Preface: if you are a guy and don't really care about reading all this...or if you get bored...just skip to the bottom...there is an important note to you there.
So I've been reading...a lot lately. In the past few months, I'm pretty sure (though I haven't been counting) I've read about 15 books. From fiction to nonfiction to christian based novels to adolescent literature so I can find things for my students to read...I've read it all. But I'm not writing tonight to tell you about all the books I've read, because then that would make me seem like more of a nerd than I actually am. :)
Instead, I'm writing because of a book that I snubbed a few years ago that has recently captured my attention. I bought it back in college and immediately gave it away after reading only a few pages, determined that it was not for me, that I wouldn't get anything from it. After all, it all seemed like some sort of hype to me - every girl (and guy) was reading it, talking about it, having bible studies about it, and posting things about it. I'm not going to tell you the name of it until the end, so you don't judge the book on a preconceived idea like I did.
I believe every girl deals with the "not enough, but too whatever" syndrome. It's when we compare and critique ourselves until we have lowered our self esteem so much that we actually start to believe that we really aren't enough. We tell ourselves that we aren't smart enough, thin enough, tall enough, ...not pretty enough, graceful enough, athletic enough, kind enough, outgoing enough...but we're too emotional, too sensitive, too opinionated, too talkative, too....whatever. We pick ourselves a part until there isn't one good quality about us left, until we have so downgraded ourselves that we really start believing that we aren't worthy of anything or anyone. You know you've been there, that you've experienced exactly what I'm talking about - I know you have - because I have too. I tear myself down all the time (just ask my roommate), because for some reason, I believe that I'm not good enough...ever.
So I was reading this book, and the author started talking about what I just shared with you, and for a moment, it was like she was sitting right beside me, talking straight to me. Here's what she said...
"if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts...We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness and find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be. Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more..we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us ...is try harder."
I'm not sure that truer words have ever been spoken. How many times do we wonder what being a woman means? How many times do we wish we weren't so emotional, so critical, so judgemental, so ...complicated? We say over and over again that if we were more ____ (fill in the blank) or if we were more like _____ (whoever) then life would be so much better; that we'd get exactly what we wanted (the perfect job, house, friends, guy, etc). And in doing this, we lose ourselves, we lose who God made us to be, and we do a pretty good job of tearing that woman down. And though the Word flat out says that the "King is enthralled by [our] beauty" (PS 45:11), for some reason we fail to believe it.
The author continues on saying that when we do the things above, that we destroy (and miss) the most important part of being a woman: the heart. She quotes Proverbs 4:23 (Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life). Then..."above all else. why? because God knows that our heart is core to who we are. It is the source of all our creativity, our courage, our convictions. It is the fountainhead of our faith, our hope, and of course, our love. This "wellspring of life" within us is the very essence of our existence, the center of who we are"
As I read her words, I felt like God was speaking to me...pleading with me to believe Him, to see that I am worthy, that I am beautiful. Genesis says that God created us in His image, and because that is true, then I cannot be not smart enough, thin enough, tall enough, ...not pretty enough, gracious enough, kind enough, outgoing enough...but we're too emotional, too sensitive, too messy, too opinionated, too....whatever. It's impossible to be in the "not enough and too whatever" category because I was made in His image and He doesn't fit into those categories.
She continues ...and blew me away when she said "your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities - as a reflection of God's own heart." I stopped reading. Then I reread it. Then I underlined it. And then I wrote it down and pasted it on my mirror. Because if we were to get real honest, it's true. The fact that God created me, makes me ...enough. I am pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, gracious enough,...I am the perfect amount of sensitive, opinion, emotion. I am exactly how He made me to be, and while I don't always believe it,...its true.
So what am I learning? I'm learning that the "not enough and too whatever" syndrome is a horrible habit. I'm learning that I am worth something. I am worth pursuing. I am worth loving. I am worth thinking (and believing) that I am beautiful. I am worth it. :)
Oh, and all the guys out there...here's a secret(i tweaked it a bit from the book): every woman, in her heart of hearts, longs for three things: to be seen, wanted and pursued; to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure; and to be romanced.
the book? Captivating.
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