fourth.

it's been too long. and instead of trying to find something grand to share with you...i'll just recap the past few months with a list:

1. went to North Carolina.

2. Went to California. (saw Jimmy Kimmel, was in the audience for Deal or No Deal, walked down Rodeo Drive, saw the Walk of Fame, and the Chinese Theatre where the hand/footprints are, went to the LA Dodgers/Angels game, etc)

3. Spent three weeks at camp.

4. The first week was at OBU in Arkansas, where I was on the Security team :)

5. Weeks 2 and 3 were spent with the most amazing people in the world - at Camp Fuego. After three years, these people are no longer just friends, they are family. These weeks were spent loving God and loving people; learning, teaching, laughing, experiencing discouragement and then being encouraged and prayed over, enhancing friendships with great conversations and moments spent together, staying up until the wee hours of morning playing Mafia, rooming with girls who have now become some of my favorite people, and walking away changed, already counting down the 52 weeks until next year. :) At camp this year I also experienced something with these people that I haven't before: I was dealing with a huge decision and was really struggling with something and when I shared it with them at random moments (which usually involved tears and a long explanation), they immediately prayed over me, gave advice, and stood beside me as my heart pounded out of my chest and I followed through with the decision. mmm...

6. Went on a family vacation right before going to camps. Pretty sure I have the best family in the world. Meet them...you'll agree.

7. tried to move to dallas. God said stay put. I said yes sir. (and then complained, and then decided to stay until He says to move)

8. Had some great conversations with Jenny, Brooke, Merrill, Nathan, and Kayce. I'm surrounded by some great people, that live their lives really far away from mine.

9. Those great people also include Fuego people. :)

10. Went to Ikea, a Ranger game and Six Flags with Tiffany. Jd tagged along at 6 flags :)

11. learned a lot about accepting people and not dismissing a friendship just because they are different than me. turns out, some great friendships were developed by loving people. All people.

12. bought a chronological bible. it's amazing. you should get one.

13. I read at least 10 books this summer. Pretty sure most of my pay checks, after bills, goes to books. I'm lame. It's ok - I've accepted it.

14. I tore up my list. The one that states the things I want in my husband. It's gone. In the dumpster. yep.

15. "I often wonder if God recognizes His own son the way we've dressed Him up...or dressed Him down?" (fahrenheit 451) ...hmm...


--ok this has been written over several moments while I talk to Amber and watch the Olympics, both of which are more important than this blog. So while there is still so much more I could and should write...I am stopping now...

third.

my heart longs to write; yearns to write. lately though, while i have desired so much to write of the amazingly incredible blessings the Lord is placing in my life, i have decided to keep it hidden. after all, some things are better left to sit and dwell in my soul :)

so every time i sat to write, i kept wanting to share with you the things that i really want to keep for me, and every time i tried to write something different, ...i just couldn't. so i waited.

then, almost like a lightening bolt, the Lord pulled into my heart the book of Lamentations. (if you haven't read it, i pray that you will. if you have, then you are probably parallel with me how great it is.)

As i read, though, i began to realize that i really don't know anything about the history behind Jeremiah writing the book. so i found this website online that sort of explains bible stuff. I found that the book is a lot sadder than i thought. I've always read it and then been blessed by the part about waiting and how great the Lord is, but I failed to see the beginning of the book and the significance behind it. Basically, Jeremiah is writing about Jerusalem and how they have failed to obey God. The sins of Jerusalem have made the people become like slaves and the once thriving city has become run down and people have stopped coming. This really got to my heart because I know that my sin causes me to be enslaved, and that when I live my life in sin, my thriving life becomes dead. This broke my heart. After all, God does not want us to be slaves to sin, He wants us to live lives of love, passion, and faithfulness to Him.

So I stopped reading Lamentations and decided to just ponder over the city of Jerusalem and the things that had happened. I began to realize that so much of my life ...sometimes...is like Jerusalem. God told them over and over to follow Him - to obey Him - but they didn't. He asked them over and over to do what He said - but they didn't. He blessed their city and allowed it to thrive ...yet when it was time for things to change - when He came to them and lovingly put them in their place,... they chose to live how they wanted to. So he simply stopped letting their city thrive. hmm... i pray that I never get to that point - that I always choose to follow the Lord; to do what He's asked of me...

A friend told me the other day that we are called to thrive in this world - that to simply live is not an option. I know we've heard the word "thrive" thousands of times, but I wanted to know what it really meant - so I could understand a little better. Webster says that to thrive means to " to grow vigorously; to flourish." As I've let that soak for a few days, I realized that that is so right! We tend to live our lives from one day to the next, packing each hour as full as we can with the things of this world. We "live" through appointments, meetings, classes, lunches with friends, conversations, homework, church, bible study, quiet time, prayer...and the list could go on. We "live" through these things with just enough enthusiasm to get through the "whatever" we're having to do at the moment...but very rarely do we "grow vigorously" through those things. When I look at Jerusalem and how it went from this place full of people and booming business and excitement, to a place that probably looked more like a ghost town (like those you see in the western shows), my heart overflows with sadness because so much of our lives are like that.

When we became a Christian (or when we experience a spiritual high), we started out passionately thriving. We wanted to know grow and learn and share our God with the people around us. We wanted to read the Word and pray and dive into walking with the Lord... but somewhere along the line, we got distracted by "living" and we forgot how important it was (it is) to really thrive in this world - to grow vigorously.

I heard a quote once that said, "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".

I believe wholeheartedly that this is exactly what it means to thrive. When you live your life so that you give all you have ...every ounce of energy, every meeting, appt, class, homework, bible study, devotional, prayer...to the Lord ...when you can look back at the end (of your life, the week, the day, the hour) and say that you (that I) used everything He gave...then you (and I) step from the normal "living" of life (like the rest of the world) and enter into a place of thriving.

I don't know about you, but when people look back over my life - when I look back over each hour of each day - I don't want it to be said (or for me to realize) that I just lived my life. I don't even want it to just grow...because even when you grow a tomato plant, sometimes they don't all turn out good and wonderful... but i want my life to grow vigorously. I want passion, devotion, power, ...vigor ...

I want to thrive.

second.

i've spent the last 30 minutes writing ... and then i erased it, because i heard something and was reminded of something, that is so much more important than the words i can piece together to fill this box...

we've known our entire lives that God created us; that He knows us inside and out, ... we know that He knows our thoughts and our hearts and our words even before they come out of our mouths, even before they come through the thought process of our brains. we know this. we've listened to preachers speak to us about it, and worship leaders lead us in songs about it, how we are fearfully and wonderfully made; how He is big and we are small; how He is indescribeable and unexplainable,... and the list could go on. it's been jam-packed into sermons and books and devotionals and yet...i dont think we've actually heard what we've been told - that we've let it sink in; i don't think we really understand how great - how big - God is...

and how small we are.

I wish I had the perfect words to put into your heart ...but instead i'm simply going to share with you what really put it into perspective for me.

Let me set up the background for your first. God is talking to Moses - through a burning bush - explaining to him that he has been chosen to go to pharoah and bring God's people out of egypt. And Moses is confused as to how he (and why) is even able enough to do this because he knows the power of pharoah and that doing something like this could get him killed. and as Moses expresses his concerns God responds with ...not a peptalk to explain Moses' qualities and with a "you can do it" enthusiast voice...but instead simply tells Moses "I will be with you." As I was reading this, I tried to put myself in Moses' shoes. Here he is standing in the desert, before this burning bush, with his shoes off (holy ground remember!) and God is telling him to go rescue people from a ruler that, in that day, was so very powerful - from a ruler that with one word - could have Moses killed. Just thinking about that makes me nervous. I'm not sure I could've done it.

So Moses asks God how the people will know that God has sent him. I can imagine him telling God that the people won't believe his story (ie - there was a burning bush talking to him) - and they'll probably laugh at him. And then he asks God his name. And God simply says... "I am who I am. Tell them 'I AM sent me to you'." Again, if I were Moses I'd be real confused...imagining telling the people that I AM sent him and them looking at him like he's been in the sun too long; and his grammar is completely wacked. :) But heres where it gets good so instead of trying to make it into my own words and attempt to share it with you i'll share with you what the book I read said:

"God was telling Moses:
I AM the center of everything.
I AM running the show.
I AM the same every day, forever.
I AM the owner of everything.
I AM the Lord.
I AM the Creator and Sustainer of life.
I AM the Savior.
I AM more than enough
I AM inexhaustable and immeasureable.
I AM God.

In a heartbeat, Moses knew God's name - and something more. He finally knew his. For if God's name is I AM, then Moses' name must be I am not.

I am not the center of everything.
I am not in control.
I am not the solution.
I am not all-powerful.
I am not calling the shots.
I am not the owner of anything.
I am not the Lord...
I am not running anything.
I am not the head of anything.
I am not in charge of anything.
I am not the maker.
I am not the savior.
I am not holding it all together.
I am not all-knowing.
I am not God.

(the end).

...God is big. I am not. He is calling the shots and directing the script of our lives. He has created us, is in us, knows us intimately and perfectly, ... and He doesn't really need us to make His world work. His power and majesty does not need us ... yet He chooses to include us - to include me - in the story He has created. That simply blows my mind.

and a little bit later in the book...

God knows everything about everything and everyone. His eyes race back and forth across cosmos faster than we can scan the words on a page. There is not a bird flying through the air or perched on a branch that escapes His field of vision. He could start with Adam and name every man, woman, and child who has ever lived, describing every detail about each one. To Him, pitch darkness and midday are one in the same. Nothing is hidden from Him. He wrestles with no mysteries. He doesn't need to wait for a polygraph machine to decipher the truth. He sees clearly and comprehends all He sees. He's never known what it is like to have a teacher, a role model, an advisor, a therapist, a loan officer, an adjuster, a doctor, a mother.

God's rule and reign are unrivaled in history and eternity. He sits on an everlasting throne. His Kingdom has no end. Little gods abound, but He alone made the heavens and the earth. God has never feared a power struggle or a hostile takeover. He doesn't even have to watch His back. He has no equal. No peer. No competition.

It makes perfect sense that His name should be I AM.

and one more thing:

Though we are transient dust particles in a universe that is expanding faster than the speed of light, the unexplainable mystery of mysteries is that you and I are loved and prized by the God of all Creation. Simply because He wanted to. He fashioned each of us in His own image, creating within us the capacity to know Him. And if that wasn't staggering enough, in spite of our foolishness and rebellious hearts, God has pursued us with relentless passion and patience, fully expressing to us His unfathomable love through the mercy and grace of the cross of His son, Jesus Christ.


wow. i have no words or explanations or ways to sum this up, other than - How great is our God. :)

first

so im sitting on the couch, eating strawberries and cream oatmeal (which is heavenly), typing away at the nothingness that exists in this first post, with jon mclaughlin singing beautiful music in the background. I'm not quite sure why I even started this thing - after all, no one's going to read it (well not after the initial post that I'll probably proclaim on facebook). I'm just doing it because Sydni did and it looked interesting.

and so im still sitting here...on a friday night...bored. my roommate went to bed hours ago and I've spent my night sifting through the piles of laundry sitting on my bedroom floor screaming at me to be washed, folded, and put away. I am not usually the kind of girl with clothes all over her room, but a few months ago something happened and I just stopped folding laundry. I think the combination of teaching school, online classes, and lack of sleep caused the unfortunate event to occur. if only you'd had the opportunity to open my closet door yesterday - you would have been in for a big surprise and possibly an injury as laundry spilled over the top of the basket, onto the floor, and out the door. Not only that, it was a mixture of clean and dirty as I scrambled to get the house clean before a friend stopped by the other night. I had 15 minutes to get my bed made, the clothes basket out of view, and the living room looking like we don't sleep there (pillows and blankets filled the couches). In my moments of chaos, I just threw all the clothes in the closet - not once considering (until I'd already done it) that not all those were of the same nature. In fact, I didn't even remember that I'd put everything in there until the next morning when I opened the door to get something out and everything came spewing out at me.

And as I struggled through the laundry (no, I did not attempt to filter through it and clean it at that moment) to get a simple pair of flip flops so I could trek around town, a thought occured to me... "how in the world did I allow this to get this crazy? and who in their right mind would do laundry just to let it sit in a basket for a week?"



So many times I let that happen to things in my life. I let a load of laundry (or a broken friendship, sometimes dishes in the sink, homework assignments, unsaid words that need to be spoken, voicemails, the number of days spent not reading my bible, etc) pile up and pile up until something breaks; until my heart is so overloaded with emotions or dishes are piling over onto the counter...whatever it may be... that I just break. Whether that be breaking down, breaking into a cleaning fiasco, breaking into a fierce study mode, allowing myself to push delete on all the voicemails - sometimes without listening to the entire message, etc..i simply break.

The reason I do this is simple: they are all things I can control. So much of my life is planned out for me (especially during the school year) that when I find things in my life that I can control - like whether or not I do the dishes or fold my laundry - or whether i talk through a broken friendship or spend time in the Word -- I tend to let those things be the first to go...and usually go for a while.

And then the day comes where I redo all the laundry, unload and reload the dishwasher, read my bible, check and return all the email/text messages and listen to the voicemails -only to find that there were 5(from several different days) from my dearest friend Kelby leaving me incredible words of encouragement :) - that I realized that letting things pile up is ok ...because when I get in that moment of cleaning it all up and putting it all back to order - I find that the moments alone, the times spent washing, listening to encouragement...the times of just reorganizing my life... are the times I feel really really blessed.

(...so this has been written over several hours, between doing laundry and completing a homework assignment I forgot I had, and talking to a new friend ...and so now, when i try to wrap it up - when I try to remember what I intended to say in the first place... I simply cant. So i'm going to end this, without reading over it and hope it all makes sense...and hope that somewhere in it, you can see my heart, hear my voice, and ...yeah)