I'm a tolerator. [yes, i made up that word].
But, it's true. I'm really good at tolerating people; with putting up with them. I'm practically a professional tolerator. [I can add that to my resume' right?]
I tolerate the 15 year old boys who barge into my classroom, yelling, screaming, hitting, and picking on each other, because they're 15 and that's what they do. [apparently]
I tolerate the girl who never turns in her homework on time, or scoots by on her assignments by copying another girl in her class. [too bad I never can prove it, though I am 99.9% sure it's happening]
I tolerate the kid who plays basketball in my neighborhood at random times throughout the day/week(and seems, at times, to be right outside my window). [and it's warming up so he'll be out there more. woohoo]
I tolerate the people behind me in line at the store, who insist on using foul language, even when I've asked them nicely to stop.
I tolerate the attitudes about having to work in class, or the questions about where something is or how something is done in class. [although we are in the middle of the 5th six weeks and have been doing the same routine since day one. who ever said there aren't stupid questions...was wrong]
I tolerate people who constantly throw negativity in my face, and seem to always have something negative to say about something in my life. [this means their jealous of me, right? at least that what's mom/dad always have said]
I tolerate the man who seemingly always ends up in front of me at some point in my drive to school, and never fails to drive approximately 35 miles an hour. [the speed limit is 55]
I tolerate the teenager who, despite the second chances they're given, still chooses to be selfish and take advantage of people.
I tolerate bad attitudes, bad choices, bad looks, bad people, bad breath, and bad days.
But, that's nothing - really - compared to all the tolerating the Big Man upstairs does. I mean, if you really think about it, He tolerates a lot. Complacent Christians, Fence riding "Christians", battles in the Middle East, people using His name in vain, my (at times) crappy prayer life, hypocrites, child molesters, liars,...people who are having affairs, people who are living for themselves, people who tear others down, people who create war within the world (or between others), people who...and the list could go on and on ...and on.
If you think about it, it'd be real easy for God to just reach down and squash those of us that aren't living lives reflecting Him. He could, literally, if He so chose, decide to wipe out all the people of this world who are on the enemy's side, flirting with the devil and playing along with his schemes. He could take it upon Himself to keep a tally of all the things we do wrong, and once we get to a certain number, simply thump us out of existence with a flick of his finger. (and thankfully, He's a God of grace and millions of 2nd chances, and doesn't keep a record of our wrongs!)
[But I'm sure we could think of a few people we'd like Him to get rid of...because just thinking about their sinful life irks us SO much.]
And then I remember this: "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God"
And this: "thou shall have no other gods before Me" [and the rest of Exodus 20]
And this: "So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth."
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I wonder how many times I focus so much on tolerating other people and their issues (talking bad about them or explaining what I'd fix about them, or what they need to do better, or how they did 'this' and 'this' last night), that I sweep under the rug the things that He's tolerating about me...
After all, I am called to "be holy, for I AM holy."
And to "put to death whatever is in you that is of this world, ...and put on the new self that is being renewed in the knowledge after the image of my Creator."
And to "not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."
Right? [gulp]
Maybe this week instead of "tolerating" people and their issues, I'll try being patient with the fact that they may be different than me, or that while they may have qualities that get on my ever-loving nerves (and I want to yell and scream and strangle them b/c I'm so annoyed)... I can find a place in my heart (& attitude) to love them (1 John 4:7-8) and shine some Jesus into their life.
And maybe, I'll lift up that rug in my life where I've been sweeping all the things I know He's tolerating about me...and work on making those better in my life.
After all, I kinda (A LOT) do like being His child. And being loved by Him. and being cared for & blessed. and being able to do His work. And being able to talk to Him. And being able to learn from Him and grow and become who He wants me to be.
[And... I'd really like to avoid being thumped out (I mean, if He so chooses to start doing that. Ha)] :)
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
the details of life
I firmly believe that God directs every single detail of the paths of our lives, to be and go exactly where He intended us to go and to end up, even with the "free will" we have, exactly where He wants us to end up. It's pretty neat to look back and see that, while we made certain decisions, His fingerprints are all over our paths. This past week, as reflections from the past year or so were discussed, I was blown away at His incredible attention to the details.... :)
[to see what I mean, keep reading]
September 2009.
One and a half years ago...
...Lane and I hunted each other down after a Shane & Shane concert so we could take this picture. We had texted throughout the entire concert, and I'm sure I was more focused on the phone conversation than on the stage. We'd been friends since earlier that summer, after we'd been introduced a 2nd time (I actually didn't remember meeting him the first time. oops. lol). From June to September we became really good friends. Best friends. We'd talked about everything under the sun, from relationships to family to school to Jesus to other life things. There was this crazy amount of transparency in our conversations, and our communication was unbelievable. As I look back at that time in our friendship, I remember how easy it was to talk to him, and how he was the first guy I'd been friends with in a long time where I felt like I could speak my mind and heart, and never feel like he was going to shoot me down or make fun of my ideas and the things that were important to me. He listened. And yet, he also gave his opinion and talked about things in his life. And he made me laugh. A lot. His humor and wit were a staple in our friendship and he had this way of making my days better. Our friendship was something really special.
[And I secretly thought he was cute.] :)
March 2010. Our first picture together as a couple.
One year ago...
...I had just gotten back from a Mavs game in Dallas with my family. Lane and I had been texting throughout the game. I remember being overly concerned that my phone was going to die in the middle of our convo, and made sure to plug it in as soon as we got in the car. Haha! I was being kind of cautious with him because a week prior we had talked about how we wanted to hang out and he made it pretty clear that he just wanted a friendship (he had gotten out of a relationship a little over a month before). It really hadn't crossed my mind to be anything more than friends, but after his comment, it seemed to stick in my thoughts. During our Mavs game convo, the subject of hanging out was brought up again. Part of me wanted to find an excuse so as to avoid the same type of conversation that we'd had the week before, but the other part of me really wanted to see and hang out with my friend. :) We decided to hang out on Sunday, as he would be passing through my town anyway on his way from his parents house back to ETBU. It was spring break, but he had to work so he was heading back to campus.
I remember being a little nervous waiting on him to get there, but I quickly pep-talked myself into chill mode. :) After all, we were just friends, and had been for a while, and he'd already made the comment about hanging out as friends (yes, he only mentioned it once, but for a girl - once it's said, it's stuck in our minds. ridiculous, i know. ha.).
Long story made short - Lane showed up and we laughed and talked for several hours. And by several, I actually mean like 8. I don't even remember if we moved from where we were sitting, or if we even ate supper. Haha. It was one my most favorite days. :) But the cool part - was that in the middle of our conversation, it was like God was just ever-present, controlling our convo and bringing up random topics and things we had in common that proved to be part of the "little details" thing I mentioned at the beginning.
[And that was just day one.]
The rest of the week was spent laughing and talking and watching movies and cooking and learning about each other. Our communication was impeccable! I'd definitely rate it in my top 5 spring breaks in my life. I won't bore you with all the little details about our first week together, but I will say that it was amazing to watch God break down barriers in both of our hearts, heal broken wounds, and I'm pretty sure we said "this is crazy!" 15 thousand times as we watched Him intricately develop our friendship into a relationship. As much as we tried, we couldn't really put into words the cool stuff He was doing with us. :)
[and over the next few months, I fell in love. beautiful, perfect, fun love. (seriously)]
March 2011. Our most recent picture together.
One year later...
...and I still catch myself saying "this is crazy" sometimes. Because we love being together, and hanging out with each other watching movies or playing Super Nintendo or other things that most people would consider boring or lame. But we like them and we have fun :) And we don't fight or argue (in fact, we were talking this week about how while there are things we have disagreed on, we've never gotten into an argument about them. it's crazy, i know, but it's SO really cool, too!). And we love talking to one another. And we love being in love. And I still can't explain our relationship in words that you'd understand. And I still love this man a ridiculous amount. And he still makes me laugh - a lot. (And, every once in a while, I get to be the funny one, and he laughs at something I've said. But this has only happened like 3 times in the past year. Ha.) And our communication is still awesome. I could sit here and give you tons of examples, and ways in which communication has been the key to our relationship, but instead let me just say that other than Jesus and humor, communication is definitely in the top 3 of why we get to fall in love every day. :)
[I'll move on and not bore you with more mushy gushy stuff about how much I love Lane Patrick McClung, and list all the reasons why. I'm pretty sure if you've been around either of us for very long, you kinda pick up on the fact that we kinda like being around each other, and we kinda enjoy each other, and we kinda love each other. :)]
And about all the little intricate details that God keeps using to pave our paths... well, they keep popping up everywhere, and blowing my mind. And then, this morning as I was getting ready, I was reminded again of exactly how important details are to God...
[Mmm...so so good. :)]
And the cool thing is that this is just one small example from my life of the "little details" that He has used. I could write post after post about His attention to things. :)
So...sign me up for another year :) I can't imagine what else You have in store for me. Surely it can't get much better than this.
And bring on the little details :) I'm ready.
[to see what I mean, keep reading]
September 2009.
One and a half years ago...
...Lane and I hunted each other down after a Shane & Shane concert so we could take this picture. We had texted throughout the entire concert, and I'm sure I was more focused on the phone conversation than on the stage. We'd been friends since earlier that summer, after we'd been introduced a 2nd time (I actually didn't remember meeting him the first time. oops. lol). From June to September we became really good friends. Best friends. We'd talked about everything under the sun, from relationships to family to school to Jesus to other life things. There was this crazy amount of transparency in our conversations, and our communication was unbelievable. As I look back at that time in our friendship, I remember how easy it was to talk to him, and how he was the first guy I'd been friends with in a long time where I felt like I could speak my mind and heart, and never feel like he was going to shoot me down or make fun of my ideas and the things that were important to me. He listened. And yet, he also gave his opinion and talked about things in his life. And he made me laugh. A lot. His humor and wit were a staple in our friendship and he had this way of making my days better. Our friendship was something really special.
[And I secretly thought he was cute.] :)
March 2010. Our first picture together as a couple.
One year ago...
...I had just gotten back from a Mavs game in Dallas with my family. Lane and I had been texting throughout the game. I remember being overly concerned that my phone was going to die in the middle of our convo, and made sure to plug it in as soon as we got in the car. Haha! I was being kind of cautious with him because a week prior we had talked about how we wanted to hang out and he made it pretty clear that he just wanted a friendship (he had gotten out of a relationship a little over a month before). It really hadn't crossed my mind to be anything more than friends, but after his comment, it seemed to stick in my thoughts. During our Mavs game convo, the subject of hanging out was brought up again. Part of me wanted to find an excuse so as to avoid the same type of conversation that we'd had the week before, but the other part of me really wanted to see and hang out with my friend. :) We decided to hang out on Sunday, as he would be passing through my town anyway on his way from his parents house back to ETBU. It was spring break, but he had to work so he was heading back to campus.
I remember being a little nervous waiting on him to get there, but I quickly pep-talked myself into chill mode. :) After all, we were just friends, and had been for a while, and he'd already made the comment about hanging out as friends (yes, he only mentioned it once, but for a girl - once it's said, it's stuck in our minds. ridiculous, i know. ha.).
Long story made short - Lane showed up and we laughed and talked for several hours. And by several, I actually mean like 8. I don't even remember if we moved from where we were sitting, or if we even ate supper. Haha. It was one my most favorite days. :) But the cool part - was that in the middle of our conversation, it was like God was just ever-present, controlling our convo and bringing up random topics and things we had in common that proved to be part of the "little details" thing I mentioned at the beginning.
[And that was just day one.]
The rest of the week was spent laughing and talking and watching movies and cooking and learning about each other. Our communication was impeccable! I'd definitely rate it in my top 5 spring breaks in my life. I won't bore you with all the little details about our first week together, but I will say that it was amazing to watch God break down barriers in both of our hearts, heal broken wounds, and I'm pretty sure we said "this is crazy!" 15 thousand times as we watched Him intricately develop our friendship into a relationship. As much as we tried, we couldn't really put into words the cool stuff He was doing with us. :)
[and over the next few months, I fell in love. beautiful, perfect, fun love. (seriously)]
March 2011. Our most recent picture together.
One year later...
...and I still catch myself saying "this is crazy" sometimes. Because we love being together, and hanging out with each other watching movies or playing Super Nintendo or other things that most people would consider boring or lame. But we like them and we have fun :) And we don't fight or argue (in fact, we were talking this week about how while there are things we have disagreed on, we've never gotten into an argument about them. it's crazy, i know, but it's SO really cool, too!). And we love talking to one another. And we love being in love. And I still can't explain our relationship in words that you'd understand. And I still love this man a ridiculous amount. And he still makes me laugh - a lot. (And, every once in a while, I get to be the funny one, and he laughs at something I've said. But this has only happened like 3 times in the past year. Ha.) And our communication is still awesome. I could sit here and give you tons of examples, and ways in which communication has been the key to our relationship, but instead let me just say that other than Jesus and humor, communication is definitely in the top 3 of why we get to fall in love every day. :)
[I'll move on and not bore you with more mushy gushy stuff about how much I love Lane Patrick McClung, and list all the reasons why. I'm pretty sure if you've been around either of us for very long, you kinda pick up on the fact that we kinda like being around each other, and we kinda enjoy each other, and we kinda love each other. :)]
And about all the little intricate details that God keeps using to pave our paths... well, they keep popping up everywhere, and blowing my mind. And then, this morning as I was getting ready, I was reminded again of exactly how important details are to God...
"The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives" [PSalm 37:23]
[Mmm...so so good. :)]
And the cool thing is that this is just one small example from my life of the "little details" that He has used. I could write post after post about His attention to things. :)
So...sign me up for another year :) I can't imagine what else You have in store for me. Surely it can't get much better than this.
And bring on the little details :) I'm ready.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
from the heart of teenagers
My kids have these journals...
They've decorated the front and adorned the pages with their words. They write daily entries as well as ten topics per six weeks that are to be done on their own time. On the first day I told them that if there was ever anything in their journals that they didn't want me to read, then they could fold the page and I wouldn't read it. And I have kept my word. I was worried, at first, that my kiddos would turn down every page and try to sneak by the assignment, but I was proved wrong (and humbled) as I read page after page. While there were some who have chosen to ear-mark things they'd rather keep for their eyes only, as we're embarking on the 5th six weeks, it has been amazing to see that fewer of the pages are turned down.
[And how many of them are beginning to actually pour their hearts onto the pages.]
I've told them to be honest...and they have. From weekly crushes and relationships with their parents, to struggles (or joys) in their lives and their beliefs in God. I am amazed at how wise they are, and am in awe of their brutal honesty, their transparentness, their innocence, and their beautiful hearts.
Some have been through more in their first fifteen years of life than I will see in a lifetime. Some have experienced incredible tragedy, while others have lived full lives, complete with parents that are still married, food that comes readily on the table, and the "typical American family" household. Some are hurting, daily. While others are having the best time of their lives.
They are funny and sarcastic, truthful and, at times, lazy with their work, but they're real. They've written ridiculous stories they've made up and made a list of things they're thankful for. They've had to find quotes that sum up their lives, and research poetry that pulls the emotions from their heart. (and I am not naive to think that most of them pick the first quote/poem they can find, because to make effort requires work and work is not their thing.) This past six weeks they wrote a letter to themselves 10 years from now, and expressed things they'd like to change about high school.
In fact, it was that last topic that caught me off guard as I was reading their journals for this six weeks (in between DNOW/Amped events last weekend). Most talked about the cafeteria food, the rules, going through high school without the drama among their student body, starting later in the day, and being able to use their cell phones in class. But, there were a few - in fact almost 10 of my 60 kids - whose journals expressed a change that really broke my heart.
Their change? They'd like teachers that aren't selfish, and that truly care about them (even when they're being turds).
[Wow.]
They didn't mention names, but I felt a pierce in my heart anyway. I try really hard to be sweet to all of my students - even to the ones who try my patience. I try to make time for each of them, to listen when they want to talk about what's on their mind. And when their heartaches spill over to their faces, and they can't hide the pain of the day, I know they'd rather be anywhere except sitting in English class learning about how to answer open-ended TAKS questions. But there are days when I'd rather send them elsewhere. Their laziness, attitudes, and lack of kindness gets to my nerves and the rumor of "Ms. Hinkle being in a bad mood" begins to swirl about the hallway. Their journals admitted to the fact that they know they are annoying sometimes, that the kids from the class period before might have made us mad, and that they do realize that we have bad days (and that we're not perfect).
But, as they became vulnerable in the pages of their journals, I became convicted.
No, they weren't specifically talking about me, but I could easily put myself in the situations they'd experienced, knowing that there have been times where I didn't breathe love into their lives that day. Thankfully, they still love me, even when I'm (way) less than lovable.
I won't drag this out any longer than it needs to be, but I will say that their words reminded me of 2 things.
#1 - 1 Thess 5:16. "Be joyful always." I know we aren't commanded to be "happy" all the time, because that would be ridiculously impossible as we're human and sometimes the things of this world just squash our laughter. But, we are told to be joyful. That means that even in the midst of unhappy times, I can exude joy. And perhaps, find a reason within to smile :)
#2 - 1 John 3:11. "This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." We are commanded to love. And this goes hand in hand with 1 Corinthians 13. After all, love is supposed to be "patient and kind", and added in there somewhere is the part about "keeping no record of wrongs" (even with my kiddos). And, since love "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres," I should really work on doing the same.
After all, not only is my joy and love important for 60 teenagers at 100 Rebel Road, but it's important in being a child of Christ, and being that example everywhere I go.
So,....how's your heart and attitude with those in your life? Are you putting yourself (and your mood that day) first, or are you seeking out to show love to the people you come in contact with?
They've decorated the front and adorned the pages with their words. They write daily entries as well as ten topics per six weeks that are to be done on their own time. On the first day I told them that if there was ever anything in their journals that they didn't want me to read, then they could fold the page and I wouldn't read it. And I have kept my word. I was worried, at first, that my kiddos would turn down every page and try to sneak by the assignment, but I was proved wrong (and humbled) as I read page after page. While there were some who have chosen to ear-mark things they'd rather keep for their eyes only, as we're embarking on the 5th six weeks, it has been amazing to see that fewer of the pages are turned down.
[And how many of them are beginning to actually pour their hearts onto the pages.]
I've told them to be honest...and they have. From weekly crushes and relationships with their parents, to struggles (or joys) in their lives and their beliefs in God. I am amazed at how wise they are, and am in awe of their brutal honesty, their transparentness, their innocence, and their beautiful hearts.
Some have been through more in their first fifteen years of life than I will see in a lifetime. Some have experienced incredible tragedy, while others have lived full lives, complete with parents that are still married, food that comes readily on the table, and the "typical American family" household. Some are hurting, daily. While others are having the best time of their lives.
They are funny and sarcastic, truthful and, at times, lazy with their work, but they're real. They've written ridiculous stories they've made up and made a list of things they're thankful for. They've had to find quotes that sum up their lives, and research poetry that pulls the emotions from their heart. (and I am not naive to think that most of them pick the first quote/poem they can find, because to make effort requires work and work is not their thing.) This past six weeks they wrote a letter to themselves 10 years from now, and expressed things they'd like to change about high school.
In fact, it was that last topic that caught me off guard as I was reading their journals for this six weeks (in between DNOW/Amped events last weekend). Most talked about the cafeteria food, the rules, going through high school without the drama among their student body, starting later in the day, and being able to use their cell phones in class. But, there were a few - in fact almost 10 of my 60 kids - whose journals expressed a change that really broke my heart.
Their change? They'd like teachers that aren't selfish, and that truly care about them (even when they're being turds).
[Wow.]
They didn't mention names, but I felt a pierce in my heart anyway. I try really hard to be sweet to all of my students - even to the ones who try my patience. I try to make time for each of them, to listen when they want to talk about what's on their mind. And when their heartaches spill over to their faces, and they can't hide the pain of the day, I know they'd rather be anywhere except sitting in English class learning about how to answer open-ended TAKS questions. But there are days when I'd rather send them elsewhere. Their laziness, attitudes, and lack of kindness gets to my nerves and the rumor of "Ms. Hinkle being in a bad mood" begins to swirl about the hallway. Their journals admitted to the fact that they know they are annoying sometimes, that the kids from the class period before might have made us mad, and that they do realize that we have bad days (and that we're not perfect).
But, as they became vulnerable in the pages of their journals, I became convicted.
No, they weren't specifically talking about me, but I could easily put myself in the situations they'd experienced, knowing that there have been times where I didn't breathe love into their lives that day. Thankfully, they still love me, even when I'm (way) less than lovable.
I won't drag this out any longer than it needs to be, but I will say that their words reminded me of 2 things.
#1 - 1 Thess 5:16. "Be joyful always." I know we aren't commanded to be "happy" all the time, because that would be ridiculously impossible as we're human and sometimes the things of this world just squash our laughter. But, we are told to be joyful. That means that even in the midst of unhappy times, I can exude joy. And perhaps, find a reason within to smile :)
#2 - 1 John 3:11. "This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." We are commanded to love. And this goes hand in hand with 1 Corinthians 13. After all, love is supposed to be "patient and kind", and added in there somewhere is the part about "keeping no record of wrongs" (even with my kiddos). And, since love "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres," I should really work on doing the same.
After all, not only is my joy and love important for 60 teenagers at 100 Rebel Road, but it's important in being a child of Christ, and being that example everywhere I go.
So,....how's your heart and attitude with those in your life? Are you putting yourself (and your mood that day) first, or are you seeking out to show love to the people you come in contact with?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
He never lets go
I bet I’ve stared at this exact blank page over 1000 times since March. I keep opening it up thinking I have something to say, and then find myself clicking the little ‘x’ in the top corner without having written a word. And yet, here I sit again. And I’m not really sure I have anything to say now, either. As I looked back at the post previous to this one, I am taken aback because life is so different these days, and I am not the same girl that wrote that post. I do, however, remember her very well.
I remember faking my way through conversations, smiling and being joyous on the outside while my heart ached on the inside. Tears filled my days – and I remember feeling so…foolish. Foolish because I didn’t understand it, foolish because I couldn’t explain it, and foolish because I knew I was in the grip of my Savior’s hand – and yet I couldn’t grasp that. I couldn’t get that promise to go from my heart to my head; couldn’t get that to soak in (Seems so easy now, looking back on it). My life was so full – yet from my perspective, it was empty. I can remember thinking several times how much easier it would be to just turn the wheel of my car, and let it drift off the road. Anything would’ve been better than what I was experiencing, right? People didn’t understand. I didn’t understand. And I was tired. And escaping this world sounded so appealing.
And then one day I just gave up. In fact, it was right after I read the post I copied on my last entry. I had been reading this girl’s posts for a while – not every day but randomly when I’d decide to log in and check up on people I was “following” on my blog - and I just so happened to read hers on a day when, from the looks of her post, we were walking in the same shoes. Jenny from Addison Road told a story of how she was going through a valley. She related it to a time she got thrown off a raft while white water rafting and almost drowned. She made this comment:
“The instructor catches my eye. He is on the shoreline now. Someone is coming for you, he says. Look at me. Stop panicking. You have to breathe. Do what I tell you to do. Go under water when I count to three. When you come up, blow out and take a huge breath. 1. 2. 3. Go. Do it again. Someone’s coming. Go under... now….
I'm not even sure if the event was as perilous as I remember it or not. But I felt that it was. I felt that I was losing control. I felt myself fighting to breathe. To keep my head above water. To hold my breath. To listen to the voice of the guy on the side who kept telling me someone was coming for me. I knew I was fighting. To someone else, say a professional rafter or swimmer or professionally brave person, this may not have been a fight at all. But it wasn't them, it was me. And for me, it was a battle….The past year or two I have been fighting. And I know it. Maybe not anything too huge: I'm not fighting cancer or divorce or poverty or the complete destruction of my homeland. I'm just fighting the constant flow of water beating down on me. Little tiny blows that when taken one after another begin to threaten my endurance, wear down on my body, and try to steal my joy. ” [http://www.jennysimmons.com/]
I remember breaking out in tears, thinking “that’s me! that’s how I feel too!” For the first time I felt understood. To the outside world, my life was pretty close to perfect but for me, on the inside, it was a battle and I was drowning. Falling on my face before the Lord, I was honest for the first time in months. I told Him how I felt, what I thought, and I even mentioned the whole “it’d be easier if I could just drive off the road” part. He listened, like He always does, as I poured my heart at His feet.
I don’t really remember the transition from the bottom of the valley to the climb up the mountaintop, but I remember that I was suddenly able to breathe. I felt like this huge weight had been lifted, and while things didn’t immediately go from horrible to perfect in one moment, they did start to get better.
That walk through the valley hasn’t really crossed my mind much since then. I’ve been so focused on the incredible blessings in my life, that I haven’t forced time to think about what life was like back then. It was, after all, a horribly dark time in my life, a time that I can’t really explain or put into words. But the Lord reminded me of something yesterday, and my mind drifted back and I suddenly realized something I couldn’t bring myself to believe back then.
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand. [Psalm 37:23-24]
Oh, how sweet those words are. And so very true! God does delight in EVERY detail of our lives, and He directs our steps. Little did I realize that when I was crawling on my stomach through the valley so full of darkness and muck of this world, that my Savior was right beside me, with His hand in perfect grip with mine. And there was no way He was letting me go.
On the days I chose not to pray – He was holding my hand.
On the days I broke down, screaming and yelling at Him – He was holding my hand.
On the days I considered driving off the road– He was holding my hand.
On the day I laid my heart at His feet in sweet surrender – He was holding my hand.
He was there. He IS here.
Even in the valley. Even when we’re drowning.
And He’s always got us in the firm grip of His hand.
And He never [ever] lets go.
Monday, May 10, 2010
birthday reflections
In less than two hours I’ll be a day older than I am today. The unique thing about tomorrow, though, is that I’ll also be crossing over into 26. [geez.]
The past 364 days sure have passed quickly. It’s been a crazy year for sure. As tomorrow has been sneaking closer, I’ve been thinking about all that’s happened in the past year…the good and not-so-good, the happy moments and the moments where tears have fallen for days on end; moments of brokenness and ones of complete bliss. I’ve definitely experienced the deepest of valleys and the tip top of the mountain. All in all, though, it’s been a good year.
And so I decided to make a list…because I love lists…that reflects the past 364 days. Don’t worry, I won’t be listing that many things…but my goal is to list a few of the things/events/people/moments/etc that have made a mark in the last year. I know I will in NO WAY cover every person that has influenced me this year [or in my entire life] so I tried to simply include the "new" additions from this past year.
[in no particular order]
* Psalm 37:4 – Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. [this verse has always meant a lot to me, but it took the majority of the past year to learn what this meant and to live this out in every area and every day of my life]. It changed my perspective and my focus in life. Thank You Lord, for this promise.
* Family vacation to New York. This was one of my most favorite vacations with my family. It included lots of laughter and lots of tears, but overall it was memorable beyond what words can describe. I am so thankful for a family that loves me, supports me, prays for me, cares about me, trusts me,…for a family that lets me make my own mistakes, all the while advising me and praying me through each moment. I love y’all, so very much!
* Camp Fuego. [I know, you're not a new addition, but still.] Over the past 4 years, this has become my 2nd family. While I only get to see most of them once a year [for 2 weeks], I am so very thankful for their role in my life. Their support and guidance has carried me through much of this past year. They never once complained when I have called just because I needed a venue, a place to speak my mind, and ended a conversation without ever asking how they were doing. You know y’all rank [as a group of course] in the top 5 most important people in my life. I love you forever.
* Lane. You know there aren’t words, but I will attempt nonetheless. We’ve almost been friends for a year, and I am, first and foremost, thankful for our friendship. That has been the best part of this whole thing. I truly love being your friend. I am also thankful for your heart, your words, your compassion, your selflessness, and [most importantly] your love for the Lord. [I’m even thankful for your OCD and super planning self! (I wouldn't change any of that for anything, fyi)]. You have this uncanny way of making me smile [and laugh]. You are the best part of my days [besides Jesus of course] and I cannot imagine you not being in my world. You are absolutely incredible and such a blessing in my life. I think I’ll keep you! [pinky promise]
* Wendy. We’ve cried, and laughed. We’ve rejoiced and we’ve mourned, in many ways. We’ve covered every subject from fashion to boys, from our families to a little bit of English. You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and I am so thankful that the Lord placed you across the hall from me. Every step of this year, no matter how hard [or how joyous] has an imprint of you in it. I love our friendship, and I love you. :)
* Alicia and Caitlin. I have so enjoyed this past year with y’all. Alicia – crazy how a conversation in a hot, humid laundry room spurred on a wonderful friendship! I cannot imagine life without you in it. Caitlin – Serving with you in DG has blessed my soul in ways I cannot even explain. You are wise beyond your years and I [even though older] look up to you so very much! Girls, your personalities are contagious, and our conversations are absolutely refreshing. I cherish every moment we get together, even though they are few and far between. You girls mean the world to me and I am blessed to have you as my little sisters and 2 of my best friends.
* My lunch girls [and Tyler]. Sometimes I want to wring your necks, but I love y’all regardless. We’ve been through a lot this year. At some point or another, each one of us has experienced heartbreak and amazingly fabulous moments. We’ve failed, and we’ve succeeded. We’ve prayed together, laughed together…we’ve watched each other make mistakes, and make some of the greatest decisions of our lives [both good and not-so-much]. Regardless, we’ve stood beside each other through it all. I love you all, and I look forward to walking through your final year with you [except Ashley (and Tyler, you'll be gone)]. Room 304 will be waiting for you in August. :)
* Jeremiah 33:3 – Call unto Me and I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
* Ryan and Hunter. Watching my big brothers get engaged/married has been such a blessing! Y’all have taught me so much about what it means to be in a Godly relationship, and how important it is to not settle for less than what I deserve. In the past year, y’all have prayed for me, supported me [even in dumb/immature moments], advised me, and teased me like only brothers can do. Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough. I have so enjoyed getting to see y'all pursue the loves of your lives and have watched as the Lord has orchestrated each moment, changing and adding qualities needed to perfect you for your forever. Thank you, for letting me be apart of those moments. I love you both!
* Jeremiah 29:13 –you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.
* My 9th/10th grade girls. We’ve been together since October, and I cherish every moment we get together. It has been such a blessing watching y’all grow and mature this year. I am so proud of the young women you are becoming and I pray that you continue to let the Lord guide you in EVERY area of your life. Remember, a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. So seek Him, and fear Him, and put all your hope in Him. Delight in Him …He will give you the desires of your heart. Trust me! Love yall!
*Grady/Robin/Tye/Tobi/Tom/Traci. It has been amazing getting to know yall this year. I can't even explain what a blessing it has been to be apart of your lives. I have enjoyed every moment we've had. Not only have yall been wonderful friends, but your marriages have been amazing examples for me to watch. Thank you, for letting me be a fly on the wall in that area of your life. Thank you for the support, prayers, and love [and kleenexes when needed] you've given. I am thankful to be able to call y'all friends. love you!
* Brittani/Cody. Your marriage is impeccable. Every moment spent with y’all leave me encouraged. I pray my marriage is a lot like what you have. [and be prepared because I’ll probably be calling you during the first year]. Thanks for being great friends! I love you both!
* Proverbs 31:30. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised!
* Jenny – you have walked me through heartbreak and so many tears this year. You’ve listened as I cried and we’ve rejoiced in the welcoming of your new bundle growing inside of you! Our friendship has been amazing and I am so thankful that it stands strong even though miles apart. My favorite part, perhaps, is knowing that I can call you at any moment and you'll be ready with the exact words of wisdom I needed for that moment. Thank you for that. I love you!
*Amber - It has been a blessing this past year picking up our friendship. Crazy how it felt like we never skipped a beat! I am so thankful for your kind words, encouragement, honesty talks [when you'd had to tell me to stop being ridiculous], and love. Our friendship makes me smile. I love you.
* Sand volleyball. This event not only brought me closer to a great group of people, but it sparked a determination in weight loss like never before. After a summer of eating healthy and working out by doing something fun, 50 lbs no longer exists on my body. Thank you, volleyball crew, for making me play, for putting up with the fact that I’m horrible for the first hour [and not much better after that], and for being so much fun to be around!
* Carrie, Susie, and Sherry. We’ve only been chatting for a few months, but y’all have been such a pivotal part of the last year for me. I’m not even sure how daily visits started, but I am so thankful they did. Your advice, laughter, and the fact that you let me interrupt your days have had more impact on me than you will ever know. Thanks for letting me hide out every day.
I'm sure there are other new additions and life moments that I've skipped. I've been working on this for a few hours now [and keep having to change the first sentence as time has passed], and exhaustion has taken over. I am thankful for each one of you, for your role in my life. I tried to cover the new additions since last year, so please do not think you were overlooked. Thank you, for loving me - even when I fail to love you back sometimes. the Lord has definitely blessed me in the area of friendships in life - and I know that I would not be who I am today without all of you! And to the people above, the "new" in my life. Welcome... :) and thank you for putting up with me, and for loving me despite my flaws. I look forward to more moments with you [all of you]. love you all!
The past 364 days sure have passed quickly. It’s been a crazy year for sure. As tomorrow has been sneaking closer, I’ve been thinking about all that’s happened in the past year…the good and not-so-good, the happy moments and the moments where tears have fallen for days on end; moments of brokenness and ones of complete bliss. I’ve definitely experienced the deepest of valleys and the tip top of the mountain. All in all, though, it’s been a good year.
And so I decided to make a list…because I love lists…that reflects the past 364 days. Don’t worry, I won’t be listing that many things…but my goal is to list a few of the things/events/people/moments/etc that have made a mark in the last year. I know I will in NO WAY cover every person that has influenced me this year [or in my entire life] so I tried to simply include the "new" additions from this past year.
[in no particular order]
* Psalm 37:4 – Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. [this verse has always meant a lot to me, but it took the majority of the past year to learn what this meant and to live this out in every area and every day of my life]. It changed my perspective and my focus in life. Thank You Lord, for this promise.
* Family vacation to New York. This was one of my most favorite vacations with my family. It included lots of laughter and lots of tears, but overall it was memorable beyond what words can describe. I am so thankful for a family that loves me, supports me, prays for me, cares about me, trusts me,…for a family that lets me make my own mistakes, all the while advising me and praying me through each moment. I love y’all, so very much!
* Camp Fuego. [I know, you're not a new addition, but still.] Over the past 4 years, this has become my 2nd family. While I only get to see most of them once a year [for 2 weeks], I am so very thankful for their role in my life. Their support and guidance has carried me through much of this past year. They never once complained when I have called just because I needed a venue, a place to speak my mind, and ended a conversation without ever asking how they were doing. You know y’all rank [as a group of course] in the top 5 most important people in my life. I love you forever.
* Lane. You know there aren’t words, but I will attempt nonetheless. We’ve almost been friends for a year, and I am, first and foremost, thankful for our friendship. That has been the best part of this whole thing. I truly love being your friend. I am also thankful for your heart, your words, your compassion, your selflessness, and [most importantly] your love for the Lord. [I’m even thankful for your OCD and super planning self! (I wouldn't change any of that for anything, fyi)]. You have this uncanny way of making me smile [and laugh]. You are the best part of my days [besides Jesus of course] and I cannot imagine you not being in my world. You are absolutely incredible and such a blessing in my life. I think I’ll keep you! [pinky promise]
* Wendy. We’ve cried, and laughed. We’ve rejoiced and we’ve mourned, in many ways. We’ve covered every subject from fashion to boys, from our families to a little bit of English. You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and I am so thankful that the Lord placed you across the hall from me. Every step of this year, no matter how hard [or how joyous] has an imprint of you in it. I love our friendship, and I love you. :)
* Alicia and Caitlin. I have so enjoyed this past year with y’all. Alicia – crazy how a conversation in a hot, humid laundry room spurred on a wonderful friendship! I cannot imagine life without you in it. Caitlin – Serving with you in DG has blessed my soul in ways I cannot even explain. You are wise beyond your years and I [even though older] look up to you so very much! Girls, your personalities are contagious, and our conversations are absolutely refreshing. I cherish every moment we get together, even though they are few and far between. You girls mean the world to me and I am blessed to have you as my little sisters and 2 of my best friends.
* My lunch girls [and Tyler]. Sometimes I want to wring your necks, but I love y’all regardless. We’ve been through a lot this year. At some point or another, each one of us has experienced heartbreak and amazingly fabulous moments. We’ve failed, and we’ve succeeded. We’ve prayed together, laughed together…we’ve watched each other make mistakes, and make some of the greatest decisions of our lives [both good and not-so-much]. Regardless, we’ve stood beside each other through it all. I love you all, and I look forward to walking through your final year with you [except Ashley (and Tyler, you'll be gone)]. Room 304 will be waiting for you in August. :)
* Jeremiah 33:3 – Call unto Me and I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
* Ryan and Hunter. Watching my big brothers get engaged/married has been such a blessing! Y’all have taught me so much about what it means to be in a Godly relationship, and how important it is to not settle for less than what I deserve. In the past year, y’all have prayed for me, supported me [even in dumb/immature moments], advised me, and teased me like only brothers can do. Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough. I have so enjoyed getting to see y'all pursue the loves of your lives and have watched as the Lord has orchestrated each moment, changing and adding qualities needed to perfect you for your forever. Thank you, for letting me be apart of those moments. I love you both!
* Jeremiah 29:13 –you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.
* My 9th/10th grade girls. We’ve been together since October, and I cherish every moment we get together. It has been such a blessing watching y’all grow and mature this year. I am so proud of the young women you are becoming and I pray that you continue to let the Lord guide you in EVERY area of your life. Remember, a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. So seek Him, and fear Him, and put all your hope in Him. Delight in Him …He will give you the desires of your heart. Trust me! Love yall!
*Grady/Robin/Tye/Tobi/Tom/Traci. It has been amazing getting to know yall this year. I can't even explain what a blessing it has been to be apart of your lives. I have enjoyed every moment we've had. Not only have yall been wonderful friends, but your marriages have been amazing examples for me to watch. Thank you, for letting me be a fly on the wall in that area of your life. Thank you for the support, prayers, and love [and kleenexes when needed] you've given. I am thankful to be able to call y'all friends. love you!
* Brittani/Cody. Your marriage is impeccable. Every moment spent with y’all leave me encouraged. I pray my marriage is a lot like what you have. [and be prepared because I’ll probably be calling you during the first year]. Thanks for being great friends! I love you both!
* Proverbs 31:30. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised!
* Jenny – you have walked me through heartbreak and so many tears this year. You’ve listened as I cried and we’ve rejoiced in the welcoming of your new bundle growing inside of you! Our friendship has been amazing and I am so thankful that it stands strong even though miles apart. My favorite part, perhaps, is knowing that I can call you at any moment and you'll be ready with the exact words of wisdom I needed for that moment. Thank you for that. I love you!
*Amber - It has been a blessing this past year picking up our friendship. Crazy how it felt like we never skipped a beat! I am so thankful for your kind words, encouragement, honesty talks [when you'd had to tell me to stop being ridiculous], and love. Our friendship makes me smile. I love you.
* Sand volleyball. This event not only brought me closer to a great group of people, but it sparked a determination in weight loss like never before. After a summer of eating healthy and working out by doing something fun, 50 lbs no longer exists on my body. Thank you, volleyball crew, for making me play, for putting up with the fact that I’m horrible for the first hour [and not much better after that], and for being so much fun to be around!
* Carrie, Susie, and Sherry. We’ve only been chatting for a few months, but y’all have been such a pivotal part of the last year for me. I’m not even sure how daily visits started, but I am so thankful they did. Your advice, laughter, and the fact that you let me interrupt your days have had more impact on me than you will ever know. Thanks for letting me hide out every day.
I'm sure there are other new additions and life moments that I've skipped. I've been working on this for a few hours now [and keep having to change the first sentence as time has passed], and exhaustion has taken over. I am thankful for each one of you, for your role in my life. I tried to cover the new additions since last year, so please do not think you were overlooked. Thank you, for loving me - even when I fail to love you back sometimes. the Lord has definitely blessed me in the area of friendships in life - and I know that I would not be who I am today without all of you! And to the people above, the "new" in my life. Welcome... :) and thank you for putting up with me, and for loving me despite my flaws. I look forward to more moments with you [all of you]. love you all!
Monday, March 8, 2010
stop panicking. and breathe. someone's coming.
I’ve been trying for quite some time – several months to be exact – to put into words exactly what’s been going on in my life. But words fail, because I have absolutely no idea how to explain my heart to you, which is a new feeling for me. Normally I can spout out words like it’s nothing…lately though, I’m lacking in that department. I wish you could just step into my shoes for a day or so, experience my feelings, thoughts, emotions, …experience the turmoil my soul is going through.
And so I cry. A lot. It’s stupid, really. Because when I look at my life, there is so much to be thankful for …and I know this, but lately it’s been really hard to see that. I’ve spent the majority of the past six months on my knees, begging for that light at the end of the tunnel, that curve in the road where the valley fades as the climb back up the mountain begins.
But it hasn’t come yet. And so I keep waiting. And I keep trying to find the words to explain it to people when they ask…but the words never come. And so I guess that God …in His crazy and intricate way…has chosen to keep me silent through this time and instead to use someone else’s words to get the point across. It’s funny how someone you don’t even know – have never even met – somehow takes your heart and places it perfectly on paper…[it’s long, but keep reading…]
The author is explaining how she’s almost died 3 times in her life [and told some pretty outrageous stories. Ha]. I’ll start as she’s explaining her 3rd almost encounter with death…
“Third time was white water rafting. And this time was a bit scarier. A bit more real. I was scared long before we ever started. I picked the raft with the biggest guys in the youth group because i reasoned that this would keep me safe and eliminate the chances of flipping over because of the extra weight. My friend Tim was on this raft. I trusted Tim because he was an Eagle Scout and lived at a Boy Scout Camp with his family and he was a trainer for the football team. To me, these all seemed like good qualifications for aptitude on the rafting course. A guy named Cody, a big ole' football player, was in the boat. One of my high school boyfriends, Jon, was on the boat and your high school boyfriends always protect you, right? :)
I am forgetting who all was in the raft, but it didn't matter, because we weren't in very long. We were going down the Ocea River. The place we let into the river was right where the dam opened up and was part of the Summer Olympic course the year prior. The most important thing they said was to make sure we paddled the right way at the very beginning because you would either hit a level two rapid on the left or a really difficult level four rapid on the right. And the level four rapid was not really meant for puny high school kids from the city like us. That was a part of the Olympic course.
I'm not sure what happened because it happened so fast, but I remember seeing my friend Tim hit his head on a rock and get pulled downstream. My instructor was yelling instructions and that was when Jon disappeared. I think Elizabeth was in the boat and she disappeared. Cody was gone. And I saw my paddles swept away and I vividly remember the rush of the water over my head. I was pinned in between two rocks now, still in the raft, and I couldn't catch my breath because the water kept coming and coming. It pounded down on me and rushed over my head. It was so strong. It was beating me. I knew it was beating me.
I'm drowning. I'm drowning.
Oh my God I'm drowning.
The instructor catches my eye. He is on the shoreline now. Someone is coming for you, he says. Look at me. Stop panicking. You have to breathe. Do what I tell you to do. Go under water when I count to three. When you come up, blow out and take a huge breath.
1. 2. 3. Go
Do it again. Someones coming. Go under... now.
By that point there are all kinds of people on the side of the river and I am having this out of body experience. It was so slow. So long. So labor intensive. Every single breath was a conscious decision. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Focus. Keep your mouth closed. Close your eyes. Breathe.
I'm not sure how long this went on. But eventually another raft came by and they pulled me from the two rocks that had me pinned and pulled me into their boat. Once we regrouped I learned that Tim was bleeding out of his head and had a concussion. The other guys were cut and banged up. But we were all OK. I was too scared to cry. I was just in shock.
I will always remember those moments because that is, I assume, what it feels like to fight for something.
I'm not even sure if the event was as perilous as I remember it or not. But I felt that it was. I felt that I was losing control. I felt myself fighting to breathe. To keep my head above water. To hold my breath. To listen to the voice of the guy on the side who kept telling me someone was coming for me. I knew I was fighting. To someone else, say a professional rafter or swimmer or professionally brave person, this may not have been a fight at all. But it wasn't them, it was me. And for me, it was a battle.
The past year or two I have been fighting. And I know it.
Maybe not anything too huge: I'm not fighting cancer or divorce or poverty or the complete destruction of my homeland.
I'm just fighting the constant flow of water beating down on me. Little tiny blows that when taken one after another begin to threaten my endurance, wear down on my body, and try to steal my joy.
This past week was one such week. Taken separately, even with just a week or so in between, it might have been more manageable. But taking it all together reminded me of being in that river, coaching myself through one breath after another.
[then she explains what’s been going on in her life…]
I hear that voice from the side of the river. You cannot panic. You have to breathe. Someone is coming for you. Breath Jenny. Someone is coming for you. I am coming. Do what I tell you to do. Take another breath.
Take another breath. Focus on Me. Nothing else. No one else. Go under. Come back up. Breath. Do it again. Keep going.
So maybe you are tired of hearing about the blows over the last year or so. The shingles and illnesses, the emergency surgeries, the unpaid bills, the stolen van, the family that moved all over the country before Annie was born, the stolen van and gear again, the wrecked van, the exhaustion, the doubt, the year that the line "till death do us part" became a command and not just a romantic simplicity, the little tiny blows that seem to keep coming and coming...
Maybe you are tired of hearing about them...
Well, I am tired of living them. Blow by blow living is not my desired mode of operation.
But I am not joyless. I am not depleted. I am not finished. I am not raising the flag of defeat nor am I trumpeting my tiny blows as a badge of pride. I have yet to crawl into a hole somewhere with my ice cream and ipod and not come out. I am just fighting.
And in the midst of the fight (which everyone faces, big or small) I am breathing. I am listening to that clear, strong voice that tells me someone is coming. And I believe it. And I am actually quite happy to fight.
Someone has come. I am not alone….
The Lord leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for You are with me.
It doesn't say how long that valley will last. It just says a valley. So my apologies to anyone who is annoyed at the length of my current valley. So am I!
I am not dying. My life is nowhere near as hard as a lot of people's. But that doesn't mean the blows aren't nothing. To me, they are. Your blows are hard for you too, no matter what shape, form, or size they come in. But they are not what define us.
Because there is a guide on the side of the river saying that someone is coming.
And while we are waiting on that someone, we see such perfect glimpses of love and beauty. We take breaths we didn't think we could take. We find hidden strength that fights hard on our behalf. We see faithfulness. We see miracles. Promises. We see redemption weaved into our stories.
And we are not just in a valley...
We are experiencing the beautiful mountain peaks at the same time. Those moments of grace. So technically we are living in the in between. Neither valley. Nor mountain.
We are living in a valleymount. A valtain. A movalley.
And we hope for the disease to be cured and for the parents to fall in love again and for the baby's illness to have a name and have an answer and for the jobs to come back and for the lost daughter to come home to her mother who longs to see her and we keep breathing and we keep living and loving and we keep at it...
Our stories are the stories of redemption. We are never just in a valley.
And that's enough to help me fight another day...”
So that's where I am. In that moment between drowning and bobbing up and down, gasping for breath as I wait for Someone to come. and I trust that God knows what He's doing. And He understands that I'm getting tired. but ...He understands.
And to quote Jenny Simmons [Addison Road]:
"And that's enough to help me fight another day..."
And so I cry. A lot. It’s stupid, really. Because when I look at my life, there is so much to be thankful for …and I know this, but lately it’s been really hard to see that. I’ve spent the majority of the past six months on my knees, begging for that light at the end of the tunnel, that curve in the road where the valley fades as the climb back up the mountain begins.
But it hasn’t come yet. And so I keep waiting. And I keep trying to find the words to explain it to people when they ask…but the words never come. And so I guess that God …in His crazy and intricate way…has chosen to keep me silent through this time and instead to use someone else’s words to get the point across. It’s funny how someone you don’t even know – have never even met – somehow takes your heart and places it perfectly on paper…[it’s long, but keep reading…]
The author is explaining how she’s almost died 3 times in her life [and told some pretty outrageous stories. Ha]. I’ll start as she’s explaining her 3rd almost encounter with death…
“Third time was white water rafting. And this time was a bit scarier. A bit more real. I was scared long before we ever started. I picked the raft with the biggest guys in the youth group because i reasoned that this would keep me safe and eliminate the chances of flipping over because of the extra weight. My friend Tim was on this raft. I trusted Tim because he was an Eagle Scout and lived at a Boy Scout Camp with his family and he was a trainer for the football team. To me, these all seemed like good qualifications for aptitude on the rafting course. A guy named Cody, a big ole' football player, was in the boat. One of my high school boyfriends, Jon, was on the boat and your high school boyfriends always protect you, right? :)
I am forgetting who all was in the raft, but it didn't matter, because we weren't in very long. We were going down the Ocea River. The place we let into the river was right where the dam opened up and was part of the Summer Olympic course the year prior. The most important thing they said was to make sure we paddled the right way at the very beginning because you would either hit a level two rapid on the left or a really difficult level four rapid on the right. And the level four rapid was not really meant for puny high school kids from the city like us. That was a part of the Olympic course.
I'm not sure what happened because it happened so fast, but I remember seeing my friend Tim hit his head on a rock and get pulled downstream. My instructor was yelling instructions and that was when Jon disappeared. I think Elizabeth was in the boat and she disappeared. Cody was gone. And I saw my paddles swept away and I vividly remember the rush of the water over my head. I was pinned in between two rocks now, still in the raft, and I couldn't catch my breath because the water kept coming and coming. It pounded down on me and rushed over my head. It was so strong. It was beating me. I knew it was beating me.
I'm drowning. I'm drowning.
Oh my God I'm drowning.
The instructor catches my eye. He is on the shoreline now. Someone is coming for you, he says. Look at me. Stop panicking. You have to breathe. Do what I tell you to do. Go under water when I count to three. When you come up, blow out and take a huge breath.
1. 2. 3. Go
Do it again. Someones coming. Go under... now.
By that point there are all kinds of people on the side of the river and I am having this out of body experience. It was so slow. So long. So labor intensive. Every single breath was a conscious decision. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Focus. Keep your mouth closed. Close your eyes. Breathe.
I'm not sure how long this went on. But eventually another raft came by and they pulled me from the two rocks that had me pinned and pulled me into their boat. Once we regrouped I learned that Tim was bleeding out of his head and had a concussion. The other guys were cut and banged up. But we were all OK. I was too scared to cry. I was just in shock.
I will always remember those moments because that is, I assume, what it feels like to fight for something.
I'm not even sure if the event was as perilous as I remember it or not. But I felt that it was. I felt that I was losing control. I felt myself fighting to breathe. To keep my head above water. To hold my breath. To listen to the voice of the guy on the side who kept telling me someone was coming for me. I knew I was fighting. To someone else, say a professional rafter or swimmer or professionally brave person, this may not have been a fight at all. But it wasn't them, it was me. And for me, it was a battle.
The past year or two I have been fighting. And I know it.
Maybe not anything too huge: I'm not fighting cancer or divorce or poverty or the complete destruction of my homeland.
I'm just fighting the constant flow of water beating down on me. Little tiny blows that when taken one after another begin to threaten my endurance, wear down on my body, and try to steal my joy.
This past week was one such week. Taken separately, even with just a week or so in between, it might have been more manageable. But taking it all together reminded me of being in that river, coaching myself through one breath after another.
[then she explains what’s been going on in her life…]
I hear that voice from the side of the river. You cannot panic. You have to breathe. Someone is coming for you. Breath Jenny. Someone is coming for you. I am coming. Do what I tell you to do. Take another breath.
Take another breath. Focus on Me. Nothing else. No one else. Go under. Come back up. Breath. Do it again. Keep going.
So maybe you are tired of hearing about the blows over the last year or so. The shingles and illnesses, the emergency surgeries, the unpaid bills, the stolen van, the family that moved all over the country before Annie was born, the stolen van and gear again, the wrecked van, the exhaustion, the doubt, the year that the line "till death do us part" became a command and not just a romantic simplicity, the little tiny blows that seem to keep coming and coming...
Maybe you are tired of hearing about them...
Well, I am tired of living them. Blow by blow living is not my desired mode of operation.
But I am not joyless. I am not depleted. I am not finished. I am not raising the flag of defeat nor am I trumpeting my tiny blows as a badge of pride. I have yet to crawl into a hole somewhere with my ice cream and ipod and not come out. I am just fighting.
And in the midst of the fight (which everyone faces, big or small) I am breathing. I am listening to that clear, strong voice that tells me someone is coming. And I believe it. And I am actually quite happy to fight.
Someone has come. I am not alone….
The Lord leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for You are with me.
It doesn't say how long that valley will last. It just says a valley. So my apologies to anyone who is annoyed at the length of my current valley. So am I!
I am not dying. My life is nowhere near as hard as a lot of people's. But that doesn't mean the blows aren't nothing. To me, they are. Your blows are hard for you too, no matter what shape, form, or size they come in. But they are not what define us.
Because there is a guide on the side of the river saying that someone is coming.
And while we are waiting on that someone, we see such perfect glimpses of love and beauty. We take breaths we didn't think we could take. We find hidden strength that fights hard on our behalf. We see faithfulness. We see miracles. Promises. We see redemption weaved into our stories.
And we are not just in a valley...
We are experiencing the beautiful mountain peaks at the same time. Those moments of grace. So technically we are living in the in between. Neither valley. Nor mountain.
We are living in a valleymount. A valtain. A movalley.
And we hope for the disease to be cured and for the parents to fall in love again and for the baby's illness to have a name and have an answer and for the jobs to come back and for the lost daughter to come home to her mother who longs to see her and we keep breathing and we keep living and loving and we keep at it...
Our stories are the stories of redemption. We are never just in a valley.
And that's enough to help me fight another day...”
So that's where I am. In that moment between drowning and bobbing up and down, gasping for breath as I wait for Someone to come. and I trust that God knows what He's doing. And He understands that I'm getting tired. but ...He understands.
And to quote Jenny Simmons [Addison Road]:
"And that's enough to help me fight another day..."
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
bucket list
*bolded statements means they've already been completed.
[written in 2005. it's long. i know. haha.]
1. write a book.
2. go to Australia and Niagra Falls. and New Zealand.
3. Pay off school loans.
4. Live outside of Texas.
5. Go skydiving.
6. be published in a magazine. [sort of. 2010. Charm mag, book review]
7. become an organ donor.
8. road trip with friends. (done this several times)
9. go skiing.
10. fall completely and deepling in love with Jesus. (summer 2006)
11. have a secret admirer.
12. work with youth girls in a church somewhere.
13. impact someone's life. [according to Parker, this has happened.]
14. receive flowers - just because
15. get a perfect score on a test.
16. go to Europe.
17. have a surprise party.
18. graduate from college [december 2006, bachelor of arts in human relations]
19. sit on the front row at a professional sporting event.
20. have a star named after me.
21. ride in a hot air balloon.
22. work for a magazine.
23. get my teeth bleached. [2008]
24. catch a fish (haven't done this since I was like 12).
25. learn and understand the major religions of the world.
26. attend a Women of Faith conference.
27. live in a loft, above a city.
28. read through and understand the history of the bible.
29. go to every state (alabama, arizona, arkansas, california, colorado, connecticut, florida, hawaii, illinois, kentucky, louisiana, massachusetts, mississippi, missouri, new mexico, new york, oklahoma, pennsylvania, south carolina, tennessee, texas).
30. fall in love.
31. learn 300 bible verses.
32. write a song.
33. adopt a child. [if Compassion International counts then I've done this!]
34. learn to play guitar.
35. travel to a foreign country to do missions.
36. own a Van Gogh painting.
37. complete a 1000 piece puzzle.
38. understand all the ins and outs of baseball. [well, i know some of them :) ]
39. have a stable quiet time [started in june 2007]
40. jump off a bridge
41. take a photography class
42. design something.
43. meet my Aunt Sandra.
44. turn my cell phone off for a week. [2006]
45. meet a celebrity.
46. have breakfast in bed.
47. go on a scavenger hunt. [dnow 2010]
48. see the northern lights.
50. learn to drive a standard vehicle.
51. see a full rainbow [Camp Fuego, 2007]
52. learn to play the piano
53. be kissed in the rain
54. go to New York [summer 2009]
55. see a Broadway Show.
56. Ride in a helicopter
57. send a message in a bottle
58. sleep under the stars.
59. learn to juggle.
60. feed the homeless [spring break 2006]
61. break a world record.
62. watch my sisters graduate from high school/college [Jessica - May 2006. Bri - May 2010]
63. learn sign language
64. witness a child come to Christ [summer 2006, Camp Newton; Camp Fuego]
65. meet my husband.
66. speak at a girls conference. [Fusion Girls Retreat, FBC Texarkana, 2010]
67. go to graduate school.
68. become a better prayer warrior.
69. be a part of a picket line. for a good cause.
70. witness a cure of cancer.
71. sing in front of people.
72. get over my fear of the dark.
73. find something important in my life to save and give to my kids.
74. attend a major sporting event: Super Bowl, Olympics, World Series, MLB Opening Day, NBA Championship game
75. have kids.
76. plant a tree.
77. learn how to take a compliment.
78. sit on a jury.
79. teach someone illiterate how to read.
80. swim with dolphins.
81. give to a charity
82. visit the Holy Land.
83. run to the top of the statue of liberty.
84. run a marathon.
85. catch a ball at a baseball game.
86. make a hole-in-one.
87. fly first class.
88. own every version of monopoly. (i don't even like to play the game. haha)
89. take an art class.
90. devote my life to things higher than myself. selflessness.
91. visit the 7 wonders of the world.
92. plant a garden [and see it grow/flourish]
93. work for a greeting card company (or just design one for them one time).
94. become someone's mentor.
95. experience a really incredible surprise.
96. movie day [back to back to back movies at a theatre]
97. go on a surprise date. [march 2011. anniversary date with Lane]
98. experience laughter every day.
...list to be continued.
[written in 2005. it's long. i know. haha.]
1. write a book.
2. go to Australia and Niagra Falls. and New Zealand.
3. Pay off school loans.
4. Live outside of Texas.
5. Go skydiving.
6. be published in a magazine. [sort of. 2010. Charm mag, book review]
7. become an organ donor.
8. road trip with friends. (done this several times)
9. go skiing.
10. fall completely and deepling in love with Jesus. (summer 2006)
11. have a secret admirer.
12. work with youth girls in a church somewhere.
13. impact someone's life. [according to Parker, this has happened.]
14. receive flowers - just because
15. get a perfect score on a test.
16. go to Europe.
17. have a surprise party.
18. graduate from college [december 2006, bachelor of arts in human relations]
19. sit on the front row at a professional sporting event.
20. have a star named after me.
21. ride in a hot air balloon.
22. work for a magazine.
23. get my teeth bleached. [2008]
24. catch a fish (haven't done this since I was like 12).
25. learn and understand the major religions of the world.
26. attend a Women of Faith conference.
27. live in a loft, above a city.
28. read through and understand the history of the bible.
29. go to every state (alabama, arizona, arkansas, california, colorado, connecticut, florida, hawaii, illinois, kentucky, louisiana, massachusetts, mississippi, missouri, new mexico, new york, oklahoma, pennsylvania, south carolina, tennessee, texas).
30. fall in love.
31. learn 300 bible verses.
32. write a song.
33. adopt a child. [if Compassion International counts then I've done this!]
34. learn to play guitar.
35. travel to a foreign country to do missions.
36. own a Van Gogh painting.
37. complete a 1000 piece puzzle.
38. understand all the ins and outs of baseball. [well, i know some of them :) ]
39. have a stable quiet time [started in june 2007]
40. jump off a bridge
41. take a photography class
42. design something.
43. meet my Aunt Sandra.
44. turn my cell phone off for a week. [2006]
45. meet a celebrity.
46. have breakfast in bed.
47. go on a scavenger hunt. [dnow 2010]
48. see the northern lights.
50. learn to drive a standard vehicle.
51. see a full rainbow [Camp Fuego, 2007]
52. learn to play the piano
53. be kissed in the rain
54. go to New York [summer 2009]
55. see a Broadway Show.
56. Ride in a helicopter
57. send a message in a bottle
58. sleep under the stars.
59. learn to juggle.
60. feed the homeless [spring break 2006]
61. break a world record.
62. watch my sisters graduate from high school/college [Jessica - May 2006. Bri - May 2010]
63. learn sign language
64. witness a child come to Christ [summer 2006, Camp Newton; Camp Fuego]
65. meet my husband.
66. speak at a girls conference. [Fusion Girls Retreat, FBC Texarkana, 2010]
67. go to graduate school.
68. become a better prayer warrior.
69. be a part of a picket line. for a good cause.
70. witness a cure of cancer.
71. sing in front of people.
72. get over my fear of the dark.
73. find something important in my life to save and give to my kids.
74. attend a major sporting event: Super Bowl, Olympics, World Series, MLB Opening Day, NBA Championship game
75. have kids.
76. plant a tree.
77. learn how to take a compliment.
78. sit on a jury.
79. teach someone illiterate how to read.
80. swim with dolphins.
81. give to a charity
82. visit the Holy Land.
83. run to the top of the statue of liberty.
84. run a marathon.
85. catch a ball at a baseball game.
86. make a hole-in-one.
87. fly first class.
88. own every version of monopoly. (i don't even like to play the game. haha)
89. take an art class.
90. devote my life to things higher than myself. selflessness.
91. visit the 7 wonders of the world.
92. plant a garden [and see it grow/flourish]
93. work for a greeting card company (or just design one for them one time).
94. become someone's mentor.
95. experience a really incredible surprise.
96. movie day [back to back to back movies at a theatre]
97. go on a surprise date. [march 2011. anniversary date with Lane]
98. experience laughter every day.
...list to be continued.
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