woman: the heart. She quotes Proverbs 4:23 (Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life). Then..."above all else. why? because God knows that our heart is core to who we are. It is the source of all our creativity, our courage, our convictions. It is the fountainhead of our faith, our hope, and of course, our love. This "wellspring of life" within us is the very essence of our existence, the center of who we are"

As I read her words, I felt like God was speaking to me...pleading with me to believe Him, to see that I am worthy, that I am beautiful. Genesis says that God created us in His image, and because that is true, then I cannot be not smart enough, thin enough, tall enough, ...not pretty enough, gracious enough, kind enough, outgoing enough...but we're too emotional, too sensitive, too messy, too opinionated, too....whatever. It's impossible to be in the "not enough and too whatever" category because I was made in His image and He doesn't fit into those categories.

She continues ...and blew me away when she said "your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities - as a reflection of God's own heart." I stopped reading. Then I reread it. Then I underlined it. And then I wrote it down and pasted it on my mirror. Because if we were to get real honest, it's true. The fact that God created me, makes me ...enough. I am pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, gracious enough,...I am the perfect amount of sensitive, opinion, emotion. I am exactly how He made me to be, and while I don't always believe it,...its true.

So what am I learning? I'm learning that the "not enough and too whatever" syndrome is a horrible habit. I'm learning that I am worth something. I am worth pursuing. I am worth loving. I am worth thinking (and believing) that I am beautiful. I am worth it. :)

Oh, and all the guys out there...here's a secret(i tweaked it a bit from the book): every woman, in her heart of hearts, longs for three things: to be seen, wanted and pursued; to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure; and to be romanced.


the book? Captivating.