grace.

I can really tell that I’ve changed over the past year.




Being a teacher isn’t all fun and glory. I remember being a student and thinking how easy teachers have it, how simple it would be to step into their shoes for a day. Last year I got a huge awakening as I realized that teachers do not have an easy job, and students definitely don’t make it any easier. I got frustrated a lot when my kids were loud or when they didn’t turn in their work. There were several times when I would raise my voice in an attempt to get them to understand how “horrible” their actions were and I would spend days on end lecturing them about their behavior. I spent more time doing that, than teaching them English.



This year has been completely different. I haven’t had to raise my voice one time, and I’ve realized that speaking quietly when I am trying to get a point across has more affect than yelling at them. Today, for example (and it’s only 11:16), was our How-To evaluation day. The students wrote a how-to paper over the past few weeks, explaining to someone how to do a said project. They were to choose something that could be completed in class without the use of an oven, microwave, machine, etc. They were to bring their supplies to class today and were going to evaluate each other on their instructions. My first class has 13 students in it. Two of the 13 brought their stuff. I was livid. They had known about this for weeks and I had even reminded them over and over again on Friday that they would receive a zero for the project if they did not have their stuff. The paper is a grade and the evaluation is a grade, so receiving a zero for a test grade brought all of them (except the 2 that brought their stuff) down to failing. They don’t realize how much a zero can affect your grade.



Normally I would have yelled and gotten angry with them over this, but instead I got really quiet, told them not to speak, and explained in great detail my frustration with them and how important this grade was/is. I even praised them on being my favorite class, how well behaved they are and how much of a pleasure it is to have them all in class. Being a smaller, but still large, class really benefits them and their personalities and fun attitudes really help bring an enjoyment to my mornings. However, I explained that even though I love them dearly, I am very disappointed in their actions and lack of responsibility in this project.



After speaking to them, they didn’t say a word. They didn’t offer excuses or try to bargain with me about bringing their stuff tomorrow. Instead they sat quietly and some of them even got out their library books to read (they have a book to read every Friday, do a book talk, etc). When the bell rang, they walked out in silence.



Tomorrow we are supposed to start a Children’s book. They are supposed to create their own book and eventually complete their final draft in a hardback blank book. They will work in partners and illustrate their books, etc. At first I wasn’t sure if I was going to let them do that, because it is a fun project and I wasn’t so sure they deserve fun with how today went. But Curtis reminded me that I should show them grace. So tomorrow I’m going to explain to them my disappointment but then also explain grace and then let them do the children’s book project.



And all this got me to thinking. This is exactly what God does to me. I mess up, and instead of yelling at me, He speaks to me gently and reminds me that while I messed up and I disappointed Him, He still loves me and still grants me grace, giving me another chance to try again; to do better. Hmm…perfect, amazing grace.



You know, if anything, the incidents of today got me thinking about grace and the cross. There are so many days that I let that slip pass my mind, yet God continues to bring it every morning…and perhaps today I neeeded to be reminded of it…if even through the irresponsibility of my students.

basketball and Jesus

This will more than likely be a less heart wrenching post than the last few. That’s mainly because I have this new ’easy going’ – no stress – outlook on life. There are some things I can control, and others I simply cannot, so I’ve decided there is no point in worrying or thinking about it.




At the current moment I am watching the Dallas Mavericks game, and I am reminded just how much I love basketball season. Don’t get me wrong, football is great, but I honestly get really tired of it. On the other hand, I could watch HS football any given Friday night for months on end and never tire, but TV football is just too much. That’s the big plus to being a HS teacher, – getting to watch your kids play on Friday night. But that ends in a few weeks and I am thrilled that it’s time for the OC Rebels (and the Mavs!!) to hit the court. Not only is it getting colder but standing on the sidelines while your nose gets frostbitten is not my idea of fun. Hallelujah for basketball being inside!



*side note* the Mavs really stink at rebounding. They should work on that *end side note*



In other news, my sister is coming in this weekend. I’ll only get to see her for a while on Friday, and I’ve really been missing her lately so I am super excited!! Then next weekend my best friend is coming to town! (and hopefully moving here soon after that) I get to spend time with 2 of my most favorite people in the world in back to back weekends. That is definitely reason enough to celebrate!



In more news, I really enjoy hearing my kids at school talk about God and their lives with Him. Hearing that they are reading their bibles or how He’s working in their lives is such a huge blessing. There are also two of my seniors (on my newspaper staff) who are attending ETBU shadow day in December. I know one is set on going there (and becoming a teacher!) and I’m praying for both of them as God shows them the path for their life and as they obey His direction for them. I know God has big big plans for both of them and I am so excited that I get to be a part of their lives beyond graduation! Praise the Lord for a chance to hear His name at public school!







final news – im exhausted. the game is ending. mavs lost. by 10.blah.







g o o d n i g h t .

here and now...

I’ve been learning lately that it is so incredibly important to find contentment in the present. It is so easy to dwell on the “i wish i hads” and ”if onlys” in life – that we can miss the great things that are right in front of our eyes. I have been guilty of that so much in the past – saying over and over again that if i had this job, this car, this house, this guy, this whatever, then my life would be a perfect bed of roses, that then I would and could be happy. I’ve caught myself thinking about the past, about wonderful things/people that I wish were still a part of my everyday world- and feeling that if I had worked harder at certain relationships then things would’ve turned out differently; then those people/things would still exist in my world today.




But I can’t control those things – the past - I can’t go back and change the situation or the words said, I can’t undo the outcome and take a different path. I can’t wonder what could have been or spend time going over the conversations in my head trying to figure out what I could have said/done differently. After all, even if I close my eyes and squeeze them tight enough…when I open them, the situation will still be the same, life will still be the same.



But I can take advantage of the here and now, of the chance to establish meaningful moments, without worrying or even thinking about what tomorrow brings. I am only guaranteed this moment, after all, so why not take advantage of the greatness that lies in it? Of course, there are times when my emotions get the best of me and I begin to wonder and dream and desire so badly for the future, to know what my life will be like someday. It’s moments like this where the Lord reminds me of Jeremiah 29:11,that he already has my life planned out, and all I need to do is trust Him, and follow as He lays each day out before me.



All that said, I’m pretty content with life these days. For the first time in a long time, I am learning to thrive; to be ok with where I am. I’m not saying that it is easy. There are many times where I have to give myself a pep talk and write notes to myself all over my mirror reminding me to focus my attention on other things. I am looking forward to the future, to what God has decided to bless my life with. And while I yearn for those days, I choose to simply be content with the now.

and so things change...

Oh how things change in a matter of weeks…there are days of complete bliss and some that I’d rather not live through. However, no matter what comes at me and through my life, there is a lesson to be learned and an opportunity to be changed, to grow, to …etc.




The other day I started (and almost completed) a post about how selfish guys are and I even listed some scenarios explaining my very valid points. I griped and complained and shared my opinion on the male population…pretty bluntly might I add. But for some reason I didn’t publish it. Today, I’m pretty glad I didn’t.



For the better part of this weekend – and I’m sure I’ll change my mind again someday – I realized that not all guys are selfish, all about themselves, kind of people. I’m not sure why this particular person entered my life in a new way this weekend, but I’m completely grateful for him. This new friendship has definitely caused a new outlook for me, even after only a few conversations. I’m sure you’re thinking that that’s crazy – and honestly, I think so myself, but something keeps drawing me back to our conversations and to the words said.



For the first time in my entire life – yes, entire – a guy seemed (and I’m pretty sure it was genuine) to want to know as much about me as he shared about himself. I felt like it mattered what I said and it was evident he listened when he recalled topics from previous conversations. I don’t do vulnerability very well but for some reason I felt comfortable talking with him. Laughter (both at and with each other) was pretty prevalent and I never once felt like I was being made fun of or picked on. Please don’t misunderstand me and think that I want things to be all about me, all the time, but I can’t explain (and if you are a girl reading this then you understand) how refreshing it is to be listened to and to have someone engage in the other side of a conversation. There have been so many moments throughout my life when talking was one-sided or the only response consisted of “uh huh” and “yea” as if they were present physically but otherwise completely removed from the conversation. But this time – it’s been different…



I’m not sure why exactly our paths have crossed, but I can definitely tell you that it has opened my eyes and blessed my heart and I am very excited to watch the friendship unfold. Praise the Lord for great moments and new friends.

moving...

same blog. new location.

http://threefourfivesix.wordpress.com/

come. have a look around. :)

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. - Hebrews 11:6

This is the verse of the week in my bible study that I am supposed to meditate on and memorize. I am absolutely horrible at memorizing stuff (even in college - i crammed, took a test, and forgot almost everything i "memorized"). I want so bad to live out Psalm 119:11 in my life but my human nature just takes over and my laziness kicks in and I simply don't do it. (to be honest). But lately I've really been convicted about it. I mean, I find time for my favorite tv shows, working out, reading a book, and doing meaningless crap on the internet, yet I fail when it comes to really learning and diving into the Living Word of our God.

As I read the verse I developed a small arrogance because I thought I didn't need to mediate on this because I have faith and I trust God and I ...etc. right? I obey when He asks me to be nice to the checker at Walmart, or when there's an opportunity to talk with the Christian girls in my class about their walks, or when I'm at camp sharing my heart, or when finances are good, or when my day is perfect, or when I'm healthy and happy, and.... when believing and having faith is ...easy.

So as I began Sunday night - I ever so gently reminded the Lord that I did not need this verse, that I have faith and I do trust Him, that I didn't understand why He wanted me to meditate on this specific verse this week. Little did I know that He had something very specific to share with me...

As I was getting ready on Monday morning I began to memorize the beginning of the verse (I had posted it on my mirror). Feeling very proud that I could check off another thing I completed on my "to be a better Christian" list, I went about my day. On Tuesday I continued my routine and prepared to learn the 2nd part of the verse, when God asked me a question. Almost audibly (or so it seemed to me) He said "Lindsey, do you have the faith as a mustard seed? What about like those who have come before you? Do you have faith like Joshua and the Red Sea or the sick woman who touched the hem of My garment, or what about Noah?"

I started thinking about faith. I tried to put myself in Noah's shoes, to say that I could completely and totally trust, that I would have unwavering faith in that situation. But I know that I would have probably argued and cried my way through the entire thing, doing it more out of fear than faith, hoping with all my might that the weather forcasters would at least predict rain so I didn't look like a complete idiot. Then I thought about Joshua, and how God said to go to the Red Sea and that He would allow them to pass through onto dry land. Joshua and the people walked toward the sea, and didn't freak out when they stepped into the water and it didn't part. They kept walking, and then it parted. wow. They obeyed completely. They didn't come to the water, stop and say "ok God, part it now or we aren't crossing." And the sick woman who touched Jesus' cloak (it's in Mark). wow. Not so sure I have faith like that (like any of those).

And almost immediately as I was telling myself that there would be no way I could be like Noah or Joshua or the many other men and women that have endured and trusted and had faith...God said, "Lindsey, faith doesn't mean everything is perfect and that you'll have complete peace throughout the entire process. It doesn't mean that you can't ask questions or wonder why I've asked you to do something, say something, go somewhere, etc. After all, you aren't Me and you can't see the big picture of things. I don't ask you to be a perfect child and not wonder, I simply ask that you trust Me, trust My plan, and follow right in line behind Me. I will take care of you, I will protect and provide for you, and I will always, always walk with you. And in the end, because you have trusted Me I will reward you and bless you. So let Me guide you, and let Me teach you about true faith. You may not understand My words now, but as I continue to unfold your life, you will see and you will understand. Remember that faith isn't just saying you believe in Me and trust Me, but it's following through with that when I take you through something that's hard for you."

wow.

You see, it's not that I struggle with faith, I mean after all, I have a pretty easy life. I don't have to worry about whether or not I'll have food on my table, or a roof over my head. I don't have to figure out where I'll work each day, or if I'll even have a job. I don't have to worry about being prosecuted for my walk with the Lord or for talking about Him in my life. I don't have to have faith that I will not be killed for my devotion to Him or for ....and the list could go on. I don't struggle with faith, because I have no been put in a position where complete faith was needed. I mean sure I had to (and still do) have to have faith that God exists, but for me that's easy, because I was raised to believe that and so I just ...do.

And so this week (already), God is using this verse on faith to teach me (now) for what He'll take me through (in the future). Preparation. I am being reminded that faith is so much bigger than the good days, or the happy moments, or the times when life is peaches and rainbows. Faith is believing and trusting and following even when it's hard, even when we have questions, even when we feel the desire to argue and complain because we don't understand, even when we wonder why in the world He is taking us down a certain path that we don't particularly like and having us go through things we aren't really fond of, things that hurt us and make us struggle with trust. Faith ...simply put...is stepping out, all the time, even when we don't like it, and putting our trust (no matter what the situation) in the One who created faith to begin with. :)

wow.

great weekend. quick weekend, but a great one nonetheless.

It all started with friday night football. I watched the Rebels give their hearts on that football field only to come up short in the end. I am absolutely and incredibly proud of them. The roommate went with and hung out with me and Traci as we took pictures on the sideline. There were definitely some much needed fun and laughable times. :)

On saturday I went car shopping. drove a 09 tribute. loved it. absolutely loved it. a lot. :) missed the Texas game to look at/test drive suvs. After grocery shopping and doing some laundry, the most wonderful Adam came over for some friend time. I definitely needed that too. It's always great to hang with him - I am very thankful for him, that's for sure. Also got to talk to Luke from all the way at the Navy Base in Chicago. I am overwhelmingly proud of him and am so blessed to be able to be a part of his time there. It's great hearing about his life there - he's grown up so much. Great talk - but went to bed really late.

Today was spent at church where the Lord reminded me that His power is bigger than anything I face - the economy, my students, life,... Tiffany and I went to lunch at Cheddars and then to a movie with Traci. I cannot tell you the last time I went to a movie. I didn't love the movie (Nights in Rodanthe) but I did enjoy some time out :)

The past few hours have been spent taking a nap, making a test for my 8th graders tomorrow (Fahrenheit 451 part 3), and relaxing with Brothers and Sisters on in the background.

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend - a great one - but a busy one. I'm not sure I'm looking forward to the week (teaching writing stuff to 9th graders, and wrapping up a novel with the 8th graders), but we do get Friday off because of Yamboree. :) Friday will be another Rebel football game and ETBU homecoming on Saturday. :) ....

well i need to get going ...this is very scattered but it's my attempt to update whomever reads this on my life and what's been going on. I am praying for all of you and hope you have an incredible week.

lots of love!! :)


(oh - and i've lost 9 lbs!!)

yeah yeah.

i know you dont read this, so maybe that's why i'm posting it. because i really need to get this out of my mind and off my heart.

you know, it's not really that hard....to just love.

i think we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be.

i think we think we have all this baggage and crap that we need to carry with us after each relationship, when in reality, with help that comes from the Lord, we can put it down, and move on. i know it's not easy, or fun, but it is possible.

i think that while we want true, wonderful, amazing love (well, "like" first), deep down we are absolutely scared of it, and therefore, run from it.

i think that if we were to get really honest, we would see that there are more pluses for us to be together than negatives.

i think that if words like this could be said in person instead of through a blog or a text message, that our lives would be a lot easier.

i think that the reason i get so frustrated with all this, is because i care for you.

i think that i'm not good enough for you.

i think we run because it's safe.

i think you are the most caring, amazing man i've ever met - ever. not only do you love Jesus, but you love your family and you are passionate about life and the things you are given in this life.

i think that it's because of the things you've been through in your life, that you are guarded.

i think that without those things, we would not be able to be friends today.

i think i've pushed you away from my heart for so long because i dont want it broken.

i think, honestly, that the conversations we've had in the past week have been the best ones of our friendship - well so was that week last year when we really jumped into the friendship.

i think that God still has stuff to do in us, and through us, and with us, before we step forward.

i think that i'm scared to lose you.

i think that while my heart wants to leap out of my chest and my brain goes in full swing when talking to you, that sometimes it's ok to feel that way, because it reminds me that i am alive and that i can still feel.

i think i'm ok with how things are now (no, i know i am ok).




i think i think too much.

:)

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord..." Philippians 3:8

yep.

a few things that get on my nerves:

1. voicemails where the person sounds fakely happy and fakely interested in your life.
2. people who drive really slow in the fast lane.
3. people who turn onto the 50 mph street you're driving on when you are less than 1/2 a mile from them. there is no way they can get up to 50 mph by the time you get there, and you are forced to slow way down.
4. being rushed.
5. people that laugh really loud (annoyingly loud) at things that are absolutely not funny.
6. students who continue to talk after I've asked them not to three times.
7. students that rush up to me before the tardy bell rings asking what we're doing in class (when it is clearly already written on the board)
8. students who come to my desk right as the tardy bell is ringing to see if they can go to the bathroom, library, their locker, etc. my question: what were they doing during the 5 mins they had between bells?
9. people who call you, then start talking to people around them while you sit on the phone waiting...
10. people who call, then ask if they can call you back because someone walked up and they need to talk to them.
11. people who get an attitude with you over things you have no control over.
12. other teachers who try to control my students. it is my class, please let me handle them. if i need your help, i'll ask.
13. people who confront you about things with other people around who have no business in the issue at hand.
14. people who, though you've done thousands of things for them, simply cannot find the time to help you out.
15. students who don't put their name on their paper. i am not psychic, i cannot figure out whose paper it is simply by the handwriting.
16. people who ask obviously stupid questions.
17. the guy in my cul-de-sac who drives his really loud motorcycle in and out of the drive about 10 times per night.
18. annoying girls who scream when famous people sing.
19. students who turn their papers in on my desk. if you know me, you know i am not an organizer (esp at school). chances are, that paper is either going to get thrown away or used for something else :)
20. people who say things like "i wents to the store." or "i seen her at the game" or "i gots to go..."


a few things that highlight my day/week:

1. Jesus. and His amazing grace that ever so beautifully floods my life every day.
2. text messages from my favorite guy friend in the world.
3. random emails from great teacher friends.
4. quiet days at school.
5. the fact that my 3rd period class of 13 students is super quiet, super compliant, and super amazing :)
6. text message conversations that last all day :)
7. lunch with Traci
8. great conversations with my students that go beyond surface level
9. 10pm-? when I get an hour or so to slow down, read, & just be. it's my time and its glorious :)
10. the fact that my mornings are really peaceful.
11. the day when the Rebel Review is sent off to press. (bc that means my stress level drops about 15 notches)
12. When I get home after school and find great (and mostly stupid) shows on tv (Standing Still, Reba, etc).
13. when several of my students make a 100 on their vocabulary quiz.
14. updates from Kerry in china.
15. my roommate. and the fact that we can be completely open and honest. she is one of the best blessings in my life.
16. talks with mom on the drive to work. this happens every day. i really enjoy these moments with her.
17. the fact that my sister called and said that her knee was hurting (after i told her the day before about my knee hurting) ...talk about sisterly sympathy pain :) i love her.
18. getting to see Bri twirl. she's amazing. seriously.
19. really great books.
20. really great books that are turned into movies.
21. encouraging verses.
22. sunrises on the way to work.
23. my favorite shows.
24. surprises.
25. education (and life) talks with dad.
26. love.

peace

Today was a good day. Finally. Not superbly amazing, but good. It’s been a rough couple of days to be honest. School has been really hard with conflicts rising, deadlines staring me in the face, and students being difficult. I’m really getting tired of having to make students write sentences because they cannot close their mouths long enough for me to get what I need said…said. And what’s worse is that the entire class is punished, because I have no idea which students are talking (b/c I’m usually doing 14 things at one time). Add that to a newspaper deadline, grades deadline, and our Rebel Review (newspaper) computer issues and it makes for a pretty rough day. Go ahead and add to that the fact that I have one class period where I am teaching 2 subjects at the same time (8th grade Pre-AP English and newspaper). It’s pretty frustrating on a regular basis. But finally, after three days of complicated chaos… I experienced a day of peace (well, almost). I still had to make one class period write sentences, and I still have a deadline and the craziness of teaching 2 classes at one time, but optimism is right on my heels.

I wonder why we have bad days. Why do we let circumstances step in and overrule our moods, which in turn, overrule our days? Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous emotional girl who is overanalyzing and over emotionalizing my life. I continually stress out over talkative students and the fact that my list of things to do didn’t get done in my 8 hour work day. I stress over my lesson plans, weight, relationships, attitudes, conflict, money, friends, things I have absolutely no control over, the fact that my outfit won’t come together in the morning or that my hair isn’t working just right...and the list could go on. I dwell on moments that have already passed. I put words, emotion, and energy into things that will pass away and not enough words, emotion, and energy into the eternal. For some reason, I believe that it’s up to me to make the world continue to spin and for things to go smoothly. I think that I have to handle it all, counsel all, encourage all, help all, solve all, take in all…that I have to be all…for everyone. And when things on my end are falling apart: when deadlines don’t get met, when fights with friends become the forefront, when conflict at school gets in the way of my class time, when guys become complicated, when I let a few talkative students ruin my day, and when the world seems to be crumbling in my hands,…I still try to be all. Which is absolutely crazy, because I know full well (and I am so sure of it on days that are good) that I cannot be all, that I was not created to be all.

In fact, it says in Genesis that God created the earth, that He formed everything that is in this place we call home. That means He is in control, not me. Psalm 46:10 that I am to be still and know that He is God. Of course, I know this, but why is it so easy to do on easy days and so hard to follow through with on the tough days? I was reminded today of a verse that is taped to my mirror – “…seek peace and pursue it” (psalm 34:14b). That means that despite all the chaos (or what I perceive as chaos) in my life, I am to pursue peace. I am to be still, and I am to continually believe (and know) that HE IS GOD! (And I am not). That said- here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Tonight as I was writing this, the shuffle on my iTunes landed on this song. And I believe wholeheartedly that the Lord allowed me to hear this, so I could be reminded that in moments like last week, where my bad days seemed to overtake my life that I must shut out the world, step away from the madness that consumes my path, and focus solely on Jesus Christ.

“A million expectations ringing in my ears, telling me who I should be and what I should do. I’m surrounded by these voices but right now there’s only one I need to hear. So for a moment or two: help me shut out the world, ‘til it’s just You and me. ‘Til You’re all that I Want and You’re all I can see. Teach my heart to be still, before I make my next move. Help me shut out the world and listen to You.

In the middle of this madness by my solitude, and in the chaos come and be my quiet place. Lord, knead me in this moment; I’m lifting up this crowded heart to you, for You are my Prince of Peace. Help me shut out the world, ‘til it’s just You and me. ‘Til You’re all that I Want and You’re all I can see. Teach my heart to be still, before I make my next move. Help me shut out the world and listen to You.

Before I’m back in the world, it’s waiting outside my door. I need to be still and know You are Lord. Help me shut out the world, ‘til it’s just You and me. ‘Til You’re all that I Want and You’re all I can see. Teach my heart to be still, before I make my next move. Help me shut out the world and listen to You.”

Preface: if you are a guy and don't really care about reading all this...or if you get bored...just skip to the bottom...there is an important note to you there.

So I've been reading...a lot lately. In the past few months, I'm pretty sure (though I haven't been counting) I've read about 15 books. From fiction to nonfiction to christian based novels to adolescent literature so I can find things for my students to read...I've read it all. But I'm not writing tonight to tell you about all the books I've read, because then that would make me seem like more of a nerd than I actually am. :)

Instead, I'm writing because of a book that I snubbed a few years ago that has recently captured my attention. I bought it back in college and immediately gave it away after reading only a few pages, determined that it was not for me, that I wouldn't get anything from it. After all, it all seemed like some sort of hype to me - every girl (and guy) was reading it, talking about it, having bible studies about it, and posting things about it. I'm not going to tell you the name of it until the end, so you don't judge the book on a preconceived idea like I did.


I believe every girl deals with the "not enough, but too whatever" syndrome. It's when we compare and critique ourselves until we have lowered our self esteem so much that we actually start to believe that we really aren't enough. We tell ourselves that we aren't smart enough, thin enough, tall enough, ...not pretty enough, graceful enough, athletic enough, kind enough, outgoing enough...but we're too emotional, too sensitive, too opinionated, too talkative, too....whatever. We pick ourselves a part until there isn't one good quality about us left, until we have so downgraded ourselves that we really start believing that we aren't worthy of anything or anyone. You know you've been there, that you've experienced exactly what I'm talking about - I know you have - because I have too. I tear myself down all the time (just ask my roommate), because for some reason, I believe that I'm not good enough...ever.

So I was reading this book, and the author started talking about what I just shared with you, and for a moment, it was like she was sitting right beside me, talking straight to me. Here's what she said...

"if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts...We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness and find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be. Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more..we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us ...is try harder."

I'm not sure that truer words have ever been spoken. How many times do we wonder what being a woman means? How many times do we wish we weren't so emotional, so critical, so judgemental, so ...complicated? We say over and over again that if we were more ____ (fill in the blank) or if we were more like _____ (whoever) then life would be so much better; that we'd get exactly what we wanted (the perfect job, house, friends, guy, etc). And in doing this, we lose ourselves, we lose who God made us to be, and we do a pretty good job of tearing that woman down. And though the Word flat out says that the "King is enthralled by [our] beauty" (PS 45:11), for some reason we fail to believe it.

The author continues on saying that when we do the things above, that we destroy (and miss) the most important part of being a woman: the heart. She quotes Proverbs 4:23 (Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life). Then..."above all else. why? because God knows that our heart is core to who we are. It is the source of all our creativity, our courage, our convictions. It is the fountainhead of our faith, our hope, and of course, our love. This "wellspring of life" within us is the very essence of our existence, the center of who we are"

As I read her words, I felt like God was speaking to me...pleading with me to believe Him, to see that I am worthy, that I am beautiful. Genesis says that God created us in His image, and because that is true, then I cannot be not smart enough, thin enough, tall enough, ...not pretty enough, gracious enough, kind enough, outgoing enough...but we're too emotional, too sensitive, too messy, too opinionated, too....whatever. It's impossible to be in the "not enough and too whatever" category because I was made in His image and He doesn't fit into those categories.

She continues ...and blew me away when she said "your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities - as a reflection of God's own heart." I stopped reading. Then I reread it. Then I underlined it. And then I wrote it down and pasted it on my mirror. Because if we were to get real honest, it's true. The fact that God created me, makes me ...enough. I am pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, gracious enough,...I am the perfect amount of sensitive, opinion, emotion. I am exactly how He made me to be, and while I don't always believe it,...its true.

So what am I learning? I'm learning that the "not enough and too whatever" syndrome is a horrible habit. I'm learning that I am worth something. I am worth pursuing. I am worth loving. I am worth thinking (and believing) that I am beautiful. I am worth it. :)

Oh, and all the guys out there...here's a secret(i tweaked it a bit from the book): every woman, in her heart of hearts, longs for three things: to be seen, wanted and pursued; to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure; and to be romanced.


the book? Captivating.

oatmeal and tears

I couldnt even make oatmeal right today. That's what set it off. The tears. It's been a pretty......trying day. It didnt start with the oatmeal...but it definitely ended with it...


School has started. I already have to give some classes sentences. (keep in mind, i teach freshmen)


75 to be exact. "I will not talk when Ms. Hinkle asks me not to."


I'm not a strict teacher. In fact, we usually have fun in my class. I dont mind if my students sit together (or even on the floor) while doing an assignment, and I dont even mind if they chat, but I mean really, how hard is it to just sit and listen for 10 mins while I explain the assignment? So 2 class periods had to write sentences on Thursday. That in itself, is completely ridiculous. I don't remember having to do that in HS - I don't even remember being in a class where people wouldnt shut up and listen. It's really not that hard...

On the other hand, I really like my students. They are fun and exciting and haven't complained so much (except for 7th/8th periods). I'm also teaching the 8th grade pre-ap English class and I have a Rebel Review class this year (with 5 students) so that will be a huge load off my plate.

What's really great is that I only have 2 girls with the same name. Last year I had several Brittany's (spelled different ways of course), a few Ben's, some more Jordan's, ...and you get my drift. This year, however, I have 2 Sierra's. No other repeaters. :) It's weird bc you don't see Sierra very much at all, and I get 2 :) Anyway, ...if you think of it, pray for me and the young minds I will pour into everyday. I just want to be used and stretched. I want them to walk out of my class different from the first day... and I want, though it must be limited, to share Jesus with them in whatever way I can :)



In other news, I (and the roommate) just moved to Gilmer. 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 1200 sq foot beautiful brand new duplex. It's still in the process of being put together and we have boxes galore everywhere but it's so much better than the place we came from. Hallelujah for chances to move and experience life in a new place.

In final news, I really am struggling with being here. I love Longview - mainly b/c I've lived here my entire life and b/c my family is here (comfort zone actually)...but most of my friends live...simply put...away. Most of you know that I tried to move to Dallas this past summer and after applying at many many places and interviewing in Midlothian, I came up at a dead end. Then one day, almost as if audibly, God said to stay. After arguing and whining a little, I reluctantly agreed (not that my begging would have changed anything) and here I am. I know, without a doubt, that the Lord has something so great in store for me, and I know He wanted me to stay here for a reason (and I'm sure He'll reveal that in time) - but honestly, it is very very hard to be here. If you've ever been in a place where your heart longs to be somewhere different than where you are currently, then you understand exactly what I'm going through. To be completely vulnerable - it sucks. and I'm not happy.

I do know, however, that I can be joyful and that I can choose to find the goodness and the great moments in the midst of being where I am. I know that God is in control and that He is sovereign...and etc. I know that His ways are higher than mine and His path is perfect and right. I know that He chooses all things in life to show us something and I know that down the road I will see it and realize it and learn from it. I get all of that. I know it in my heart and in my mind. I have been taught it, I've read it, and I've heard it from the Lord. I get it.

But sometimes......it's just plain hard.

fourth.

it's been too long. and instead of trying to find something grand to share with you...i'll just recap the past few months with a list:

1. went to North Carolina.

2. Went to California. (saw Jimmy Kimmel, was in the audience for Deal or No Deal, walked down Rodeo Drive, saw the Walk of Fame, and the Chinese Theatre where the hand/footprints are, went to the LA Dodgers/Angels game, etc)

3. Spent three weeks at camp.

4. The first week was at OBU in Arkansas, where I was on the Security team :)

5. Weeks 2 and 3 were spent with the most amazing people in the world - at Camp Fuego. After three years, these people are no longer just friends, they are family. These weeks were spent loving God and loving people; learning, teaching, laughing, experiencing discouragement and then being encouraged and prayed over, enhancing friendships with great conversations and moments spent together, staying up until the wee hours of morning playing Mafia, rooming with girls who have now become some of my favorite people, and walking away changed, already counting down the 52 weeks until next year. :) At camp this year I also experienced something with these people that I haven't before: I was dealing with a huge decision and was really struggling with something and when I shared it with them at random moments (which usually involved tears and a long explanation), they immediately prayed over me, gave advice, and stood beside me as my heart pounded out of my chest and I followed through with the decision. mmm...

6. Went on a family vacation right before going to camps. Pretty sure I have the best family in the world. Meet them...you'll agree.

7. tried to move to dallas. God said stay put. I said yes sir. (and then complained, and then decided to stay until He says to move)

8. Had some great conversations with Jenny, Brooke, Merrill, Nathan, and Kayce. I'm surrounded by some great people, that live their lives really far away from mine.

9. Those great people also include Fuego people. :)

10. Went to Ikea, a Ranger game and Six Flags with Tiffany. Jd tagged along at 6 flags :)

11. learned a lot about accepting people and not dismissing a friendship just because they are different than me. turns out, some great friendships were developed by loving people. All people.

12. bought a chronological bible. it's amazing. you should get one.

13. I read at least 10 books this summer. Pretty sure most of my pay checks, after bills, goes to books. I'm lame. It's ok - I've accepted it.

14. I tore up my list. The one that states the things I want in my husband. It's gone. In the dumpster. yep.

15. "I often wonder if God recognizes His own son the way we've dressed Him up...or dressed Him down?" (fahrenheit 451) ...hmm...


--ok this has been written over several moments while I talk to Amber and watch the Olympics, both of which are more important than this blog. So while there is still so much more I could and should write...I am stopping now...

third.

my heart longs to write; yearns to write. lately though, while i have desired so much to write of the amazingly incredible blessings the Lord is placing in my life, i have decided to keep it hidden. after all, some things are better left to sit and dwell in my soul :)

so every time i sat to write, i kept wanting to share with you the things that i really want to keep for me, and every time i tried to write something different, ...i just couldn't. so i waited.

then, almost like a lightening bolt, the Lord pulled into my heart the book of Lamentations. (if you haven't read it, i pray that you will. if you have, then you are probably parallel with me how great it is.)

As i read, though, i began to realize that i really don't know anything about the history behind Jeremiah writing the book. so i found this website online that sort of explains bible stuff. I found that the book is a lot sadder than i thought. I've always read it and then been blessed by the part about waiting and how great the Lord is, but I failed to see the beginning of the book and the significance behind it. Basically, Jeremiah is writing about Jerusalem and how they have failed to obey God. The sins of Jerusalem have made the people become like slaves and the once thriving city has become run down and people have stopped coming. This really got to my heart because I know that my sin causes me to be enslaved, and that when I live my life in sin, my thriving life becomes dead. This broke my heart. After all, God does not want us to be slaves to sin, He wants us to live lives of love, passion, and faithfulness to Him.

So I stopped reading Lamentations and decided to just ponder over the city of Jerusalem and the things that had happened. I began to realize that so much of my life ...sometimes...is like Jerusalem. God told them over and over to follow Him - to obey Him - but they didn't. He asked them over and over to do what He said - but they didn't. He blessed their city and allowed it to thrive ...yet when it was time for things to change - when He came to them and lovingly put them in their place,... they chose to live how they wanted to. So he simply stopped letting their city thrive. hmm... i pray that I never get to that point - that I always choose to follow the Lord; to do what He's asked of me...

A friend told me the other day that we are called to thrive in this world - that to simply live is not an option. I know we've heard the word "thrive" thousands of times, but I wanted to know what it really meant - so I could understand a little better. Webster says that to thrive means to " to grow vigorously; to flourish." As I've let that soak for a few days, I realized that that is so right! We tend to live our lives from one day to the next, packing each hour as full as we can with the things of this world. We "live" through appointments, meetings, classes, lunches with friends, conversations, homework, church, bible study, quiet time, prayer...and the list could go on. We "live" through these things with just enough enthusiasm to get through the "whatever" we're having to do at the moment...but very rarely do we "grow vigorously" through those things. When I look at Jerusalem and how it went from this place full of people and booming business and excitement, to a place that probably looked more like a ghost town (like those you see in the western shows), my heart overflows with sadness because so much of our lives are like that.

When we became a Christian (or when we experience a spiritual high), we started out passionately thriving. We wanted to know grow and learn and share our God with the people around us. We wanted to read the Word and pray and dive into walking with the Lord... but somewhere along the line, we got distracted by "living" and we forgot how important it was (it is) to really thrive in this world - to grow vigorously.

I heard a quote once that said, "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".

I believe wholeheartedly that this is exactly what it means to thrive. When you live your life so that you give all you have ...every ounce of energy, every meeting, appt, class, homework, bible study, devotional, prayer...to the Lord ...when you can look back at the end (of your life, the week, the day, the hour) and say that you (that I) used everything He gave...then you (and I) step from the normal "living" of life (like the rest of the world) and enter into a place of thriving.

I don't know about you, but when people look back over my life - when I look back over each hour of each day - I don't want it to be said (or for me to realize) that I just lived my life. I don't even want it to just grow...because even when you grow a tomato plant, sometimes they don't all turn out good and wonderful... but i want my life to grow vigorously. I want passion, devotion, power, ...vigor ...

I want to thrive.

second.

i've spent the last 30 minutes writing ... and then i erased it, because i heard something and was reminded of something, that is so much more important than the words i can piece together to fill this box...

we've known our entire lives that God created us; that He knows us inside and out, ... we know that He knows our thoughts and our hearts and our words even before they come out of our mouths, even before they come through the thought process of our brains. we know this. we've listened to preachers speak to us about it, and worship leaders lead us in songs about it, how we are fearfully and wonderfully made; how He is big and we are small; how He is indescribeable and unexplainable,... and the list could go on. it's been jam-packed into sermons and books and devotionals and yet...i dont think we've actually heard what we've been told - that we've let it sink in; i don't think we really understand how great - how big - God is...

and how small we are.

I wish I had the perfect words to put into your heart ...but instead i'm simply going to share with you what really put it into perspective for me.

Let me set up the background for your first. God is talking to Moses - through a burning bush - explaining to him that he has been chosen to go to pharoah and bring God's people out of egypt. And Moses is confused as to how he (and why) is even able enough to do this because he knows the power of pharoah and that doing something like this could get him killed. and as Moses expresses his concerns God responds with ...not a peptalk to explain Moses' qualities and with a "you can do it" enthusiast voice...but instead simply tells Moses "I will be with you." As I was reading this, I tried to put myself in Moses' shoes. Here he is standing in the desert, before this burning bush, with his shoes off (holy ground remember!) and God is telling him to go rescue people from a ruler that, in that day, was so very powerful - from a ruler that with one word - could have Moses killed. Just thinking about that makes me nervous. I'm not sure I could've done it.

So Moses asks God how the people will know that God has sent him. I can imagine him telling God that the people won't believe his story (ie - there was a burning bush talking to him) - and they'll probably laugh at him. And then he asks God his name. And God simply says... "I am who I am. Tell them 'I AM sent me to you'." Again, if I were Moses I'd be real confused...imagining telling the people that I AM sent him and them looking at him like he's been in the sun too long; and his grammar is completely wacked. :) But heres where it gets good so instead of trying to make it into my own words and attempt to share it with you i'll share with you what the book I read said:

"God was telling Moses:
I AM the center of everything.
I AM running the show.
I AM the same every day, forever.
I AM the owner of everything.
I AM the Lord.
I AM the Creator and Sustainer of life.
I AM the Savior.
I AM more than enough
I AM inexhaustable and immeasureable.
I AM God.

In a heartbeat, Moses knew God's name - and something more. He finally knew his. For if God's name is I AM, then Moses' name must be I am not.

I am not the center of everything.
I am not in control.
I am not the solution.
I am not all-powerful.
I am not calling the shots.
I am not the owner of anything.
I am not the Lord...
I am not running anything.
I am not the head of anything.
I am not in charge of anything.
I am not the maker.
I am not the savior.
I am not holding it all together.
I am not all-knowing.
I am not God.

(the end).

...God is big. I am not. He is calling the shots and directing the script of our lives. He has created us, is in us, knows us intimately and perfectly, ... and He doesn't really need us to make His world work. His power and majesty does not need us ... yet He chooses to include us - to include me - in the story He has created. That simply blows my mind.

and a little bit later in the book...

God knows everything about everything and everyone. His eyes race back and forth across cosmos faster than we can scan the words on a page. There is not a bird flying through the air or perched on a branch that escapes His field of vision. He could start with Adam and name every man, woman, and child who has ever lived, describing every detail about each one. To Him, pitch darkness and midday are one in the same. Nothing is hidden from Him. He wrestles with no mysteries. He doesn't need to wait for a polygraph machine to decipher the truth. He sees clearly and comprehends all He sees. He's never known what it is like to have a teacher, a role model, an advisor, a therapist, a loan officer, an adjuster, a doctor, a mother.

God's rule and reign are unrivaled in history and eternity. He sits on an everlasting throne. His Kingdom has no end. Little gods abound, but He alone made the heavens and the earth. God has never feared a power struggle or a hostile takeover. He doesn't even have to watch His back. He has no equal. No peer. No competition.

It makes perfect sense that His name should be I AM.

and one more thing:

Though we are transient dust particles in a universe that is expanding faster than the speed of light, the unexplainable mystery of mysteries is that you and I are loved and prized by the God of all Creation. Simply because He wanted to. He fashioned each of us in His own image, creating within us the capacity to know Him. And if that wasn't staggering enough, in spite of our foolishness and rebellious hearts, God has pursued us with relentless passion and patience, fully expressing to us His unfathomable love through the mercy and grace of the cross of His son, Jesus Christ.


wow. i have no words or explanations or ways to sum this up, other than - How great is our God. :)

first

so im sitting on the couch, eating strawberries and cream oatmeal (which is heavenly), typing away at the nothingness that exists in this first post, with jon mclaughlin singing beautiful music in the background. I'm not quite sure why I even started this thing - after all, no one's going to read it (well not after the initial post that I'll probably proclaim on facebook). I'm just doing it because Sydni did and it looked interesting.

and so im still sitting here...on a friday night...bored. my roommate went to bed hours ago and I've spent my night sifting through the piles of laundry sitting on my bedroom floor screaming at me to be washed, folded, and put away. I am not usually the kind of girl with clothes all over her room, but a few months ago something happened and I just stopped folding laundry. I think the combination of teaching school, online classes, and lack of sleep caused the unfortunate event to occur. if only you'd had the opportunity to open my closet door yesterday - you would have been in for a big surprise and possibly an injury as laundry spilled over the top of the basket, onto the floor, and out the door. Not only that, it was a mixture of clean and dirty as I scrambled to get the house clean before a friend stopped by the other night. I had 15 minutes to get my bed made, the clothes basket out of view, and the living room looking like we don't sleep there (pillows and blankets filled the couches). In my moments of chaos, I just threw all the clothes in the closet - not once considering (until I'd already done it) that not all those were of the same nature. In fact, I didn't even remember that I'd put everything in there until the next morning when I opened the door to get something out and everything came spewing out at me.

And as I struggled through the laundry (no, I did not attempt to filter through it and clean it at that moment) to get a simple pair of flip flops so I could trek around town, a thought occured to me... "how in the world did I allow this to get this crazy? and who in their right mind would do laundry just to let it sit in a basket for a week?"



So many times I let that happen to things in my life. I let a load of laundry (or a broken friendship, sometimes dishes in the sink, homework assignments, unsaid words that need to be spoken, voicemails, the number of days spent not reading my bible, etc) pile up and pile up until something breaks; until my heart is so overloaded with emotions or dishes are piling over onto the counter...whatever it may be... that I just break. Whether that be breaking down, breaking into a cleaning fiasco, breaking into a fierce study mode, allowing myself to push delete on all the voicemails - sometimes without listening to the entire message, etc..i simply break.

The reason I do this is simple: they are all things I can control. So much of my life is planned out for me (especially during the school year) that when I find things in my life that I can control - like whether or not I do the dishes or fold my laundry - or whether i talk through a broken friendship or spend time in the Word -- I tend to let those things be the first to go...and usually go for a while.

And then the day comes where I redo all the laundry, unload and reload the dishwasher, read my bible, check and return all the email/text messages and listen to the voicemails -only to find that there were 5(from several different days) from my dearest friend Kelby leaving me incredible words of encouragement :) - that I realized that letting things pile up is ok ...because when I get in that moment of cleaning it all up and putting it all back to order - I find that the moments alone, the times spent washing, listening to encouragement...the times of just reorganizing my life... are the times I feel really really blessed.

(...so this has been written over several hours, between doing laundry and completing a homework assignment I forgot I had, and talking to a new friend ...and so now, when i try to wrap it up - when I try to remember what I intended to say in the first place... I simply cant. So i'm going to end this, without reading over it and hope it all makes sense...and hope that somewhere in it, you can see my heart, hear my voice, and ...yeah)