My kids have these journals...
They've decorated the front and adorned the pages with their words. They write daily entries as well as ten topics per six weeks that are to be done on their own time. On the first day I told them that if there was ever anything in their journals that they didn't want me to read, then they could fold the page and I wouldn't read it. And I have kept my word. I was worried, at first, that my kiddos would turn down every page and try to sneak by the assignment, but I was proved wrong (and humbled) as I read page after page. While there were some who have chosen to ear-mark things they'd rather keep for their eyes only, as we're embarking on the 5th six weeks, it has been amazing to see that fewer of the pages are turned down.
[And how many of them are beginning to actually pour their hearts onto the pages.]
I've told them to be honest...and they have. From weekly crushes and relationships with their parents, to struggles (or joys) in their lives and their beliefs in God. I am amazed at how wise they are, and am in awe of their brutal honesty, their transparentness, their innocence, and their beautiful hearts.
Some have been through more in their first fifteen years of life than I will see in a lifetime. Some have experienced incredible tragedy, while others have lived full lives, complete with parents that are still married, food that comes readily on the table, and the "typical American family" household. Some are hurting, daily. While others are having the best time of their lives.
They are funny and sarcastic, truthful and, at times, lazy with their work, but they're real. They've written ridiculous stories they've made up and made a list of things they're thankful for. They've had to find quotes that sum up their lives, and research poetry that pulls the emotions from their heart. (and I am not naive to think that most of them pick the first quote/poem they can find, because to make effort requires work and work is not their thing.) This past six weeks they wrote a letter to themselves 10 years from now, and expressed things they'd like to change about high school.
In fact, it was that last topic that caught me off guard as I was reading their journals for this six weeks (in between DNOW/Amped events last weekend). Most talked about the cafeteria food, the rules, going through high school without the drama among their student body, starting later in the day, and being able to use their cell phones in class. But, there were a few - in fact almost 10 of my 60 kids - whose journals expressed a change that really broke my heart.
Their change? They'd like teachers that aren't selfish, and that truly care about them (even when they're being turds).
[Wow.]
They didn't mention names, but I felt a pierce in my heart anyway. I try really hard to be sweet to all of my students - even to the ones who try my patience. I try to make time for each of them, to listen when they want to talk about what's on their mind. And when their heartaches spill over to their faces, and they can't hide the pain of the day, I know they'd rather be anywhere except sitting in English class learning about how to answer open-ended TAKS questions. But there are days when I'd rather send them elsewhere. Their laziness, attitudes, and lack of kindness gets to my nerves and the rumor of "Ms. Hinkle being in a bad mood" begins to swirl about the hallway. Their journals admitted to the fact that they know they are annoying sometimes, that the kids from the class period before might have made us mad, and that they do realize that we have bad days (and that we're not perfect).
But, as they became vulnerable in the pages of their journals, I became convicted.
No, they weren't specifically talking about me, but I could easily put myself in the situations they'd experienced, knowing that there have been times where I didn't breathe love into their lives that day. Thankfully, they still love me, even when I'm (way) less than lovable.
I won't drag this out any longer than it needs to be, but I will say that their words reminded me of 2 things.
#1 - 1 Thess 5:16. "Be joyful always." I know we aren't commanded to be "happy" all the time, because that would be ridiculously impossible as we're human and sometimes the things of this world just squash our laughter. But, we are told to be joyful. That means that even in the midst of unhappy times, I can exude joy. And perhaps, find a reason within to smile :)
#2 - 1 John 3:11. "This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." We are commanded to love. And this goes hand in hand with 1 Corinthians 13. After all, love is supposed to be "patient and kind", and added in there somewhere is the part about "keeping no record of wrongs" (even with my kiddos). And, since love "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres," I should really work on doing the same.
After all, not only is my joy and love important for 60 teenagers at 100 Rebel Road, but it's important in being a child of Christ, and being that example everywhere I go.
So,....how's your heart and attitude with those in your life? Are you putting yourself (and your mood that day) first, or are you seeking out to show love to the people you come in contact with?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
He never lets go
I bet I’ve stared at this exact blank page over 1000 times since March. I keep opening it up thinking I have something to say, and then find myself clicking the little ‘x’ in the top corner without having written a word. And yet, here I sit again. And I’m not really sure I have anything to say now, either. As I looked back at the post previous to this one, I am taken aback because life is so different these days, and I am not the same girl that wrote that post. I do, however, remember her very well.
I remember faking my way through conversations, smiling and being joyous on the outside while my heart ached on the inside. Tears filled my days – and I remember feeling so…foolish. Foolish because I didn’t understand it, foolish because I couldn’t explain it, and foolish because I knew I was in the grip of my Savior’s hand – and yet I couldn’t grasp that. I couldn’t get that promise to go from my heart to my head; couldn’t get that to soak in (Seems so easy now, looking back on it). My life was so full – yet from my perspective, it was empty. I can remember thinking several times how much easier it would be to just turn the wheel of my car, and let it drift off the road. Anything would’ve been better than what I was experiencing, right? People didn’t understand. I didn’t understand. And I was tired. And escaping this world sounded so appealing.
And then one day I just gave up. In fact, it was right after I read the post I copied on my last entry. I had been reading this girl’s posts for a while – not every day but randomly when I’d decide to log in and check up on people I was “following” on my blog - and I just so happened to read hers on a day when, from the looks of her post, we were walking in the same shoes. Jenny from Addison Road told a story of how she was going through a valley. She related it to a time she got thrown off a raft while white water rafting and almost drowned. She made this comment:
“The instructor catches my eye. He is on the shoreline now. Someone is coming for you, he says. Look at me. Stop panicking. You have to breathe. Do what I tell you to do. Go under water when I count to three. When you come up, blow out and take a huge breath. 1. 2. 3. Go. Do it again. Someone’s coming. Go under... now….
I'm not even sure if the event was as perilous as I remember it or not. But I felt that it was. I felt that I was losing control. I felt myself fighting to breathe. To keep my head above water. To hold my breath. To listen to the voice of the guy on the side who kept telling me someone was coming for me. I knew I was fighting. To someone else, say a professional rafter or swimmer or professionally brave person, this may not have been a fight at all. But it wasn't them, it was me. And for me, it was a battle….The past year or two I have been fighting. And I know it. Maybe not anything too huge: I'm not fighting cancer or divorce or poverty or the complete destruction of my homeland. I'm just fighting the constant flow of water beating down on me. Little tiny blows that when taken one after another begin to threaten my endurance, wear down on my body, and try to steal my joy. ” [http://www.jennysimmons.com/]
I remember breaking out in tears, thinking “that’s me! that’s how I feel too!” For the first time I felt understood. To the outside world, my life was pretty close to perfect but for me, on the inside, it was a battle and I was drowning. Falling on my face before the Lord, I was honest for the first time in months. I told Him how I felt, what I thought, and I even mentioned the whole “it’d be easier if I could just drive off the road” part. He listened, like He always does, as I poured my heart at His feet.
I don’t really remember the transition from the bottom of the valley to the climb up the mountaintop, but I remember that I was suddenly able to breathe. I felt like this huge weight had been lifted, and while things didn’t immediately go from horrible to perfect in one moment, they did start to get better.
That walk through the valley hasn’t really crossed my mind much since then. I’ve been so focused on the incredible blessings in my life, that I haven’t forced time to think about what life was like back then. It was, after all, a horribly dark time in my life, a time that I can’t really explain or put into words. But the Lord reminded me of something yesterday, and my mind drifted back and I suddenly realized something I couldn’t bring myself to believe back then.
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand. [Psalm 37:23-24]
Oh, how sweet those words are. And so very true! God does delight in EVERY detail of our lives, and He directs our steps. Little did I realize that when I was crawling on my stomach through the valley so full of darkness and muck of this world, that my Savior was right beside me, with His hand in perfect grip with mine. And there was no way He was letting me go.
On the days I chose not to pray – He was holding my hand.
On the days I broke down, screaming and yelling at Him – He was holding my hand.
On the days I considered driving off the road– He was holding my hand.
On the day I laid my heart at His feet in sweet surrender – He was holding my hand.
He was there. He IS here.
Even in the valley. Even when we’re drowning.
And He’s always got us in the firm grip of His hand.
And He never [ever] lets go.
Monday, May 10, 2010
birthday reflections
In less than two hours I’ll be a day older than I am today. The unique thing about tomorrow, though, is that I’ll also be crossing over into 26. [geez.]
The past 364 days sure have passed quickly. It’s been a crazy year for sure. As tomorrow has been sneaking closer, I’ve been thinking about all that’s happened in the past year…the good and not-so-good, the happy moments and the moments where tears have fallen for days on end; moments of brokenness and ones of complete bliss. I’ve definitely experienced the deepest of valleys and the tip top of the mountain. All in all, though, it’s been a good year.
And so I decided to make a list…because I love lists…that reflects the past 364 days. Don’t worry, I won’t be listing that many things…but my goal is to list a few of the things/events/people/moments/etc that have made a mark in the last year. I know I will in NO WAY cover every person that has influenced me this year [or in my entire life] so I tried to simply include the "new" additions from this past year.
[in no particular order]
* Psalm 37:4 – Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. [this verse has always meant a lot to me, but it took the majority of the past year to learn what this meant and to live this out in every area and every day of my life]. It changed my perspective and my focus in life. Thank You Lord, for this promise.
* Family vacation to New York. This was one of my most favorite vacations with my family. It included lots of laughter and lots of tears, but overall it was memorable beyond what words can describe. I am so thankful for a family that loves me, supports me, prays for me, cares about me, trusts me,…for a family that lets me make my own mistakes, all the while advising me and praying me through each moment. I love y’all, so very much!
* Camp Fuego. [I know, you're not a new addition, but still.] Over the past 4 years, this has become my 2nd family. While I only get to see most of them once a year [for 2 weeks], I am so very thankful for their role in my life. Their support and guidance has carried me through much of this past year. They never once complained when I have called just because I needed a venue, a place to speak my mind, and ended a conversation without ever asking how they were doing. You know y’all rank [as a group of course] in the top 5 most important people in my life. I love you forever.
* Lane. You know there aren’t words, but I will attempt nonetheless. We’ve almost been friends for a year, and I am, first and foremost, thankful for our friendship. That has been the best part of this whole thing. I truly love being your friend. I am also thankful for your heart, your words, your compassion, your selflessness, and [most importantly] your love for the Lord. [I’m even thankful for your OCD and super planning self! (I wouldn't change any of that for anything, fyi)]. You have this uncanny way of making me smile [and laugh]. You are the best part of my days [besides Jesus of course] and I cannot imagine you not being in my world. You are absolutely incredible and such a blessing in my life. I think I’ll keep you! [pinky promise]
* Wendy. We’ve cried, and laughed. We’ve rejoiced and we’ve mourned, in many ways. We’ve covered every subject from fashion to boys, from our families to a little bit of English. You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and I am so thankful that the Lord placed you across the hall from me. Every step of this year, no matter how hard [or how joyous] has an imprint of you in it. I love our friendship, and I love you. :)
* Alicia and Caitlin. I have so enjoyed this past year with y’all. Alicia – crazy how a conversation in a hot, humid laundry room spurred on a wonderful friendship! I cannot imagine life without you in it. Caitlin – Serving with you in DG has blessed my soul in ways I cannot even explain. You are wise beyond your years and I [even though older] look up to you so very much! Girls, your personalities are contagious, and our conversations are absolutely refreshing. I cherish every moment we get together, even though they are few and far between. You girls mean the world to me and I am blessed to have you as my little sisters and 2 of my best friends.
* My lunch girls [and Tyler]. Sometimes I want to wring your necks, but I love y’all regardless. We’ve been through a lot this year. At some point or another, each one of us has experienced heartbreak and amazingly fabulous moments. We’ve failed, and we’ve succeeded. We’ve prayed together, laughed together…we’ve watched each other make mistakes, and make some of the greatest decisions of our lives [both good and not-so-much]. Regardless, we’ve stood beside each other through it all. I love you all, and I look forward to walking through your final year with you [except Ashley (and Tyler, you'll be gone)]. Room 304 will be waiting for you in August. :)
* Jeremiah 33:3 – Call unto Me and I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
* Ryan and Hunter. Watching my big brothers get engaged/married has been such a blessing! Y’all have taught me so much about what it means to be in a Godly relationship, and how important it is to not settle for less than what I deserve. In the past year, y’all have prayed for me, supported me [even in dumb/immature moments], advised me, and teased me like only brothers can do. Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough. I have so enjoyed getting to see y'all pursue the loves of your lives and have watched as the Lord has orchestrated each moment, changing and adding qualities needed to perfect you for your forever. Thank you, for letting me be apart of those moments. I love you both!
* Jeremiah 29:13 –you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.
* My 9th/10th grade girls. We’ve been together since October, and I cherish every moment we get together. It has been such a blessing watching y’all grow and mature this year. I am so proud of the young women you are becoming and I pray that you continue to let the Lord guide you in EVERY area of your life. Remember, a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. So seek Him, and fear Him, and put all your hope in Him. Delight in Him …He will give you the desires of your heart. Trust me! Love yall!
*Grady/Robin/Tye/Tobi/Tom/Traci. It has been amazing getting to know yall this year. I can't even explain what a blessing it has been to be apart of your lives. I have enjoyed every moment we've had. Not only have yall been wonderful friends, but your marriages have been amazing examples for me to watch. Thank you, for letting me be a fly on the wall in that area of your life. Thank you for the support, prayers, and love [and kleenexes when needed] you've given. I am thankful to be able to call y'all friends. love you!
* Brittani/Cody. Your marriage is impeccable. Every moment spent with y’all leave me encouraged. I pray my marriage is a lot like what you have. [and be prepared because I’ll probably be calling you during the first year]. Thanks for being great friends! I love you both!
* Proverbs 31:30. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised!
* Jenny – you have walked me through heartbreak and so many tears this year. You’ve listened as I cried and we’ve rejoiced in the welcoming of your new bundle growing inside of you! Our friendship has been amazing and I am so thankful that it stands strong even though miles apart. My favorite part, perhaps, is knowing that I can call you at any moment and you'll be ready with the exact words of wisdom I needed for that moment. Thank you for that. I love you!
*Amber - It has been a blessing this past year picking up our friendship. Crazy how it felt like we never skipped a beat! I am so thankful for your kind words, encouragement, honesty talks [when you'd had to tell me to stop being ridiculous], and love. Our friendship makes me smile. I love you.
* Sand volleyball. This event not only brought me closer to a great group of people, but it sparked a determination in weight loss like never before. After a summer of eating healthy and working out by doing something fun, 50 lbs no longer exists on my body. Thank you, volleyball crew, for making me play, for putting up with the fact that I’m horrible for the first hour [and not much better after that], and for being so much fun to be around!
* Carrie, Susie, and Sherry. We’ve only been chatting for a few months, but y’all have been such a pivotal part of the last year for me. I’m not even sure how daily visits started, but I am so thankful they did. Your advice, laughter, and the fact that you let me interrupt your days have had more impact on me than you will ever know. Thanks for letting me hide out every day.
I'm sure there are other new additions and life moments that I've skipped. I've been working on this for a few hours now [and keep having to change the first sentence as time has passed], and exhaustion has taken over. I am thankful for each one of you, for your role in my life. I tried to cover the new additions since last year, so please do not think you were overlooked. Thank you, for loving me - even when I fail to love you back sometimes. the Lord has definitely blessed me in the area of friendships in life - and I know that I would not be who I am today without all of you! And to the people above, the "new" in my life. Welcome... :) and thank you for putting up with me, and for loving me despite my flaws. I look forward to more moments with you [all of you]. love you all!
The past 364 days sure have passed quickly. It’s been a crazy year for sure. As tomorrow has been sneaking closer, I’ve been thinking about all that’s happened in the past year…the good and not-so-good, the happy moments and the moments where tears have fallen for days on end; moments of brokenness and ones of complete bliss. I’ve definitely experienced the deepest of valleys and the tip top of the mountain. All in all, though, it’s been a good year.
And so I decided to make a list…because I love lists…that reflects the past 364 days. Don’t worry, I won’t be listing that many things…but my goal is to list a few of the things/events/people/moments/etc that have made a mark in the last year. I know I will in NO WAY cover every person that has influenced me this year [or in my entire life] so I tried to simply include the "new" additions from this past year.
[in no particular order]
* Psalm 37:4 – Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. [this verse has always meant a lot to me, but it took the majority of the past year to learn what this meant and to live this out in every area and every day of my life]. It changed my perspective and my focus in life. Thank You Lord, for this promise.
* Family vacation to New York. This was one of my most favorite vacations with my family. It included lots of laughter and lots of tears, but overall it was memorable beyond what words can describe. I am so thankful for a family that loves me, supports me, prays for me, cares about me, trusts me,…for a family that lets me make my own mistakes, all the while advising me and praying me through each moment. I love y’all, so very much!
* Camp Fuego. [I know, you're not a new addition, but still.] Over the past 4 years, this has become my 2nd family. While I only get to see most of them once a year [for 2 weeks], I am so very thankful for their role in my life. Their support and guidance has carried me through much of this past year. They never once complained when I have called just because I needed a venue, a place to speak my mind, and ended a conversation without ever asking how they were doing. You know y’all rank [as a group of course] in the top 5 most important people in my life. I love you forever.
* Lane. You know there aren’t words, but I will attempt nonetheless. We’ve almost been friends for a year, and I am, first and foremost, thankful for our friendship. That has been the best part of this whole thing. I truly love being your friend. I am also thankful for your heart, your words, your compassion, your selflessness, and [most importantly] your love for the Lord. [I’m even thankful for your OCD and super planning self! (I wouldn't change any of that for anything, fyi)]. You have this uncanny way of making me smile [and laugh]. You are the best part of my days [besides Jesus of course] and I cannot imagine you not being in my world. You are absolutely incredible and such a blessing in my life. I think I’ll keep you! [pinky promise]
* Wendy. We’ve cried, and laughed. We’ve rejoiced and we’ve mourned, in many ways. We’ve covered every subject from fashion to boys, from our families to a little bit of English. You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and I am so thankful that the Lord placed you across the hall from me. Every step of this year, no matter how hard [or how joyous] has an imprint of you in it. I love our friendship, and I love you. :)
* Alicia and Caitlin. I have so enjoyed this past year with y’all. Alicia – crazy how a conversation in a hot, humid laundry room spurred on a wonderful friendship! I cannot imagine life without you in it. Caitlin – Serving with you in DG has blessed my soul in ways I cannot even explain. You are wise beyond your years and I [even though older] look up to you so very much! Girls, your personalities are contagious, and our conversations are absolutely refreshing. I cherish every moment we get together, even though they are few and far between. You girls mean the world to me and I am blessed to have you as my little sisters and 2 of my best friends.
* My lunch girls [and Tyler]. Sometimes I want to wring your necks, but I love y’all regardless. We’ve been through a lot this year. At some point or another, each one of us has experienced heartbreak and amazingly fabulous moments. We’ve failed, and we’ve succeeded. We’ve prayed together, laughed together…we’ve watched each other make mistakes, and make some of the greatest decisions of our lives [both good and not-so-much]. Regardless, we’ve stood beside each other through it all. I love you all, and I look forward to walking through your final year with you [except Ashley (and Tyler, you'll be gone)]. Room 304 will be waiting for you in August. :)
* Jeremiah 33:3 – Call unto Me and I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
* Ryan and Hunter. Watching my big brothers get engaged/married has been such a blessing! Y’all have taught me so much about what it means to be in a Godly relationship, and how important it is to not settle for less than what I deserve. In the past year, y’all have prayed for me, supported me [even in dumb/immature moments], advised me, and teased me like only brothers can do. Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough. I have so enjoyed getting to see y'all pursue the loves of your lives and have watched as the Lord has orchestrated each moment, changing and adding qualities needed to perfect you for your forever. Thank you, for letting me be apart of those moments. I love you both!
* Jeremiah 29:13 –you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.
* My 9th/10th grade girls. We’ve been together since October, and I cherish every moment we get together. It has been such a blessing watching y’all grow and mature this year. I am so proud of the young women you are becoming and I pray that you continue to let the Lord guide you in EVERY area of your life. Remember, a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. So seek Him, and fear Him, and put all your hope in Him. Delight in Him …He will give you the desires of your heart. Trust me! Love yall!
*Grady/Robin/Tye/Tobi/Tom/Traci. It has been amazing getting to know yall this year. I can't even explain what a blessing it has been to be apart of your lives. I have enjoyed every moment we've had. Not only have yall been wonderful friends, but your marriages have been amazing examples for me to watch. Thank you, for letting me be a fly on the wall in that area of your life. Thank you for the support, prayers, and love [and kleenexes when needed] you've given. I am thankful to be able to call y'all friends. love you!
* Brittani/Cody. Your marriage is impeccable. Every moment spent with y’all leave me encouraged. I pray my marriage is a lot like what you have. [and be prepared because I’ll probably be calling you during the first year]. Thanks for being great friends! I love you both!
* Proverbs 31:30. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised!
* Jenny – you have walked me through heartbreak and so many tears this year. You’ve listened as I cried and we’ve rejoiced in the welcoming of your new bundle growing inside of you! Our friendship has been amazing and I am so thankful that it stands strong even though miles apart. My favorite part, perhaps, is knowing that I can call you at any moment and you'll be ready with the exact words of wisdom I needed for that moment. Thank you for that. I love you!
*Amber - It has been a blessing this past year picking up our friendship. Crazy how it felt like we never skipped a beat! I am so thankful for your kind words, encouragement, honesty talks [when you'd had to tell me to stop being ridiculous], and love. Our friendship makes me smile. I love you.
* Sand volleyball. This event not only brought me closer to a great group of people, but it sparked a determination in weight loss like never before. After a summer of eating healthy and working out by doing something fun, 50 lbs no longer exists on my body. Thank you, volleyball crew, for making me play, for putting up with the fact that I’m horrible for the first hour [and not much better after that], and for being so much fun to be around!
* Carrie, Susie, and Sherry. We’ve only been chatting for a few months, but y’all have been such a pivotal part of the last year for me. I’m not even sure how daily visits started, but I am so thankful they did. Your advice, laughter, and the fact that you let me interrupt your days have had more impact on me than you will ever know. Thanks for letting me hide out every day.
I'm sure there are other new additions and life moments that I've skipped. I've been working on this for a few hours now [and keep having to change the first sentence as time has passed], and exhaustion has taken over. I am thankful for each one of you, for your role in my life. I tried to cover the new additions since last year, so please do not think you were overlooked. Thank you, for loving me - even when I fail to love you back sometimes. the Lord has definitely blessed me in the area of friendships in life - and I know that I would not be who I am today without all of you! And to the people above, the "new" in my life. Welcome... :) and thank you for putting up with me, and for loving me despite my flaws. I look forward to more moments with you [all of you]. love you all!
Monday, March 8, 2010
stop panicking. and breathe. someone's coming.
I’ve been trying for quite some time – several months to be exact – to put into words exactly what’s been going on in my life. But words fail, because I have absolutely no idea how to explain my heart to you, which is a new feeling for me. Normally I can spout out words like it’s nothing…lately though, I’m lacking in that department. I wish you could just step into my shoes for a day or so, experience my feelings, thoughts, emotions, …experience the turmoil my soul is going through.
And so I cry. A lot. It’s stupid, really. Because when I look at my life, there is so much to be thankful for …and I know this, but lately it’s been really hard to see that. I’ve spent the majority of the past six months on my knees, begging for that light at the end of the tunnel, that curve in the road where the valley fades as the climb back up the mountain begins.
But it hasn’t come yet. And so I keep waiting. And I keep trying to find the words to explain it to people when they ask…but the words never come. And so I guess that God …in His crazy and intricate way…has chosen to keep me silent through this time and instead to use someone else’s words to get the point across. It’s funny how someone you don’t even know – have never even met – somehow takes your heart and places it perfectly on paper…[it’s long, but keep reading…]
The author is explaining how she’s almost died 3 times in her life [and told some pretty outrageous stories. Ha]. I’ll start as she’s explaining her 3rd almost encounter with death…
“Third time was white water rafting. And this time was a bit scarier. A bit more real. I was scared long before we ever started. I picked the raft with the biggest guys in the youth group because i reasoned that this would keep me safe and eliminate the chances of flipping over because of the extra weight. My friend Tim was on this raft. I trusted Tim because he was an Eagle Scout and lived at a Boy Scout Camp with his family and he was a trainer for the football team. To me, these all seemed like good qualifications for aptitude on the rafting course. A guy named Cody, a big ole' football player, was in the boat. One of my high school boyfriends, Jon, was on the boat and your high school boyfriends always protect you, right? :)
I am forgetting who all was in the raft, but it didn't matter, because we weren't in very long. We were going down the Ocea River. The place we let into the river was right where the dam opened up and was part of the Summer Olympic course the year prior. The most important thing they said was to make sure we paddled the right way at the very beginning because you would either hit a level two rapid on the left or a really difficult level four rapid on the right. And the level four rapid was not really meant for puny high school kids from the city like us. That was a part of the Olympic course.
I'm not sure what happened because it happened so fast, but I remember seeing my friend Tim hit his head on a rock and get pulled downstream. My instructor was yelling instructions and that was when Jon disappeared. I think Elizabeth was in the boat and she disappeared. Cody was gone. And I saw my paddles swept away and I vividly remember the rush of the water over my head. I was pinned in between two rocks now, still in the raft, and I couldn't catch my breath because the water kept coming and coming. It pounded down on me and rushed over my head. It was so strong. It was beating me. I knew it was beating me.
I'm drowning. I'm drowning.
Oh my God I'm drowning.
The instructor catches my eye. He is on the shoreline now. Someone is coming for you, he says. Look at me. Stop panicking. You have to breathe. Do what I tell you to do. Go under water when I count to three. When you come up, blow out and take a huge breath.
1. 2. 3. Go
Do it again. Someones coming. Go under... now.
By that point there are all kinds of people on the side of the river and I am having this out of body experience. It was so slow. So long. So labor intensive. Every single breath was a conscious decision. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Focus. Keep your mouth closed. Close your eyes. Breathe.
I'm not sure how long this went on. But eventually another raft came by and they pulled me from the two rocks that had me pinned and pulled me into their boat. Once we regrouped I learned that Tim was bleeding out of his head and had a concussion. The other guys were cut and banged up. But we were all OK. I was too scared to cry. I was just in shock.
I will always remember those moments because that is, I assume, what it feels like to fight for something.
I'm not even sure if the event was as perilous as I remember it or not. But I felt that it was. I felt that I was losing control. I felt myself fighting to breathe. To keep my head above water. To hold my breath. To listen to the voice of the guy on the side who kept telling me someone was coming for me. I knew I was fighting. To someone else, say a professional rafter or swimmer or professionally brave person, this may not have been a fight at all. But it wasn't them, it was me. And for me, it was a battle.
The past year or two I have been fighting. And I know it.
Maybe not anything too huge: I'm not fighting cancer or divorce or poverty or the complete destruction of my homeland.
I'm just fighting the constant flow of water beating down on me. Little tiny blows that when taken one after another begin to threaten my endurance, wear down on my body, and try to steal my joy.
This past week was one such week. Taken separately, even with just a week or so in between, it might have been more manageable. But taking it all together reminded me of being in that river, coaching myself through one breath after another.
[then she explains what’s been going on in her life…]
I hear that voice from the side of the river. You cannot panic. You have to breathe. Someone is coming for you. Breath Jenny. Someone is coming for you. I am coming. Do what I tell you to do. Take another breath.
Take another breath. Focus on Me. Nothing else. No one else. Go under. Come back up. Breath. Do it again. Keep going.
So maybe you are tired of hearing about the blows over the last year or so. The shingles and illnesses, the emergency surgeries, the unpaid bills, the stolen van, the family that moved all over the country before Annie was born, the stolen van and gear again, the wrecked van, the exhaustion, the doubt, the year that the line "till death do us part" became a command and not just a romantic simplicity, the little tiny blows that seem to keep coming and coming...
Maybe you are tired of hearing about them...
Well, I am tired of living them. Blow by blow living is not my desired mode of operation.
But I am not joyless. I am not depleted. I am not finished. I am not raising the flag of defeat nor am I trumpeting my tiny blows as a badge of pride. I have yet to crawl into a hole somewhere with my ice cream and ipod and not come out. I am just fighting.
And in the midst of the fight (which everyone faces, big or small) I am breathing. I am listening to that clear, strong voice that tells me someone is coming. And I believe it. And I am actually quite happy to fight.
Someone has come. I am not alone….
The Lord leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for You are with me.
It doesn't say how long that valley will last. It just says a valley. So my apologies to anyone who is annoyed at the length of my current valley. So am I!
I am not dying. My life is nowhere near as hard as a lot of people's. But that doesn't mean the blows aren't nothing. To me, they are. Your blows are hard for you too, no matter what shape, form, or size they come in. But they are not what define us.
Because there is a guide on the side of the river saying that someone is coming.
And while we are waiting on that someone, we see such perfect glimpses of love and beauty. We take breaths we didn't think we could take. We find hidden strength that fights hard on our behalf. We see faithfulness. We see miracles. Promises. We see redemption weaved into our stories.
And we are not just in a valley...
We are experiencing the beautiful mountain peaks at the same time. Those moments of grace. So technically we are living in the in between. Neither valley. Nor mountain.
We are living in a valleymount. A valtain. A movalley.
And we hope for the disease to be cured and for the parents to fall in love again and for the baby's illness to have a name and have an answer and for the jobs to come back and for the lost daughter to come home to her mother who longs to see her and we keep breathing and we keep living and loving and we keep at it...
Our stories are the stories of redemption. We are never just in a valley.
And that's enough to help me fight another day...”
So that's where I am. In that moment between drowning and bobbing up and down, gasping for breath as I wait for Someone to come. and I trust that God knows what He's doing. And He understands that I'm getting tired. but ...He understands.
And to quote Jenny Simmons [Addison Road]:
"And that's enough to help me fight another day..."
And so I cry. A lot. It’s stupid, really. Because when I look at my life, there is so much to be thankful for …and I know this, but lately it’s been really hard to see that. I’ve spent the majority of the past six months on my knees, begging for that light at the end of the tunnel, that curve in the road where the valley fades as the climb back up the mountain begins.
But it hasn’t come yet. And so I keep waiting. And I keep trying to find the words to explain it to people when they ask…but the words never come. And so I guess that God …in His crazy and intricate way…has chosen to keep me silent through this time and instead to use someone else’s words to get the point across. It’s funny how someone you don’t even know – have never even met – somehow takes your heart and places it perfectly on paper…[it’s long, but keep reading…]
The author is explaining how she’s almost died 3 times in her life [and told some pretty outrageous stories. Ha]. I’ll start as she’s explaining her 3rd almost encounter with death…
“Third time was white water rafting. And this time was a bit scarier. A bit more real. I was scared long before we ever started. I picked the raft with the biggest guys in the youth group because i reasoned that this would keep me safe and eliminate the chances of flipping over because of the extra weight. My friend Tim was on this raft. I trusted Tim because he was an Eagle Scout and lived at a Boy Scout Camp with his family and he was a trainer for the football team. To me, these all seemed like good qualifications for aptitude on the rafting course. A guy named Cody, a big ole' football player, was in the boat. One of my high school boyfriends, Jon, was on the boat and your high school boyfriends always protect you, right? :)
I am forgetting who all was in the raft, but it didn't matter, because we weren't in very long. We were going down the Ocea River. The place we let into the river was right where the dam opened up and was part of the Summer Olympic course the year prior. The most important thing they said was to make sure we paddled the right way at the very beginning because you would either hit a level two rapid on the left or a really difficult level four rapid on the right. And the level four rapid was not really meant for puny high school kids from the city like us. That was a part of the Olympic course.
I'm not sure what happened because it happened so fast, but I remember seeing my friend Tim hit his head on a rock and get pulled downstream. My instructor was yelling instructions and that was when Jon disappeared. I think Elizabeth was in the boat and she disappeared. Cody was gone. And I saw my paddles swept away and I vividly remember the rush of the water over my head. I was pinned in between two rocks now, still in the raft, and I couldn't catch my breath because the water kept coming and coming. It pounded down on me and rushed over my head. It was so strong. It was beating me. I knew it was beating me.
I'm drowning. I'm drowning.
Oh my God I'm drowning.
The instructor catches my eye. He is on the shoreline now. Someone is coming for you, he says. Look at me. Stop panicking. You have to breathe. Do what I tell you to do. Go under water when I count to three. When you come up, blow out and take a huge breath.
1. 2. 3. Go
Do it again. Someones coming. Go under... now.
By that point there are all kinds of people on the side of the river and I am having this out of body experience. It was so slow. So long. So labor intensive. Every single breath was a conscious decision. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Focus. Keep your mouth closed. Close your eyes. Breathe.
I'm not sure how long this went on. But eventually another raft came by and they pulled me from the two rocks that had me pinned and pulled me into their boat. Once we regrouped I learned that Tim was bleeding out of his head and had a concussion. The other guys were cut and banged up. But we were all OK. I was too scared to cry. I was just in shock.
I will always remember those moments because that is, I assume, what it feels like to fight for something.
I'm not even sure if the event was as perilous as I remember it or not. But I felt that it was. I felt that I was losing control. I felt myself fighting to breathe. To keep my head above water. To hold my breath. To listen to the voice of the guy on the side who kept telling me someone was coming for me. I knew I was fighting. To someone else, say a professional rafter or swimmer or professionally brave person, this may not have been a fight at all. But it wasn't them, it was me. And for me, it was a battle.
The past year or two I have been fighting. And I know it.
Maybe not anything too huge: I'm not fighting cancer or divorce or poverty or the complete destruction of my homeland.
I'm just fighting the constant flow of water beating down on me. Little tiny blows that when taken one after another begin to threaten my endurance, wear down on my body, and try to steal my joy.
This past week was one such week. Taken separately, even with just a week or so in between, it might have been more manageable. But taking it all together reminded me of being in that river, coaching myself through one breath after another.
[then she explains what’s been going on in her life…]
I hear that voice from the side of the river. You cannot panic. You have to breathe. Someone is coming for you. Breath Jenny. Someone is coming for you. I am coming. Do what I tell you to do. Take another breath.
Take another breath. Focus on Me. Nothing else. No one else. Go under. Come back up. Breath. Do it again. Keep going.
So maybe you are tired of hearing about the blows over the last year or so. The shingles and illnesses, the emergency surgeries, the unpaid bills, the stolen van, the family that moved all over the country before Annie was born, the stolen van and gear again, the wrecked van, the exhaustion, the doubt, the year that the line "till death do us part" became a command and not just a romantic simplicity, the little tiny blows that seem to keep coming and coming...
Maybe you are tired of hearing about them...
Well, I am tired of living them. Blow by blow living is not my desired mode of operation.
But I am not joyless. I am not depleted. I am not finished. I am not raising the flag of defeat nor am I trumpeting my tiny blows as a badge of pride. I have yet to crawl into a hole somewhere with my ice cream and ipod and not come out. I am just fighting.
And in the midst of the fight (which everyone faces, big or small) I am breathing. I am listening to that clear, strong voice that tells me someone is coming. And I believe it. And I am actually quite happy to fight.
Someone has come. I am not alone….
The Lord leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for You are with me.
It doesn't say how long that valley will last. It just says a valley. So my apologies to anyone who is annoyed at the length of my current valley. So am I!
I am not dying. My life is nowhere near as hard as a lot of people's. But that doesn't mean the blows aren't nothing. To me, they are. Your blows are hard for you too, no matter what shape, form, or size they come in. But they are not what define us.
Because there is a guide on the side of the river saying that someone is coming.
And while we are waiting on that someone, we see such perfect glimpses of love and beauty. We take breaths we didn't think we could take. We find hidden strength that fights hard on our behalf. We see faithfulness. We see miracles. Promises. We see redemption weaved into our stories.
And we are not just in a valley...
We are experiencing the beautiful mountain peaks at the same time. Those moments of grace. So technically we are living in the in between. Neither valley. Nor mountain.
We are living in a valleymount. A valtain. A movalley.
And we hope for the disease to be cured and for the parents to fall in love again and for the baby's illness to have a name and have an answer and for the jobs to come back and for the lost daughter to come home to her mother who longs to see her and we keep breathing and we keep living and loving and we keep at it...
Our stories are the stories of redemption. We are never just in a valley.
And that's enough to help me fight another day...”
So that's where I am. In that moment between drowning and bobbing up and down, gasping for breath as I wait for Someone to come. and I trust that God knows what He's doing. And He understands that I'm getting tired. but ...He understands.
And to quote Jenny Simmons [Addison Road]:
"And that's enough to help me fight another day..."
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
bucket list
*bolded statements means they've already been completed.
[written in 2005. it's long. i know. haha.]
1. write a book.
2. go to Australia and Niagra Falls. and New Zealand.
3. Pay off school loans.
4. Live outside of Texas.
5. Go skydiving.
6. be published in a magazine. [sort of. 2010. Charm mag, book review]
7. become an organ donor.
8. road trip with friends. (done this several times)
9. go skiing.
10. fall completely and deepling in love with Jesus. (summer 2006)
11. have a secret admirer.
12. work with youth girls in a church somewhere.
13. impact someone's life. [according to Parker, this has happened.]
14. receive flowers - just because
15. get a perfect score on a test.
16. go to Europe.
17. have a surprise party.
18. graduate from college [december 2006, bachelor of arts in human relations]
19. sit on the front row at a professional sporting event.
20. have a star named after me.
21. ride in a hot air balloon.
22. work for a magazine.
23. get my teeth bleached. [2008]
24. catch a fish (haven't done this since I was like 12).
25. learn and understand the major religions of the world.
26. attend a Women of Faith conference.
27. live in a loft, above a city.
28. read through and understand the history of the bible.
29. go to every state (alabama, arizona, arkansas, california, colorado, connecticut, florida, hawaii, illinois, kentucky, louisiana, massachusetts, mississippi, missouri, new mexico, new york, oklahoma, pennsylvania, south carolina, tennessee, texas).
30. fall in love.
31. learn 300 bible verses.
32. write a song.
33. adopt a child. [if Compassion International counts then I've done this!]
34. learn to play guitar.
35. travel to a foreign country to do missions.
36. own a Van Gogh painting.
37. complete a 1000 piece puzzle.
38. understand all the ins and outs of baseball. [well, i know some of them :) ]
39. have a stable quiet time [started in june 2007]
40. jump off a bridge
41. take a photography class
42. design something.
43. meet my Aunt Sandra.
44. turn my cell phone off for a week. [2006]
45. meet a celebrity.
46. have breakfast in bed.
47. go on a scavenger hunt. [dnow 2010]
48. see the northern lights.
50. learn to drive a standard vehicle.
51. see a full rainbow [Camp Fuego, 2007]
52. learn to play the piano
53. be kissed in the rain
54. go to New York [summer 2009]
55. see a Broadway Show.
56. Ride in a helicopter
57. send a message in a bottle
58. sleep under the stars.
59. learn to juggle.
60. feed the homeless [spring break 2006]
61. break a world record.
62. watch my sisters graduate from high school/college [Jessica - May 2006. Bri - May 2010]
63. learn sign language
64. witness a child come to Christ [summer 2006, Camp Newton; Camp Fuego]
65. meet my husband.
66. speak at a girls conference. [Fusion Girls Retreat, FBC Texarkana, 2010]
67. go to graduate school.
68. become a better prayer warrior.
69. be a part of a picket line. for a good cause.
70. witness a cure of cancer.
71. sing in front of people.
72. get over my fear of the dark.
73. find something important in my life to save and give to my kids.
74. attend a major sporting event: Super Bowl, Olympics, World Series, MLB Opening Day, NBA Championship game
75. have kids.
76. plant a tree.
77. learn how to take a compliment.
78. sit on a jury.
79. teach someone illiterate how to read.
80. swim with dolphins.
81. give to a charity
82. visit the Holy Land.
83. run to the top of the statue of liberty.
84. run a marathon.
85. catch a ball at a baseball game.
86. make a hole-in-one.
87. fly first class.
88. own every version of monopoly. (i don't even like to play the game. haha)
89. take an art class.
90. devote my life to things higher than myself. selflessness.
91. visit the 7 wonders of the world.
92. plant a garden [and see it grow/flourish]
93. work for a greeting card company (or just design one for them one time).
94. become someone's mentor.
95. experience a really incredible surprise.
96. movie day [back to back to back movies at a theatre]
97. go on a surprise date. [march 2011. anniversary date with Lane]
98. experience laughter every day.
...list to be continued.
[written in 2005. it's long. i know. haha.]
1. write a book.
2. go to Australia and Niagra Falls. and New Zealand.
3. Pay off school loans.
4. Live outside of Texas.
5. Go skydiving.
6. be published in a magazine. [sort of. 2010. Charm mag, book review]
7. become an organ donor.
8. road trip with friends. (done this several times)
9. go skiing.
10. fall completely and deepling in love with Jesus. (summer 2006)
11. have a secret admirer.
12. work with youth girls in a church somewhere.
13. impact someone's life. [according to Parker, this has happened.]
14. receive flowers - just because
15. get a perfect score on a test.
16. go to Europe.
17. have a surprise party.
18. graduate from college [december 2006, bachelor of arts in human relations]
19. sit on the front row at a professional sporting event.
20. have a star named after me.
21. ride in a hot air balloon.
22. work for a magazine.
23. get my teeth bleached. [2008]
24. catch a fish (haven't done this since I was like 12).
25. learn and understand the major religions of the world.
26. attend a Women of Faith conference.
27. live in a loft, above a city.
28. read through and understand the history of the bible.
29. go to every state (alabama, arizona, arkansas, california, colorado, connecticut, florida, hawaii, illinois, kentucky, louisiana, massachusetts, mississippi, missouri, new mexico, new york, oklahoma, pennsylvania, south carolina, tennessee, texas).
30. fall in love.
31. learn 300 bible verses.
32. write a song.
33. adopt a child. [if Compassion International counts then I've done this!]
34. learn to play guitar.
35. travel to a foreign country to do missions.
36. own a Van Gogh painting.
37. complete a 1000 piece puzzle.
38. understand all the ins and outs of baseball. [well, i know some of them :) ]
39. have a stable quiet time [started in june 2007]
40. jump off a bridge
41. take a photography class
42. design something.
43. meet my Aunt Sandra.
44. turn my cell phone off for a week. [2006]
45. meet a celebrity.
46. have breakfast in bed.
47. go on a scavenger hunt. [dnow 2010]
48. see the northern lights.
50. learn to drive a standard vehicle.
51. see a full rainbow [Camp Fuego, 2007]
52. learn to play the piano
53. be kissed in the rain
54. go to New York [summer 2009]
55. see a Broadway Show.
56. Ride in a helicopter
57. send a message in a bottle
58. sleep under the stars.
59. learn to juggle.
60. feed the homeless [spring break 2006]
61. break a world record.
62. watch my sisters graduate from high school/college [Jessica - May 2006. Bri - May 2010]
63. learn sign language
64. witness a child come to Christ [summer 2006, Camp Newton; Camp Fuego]
65. meet my husband.
66. speak at a girls conference. [Fusion Girls Retreat, FBC Texarkana, 2010]
67. go to graduate school.
68. become a better prayer warrior.
69. be a part of a picket line. for a good cause.
70. witness a cure of cancer.
71. sing in front of people.
72. get over my fear of the dark.
73. find something important in my life to save and give to my kids.
74. attend a major sporting event: Super Bowl, Olympics, World Series, MLB Opening Day, NBA Championship game
75. have kids.
76. plant a tree.
77. learn how to take a compliment.
78. sit on a jury.
79. teach someone illiterate how to read.
80. swim with dolphins.
81. give to a charity
82. visit the Holy Land.
83. run to the top of the statue of liberty.
84. run a marathon.
85. catch a ball at a baseball game.
86. make a hole-in-one.
87. fly first class.
88. own every version of monopoly. (i don't even like to play the game. haha)
89. take an art class.
90. devote my life to things higher than myself. selflessness.
91. visit the 7 wonders of the world.
92. plant a garden [and see it grow/flourish]
93. work for a greeting card company (or just design one for them one time).
94. become someone's mentor.
95. experience a really incredible surprise.
96. movie day [back to back to back movies at a theatre]
97. go on a surprise date. [march 2011. anniversary date with Lane]
98. experience laughter every day.
...list to be continued.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
love.
I’m really bad at love.
[well, that’s what I’ve discovered lately.]
No, not the ooshy-gushy, romantic kind of love (which I’m not so great at either), but the whole “love your neighbor,” agape kind of love.
It has seemed that everywhere I turn; love has been staring me in the face, hovering over my life. It’s been the central topic of my world for the past month-ish.
[And to be honest, it’s starting to be quite annoying]
I didn’t really understand why God was pushing this whole “love” business on me. I sort of arrogantly thought that there were other people in this world that needed to learn about love more than I did.
So after a month (-ish) of being bombarded by “love,” I decided I needed to talk to God about this love stuff, b/c honestly, I was ready to move on to something else.
[Little did I know that the answer would knock me to my knees]
The conversation went a little like this:
Me: God, You’ve been cramming ‘love’ into my life a lot lately.
God: Yes.
Me: What’s the deal?
God: I’m teaching you.
Me: I kind of figured You were, and I want to learn, but why not something like grace or mercy, or forgiveness, or humility, or faith, instead? Why love?
God: Because love is the basis for all those things.
Me: Oh. So, I’m guessing I need to work on the whole “love” thing?
God: Right.
Me: Ok…um...can You show me what You mean?
God: That’s what I’ve been trying to do. But you keep pushing it out of the way.
Me: Yeah. I’m sorry about that. Can we try again?
Over the next few days, my heart experienced a type of humility that I’ve can’t even attempt to explain. I really thought that I was pretty decent at loving. I mean, I love loving people. I’m nice and I do nice things. I even talk to people I don’t like very much. And I smile – a lot. That’s love, right? I’m pretty decent at love; compared to other people, right?
But then God asked me to love that person who hurt my feelings last week. And the ones who have broken my heart.
Ok, [gulp] that can’t be too hard. Just be nice, and forget about the hurt, and be…normal.
then He asked if I would show love to the homeless, to the dad who beats his daughter, to the overly emotional friend who seems to demand attention (a lot), to that person who really gets on my nerves, the woman who had an affair, and the kid who doesn’t have friends at school. [Ok, anyone else?]. Yeah, the ex-boyfriend (yeah, that one), the parent who talks behind your back, and to the one who wants to be friends only when it’s convenient or on their terms.
[um...]
Ok, but…God…that’s a lot of people. A lot of difficult people. And so, if it becomes too hard to love that person, I’m going to have to back out ok? And if she oversteps my comfort zone too much, or if he plays with my heart one more time, I’m gonna back out on the whole love thing, ok? And I’ll be nice to people, and tolerate people, but if it becomes too suffocating, or frustrating; if it becomes scary, or takes too much of my time (b/c I’m real busy God)...yeah, You should probably have a back up ready, just in case.
And one more thing, God. I’ll love everyone, except him. Oh, and her. I can’t love them, ok?
[silence]
Silence from God means He agrees, right? So I went on loving, you know, my way. Then He spoke, and I was the one left sitting in silence.
“Hey Lindsey, we seem to have this conversation a lot. However, I love you, so here it goes, again. And this time, shut your mouth until I’m finished, then you can talk…”
[ok…]
“My word says exactly what I wanted it to say. I didn’t create a special clause where you could add in your own words or interpretation whenever you didn’t agree or wanted to change a word or two to make it more adaptable to your life. It doesn’t work that way. Ever. As for love, though, it states pretty plainly that you are to love one another. It doesn’t say to love them except when you’re afraid or tired or spread too thin or if it’s someone who’s hurt you, wronged you, doesn’t think like you, or someone you’d rather not love. It doesn’t say to love until it’s hard, and then you are excused from it. You don't think you get to pick and choose whom you love do you? If you want to love like Me, then you love completely. You go all the way, with all people. Yes, ALL people – even the ones you’d rather not love. And you don’t turn your back on them and run when it’s hard. You know, it’s not about you, Lindsey, or your rules and feelings and emotions. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, it is really quite simple: You either love or you don’t. And once you choose, you don't get to change your mind, or stop loving when you get uncomfortable, or when your heart gets stretched. You don't get that option. I don't give you that option. Because I don't do that with you. I love you, regardless. Even when you're hard to love. So, child,...love. or don't."
[silence]
(several days later)
"um...God...i think i'll choose love."
[well, that’s what I’ve discovered lately.]
No, not the ooshy-gushy, romantic kind of love (which I’m not so great at either), but the whole “love your neighbor,” agape kind of love.
It has seemed that everywhere I turn; love has been staring me in the face, hovering over my life. It’s been the central topic of my world for the past month-ish.
[And to be honest, it’s starting to be quite annoying]
I didn’t really understand why God was pushing this whole “love” business on me. I sort of arrogantly thought that there were other people in this world that needed to learn about love more than I did.
So after a month (-ish) of being bombarded by “love,” I decided I needed to talk to God about this love stuff, b/c honestly, I was ready to move on to something else.
[Little did I know that the answer would knock me to my knees]
The conversation went a little like this:
Me: God, You’ve been cramming ‘love’ into my life a lot lately.
God: Yes.
Me: What’s the deal?
God: I’m teaching you.
Me: I kind of figured You were, and I want to learn, but why not something like grace or mercy, or forgiveness, or humility, or faith, instead? Why love?
God: Because love is the basis for all those things.
Me: Oh. So, I’m guessing I need to work on the whole “love” thing?
God: Right.
Me: Ok…um...can You show me what You mean?
God: That’s what I’ve been trying to do. But you keep pushing it out of the way.
Me: Yeah. I’m sorry about that. Can we try again?
Over the next few days, my heart experienced a type of humility that I’ve can’t even attempt to explain. I really thought that I was pretty decent at loving. I mean, I love loving people. I’m nice and I do nice things. I even talk to people I don’t like very much. And I smile – a lot. That’s love, right? I’m pretty decent at love; compared to other people, right?
But then God asked me to love that person who hurt my feelings last week. And the ones who have broken my heart.
Ok, [gulp] that can’t be too hard. Just be nice, and forget about the hurt, and be…normal.
then He asked if I would show love to the homeless, to the dad who beats his daughter, to the overly emotional friend who seems to demand attention (a lot), to that person who really gets on my nerves, the woman who had an affair, and the kid who doesn’t have friends at school. [Ok, anyone else?]. Yeah, the ex-boyfriend (yeah, that one), the parent who talks behind your back, and to the one who wants to be friends only when it’s convenient or on their terms.
[um...]
Ok, but…God…that’s a lot of people. A lot of difficult people. And so, if it becomes too hard to love that person, I’m going to have to back out ok? And if she oversteps my comfort zone too much, or if he plays with my heart one more time, I’m gonna back out on the whole love thing, ok? And I’ll be nice to people, and tolerate people, but if it becomes too suffocating, or frustrating; if it becomes scary, or takes too much of my time (b/c I’m real busy God)...yeah, You should probably have a back up ready, just in case.
And one more thing, God. I’ll love everyone, except him. Oh, and her. I can’t love them, ok?
[silence]
Silence from God means He agrees, right? So I went on loving, you know, my way. Then He spoke, and I was the one left sitting in silence.
“Hey Lindsey, we seem to have this conversation a lot. However, I love you, so here it goes, again. And this time, shut your mouth until I’m finished, then you can talk…”
[ok…]
“My word says exactly what I wanted it to say. I didn’t create a special clause where you could add in your own words or interpretation whenever you didn’t agree or wanted to change a word or two to make it more adaptable to your life. It doesn’t work that way. Ever. As for love, though, it states pretty plainly that you are to love one another. It doesn’t say to love them except when you’re afraid or tired or spread too thin or if it’s someone who’s hurt you, wronged you, doesn’t think like you, or someone you’d rather not love. It doesn’t say to love until it’s hard, and then you are excused from it. You don't think you get to pick and choose whom you love do you? If you want to love like Me, then you love completely. You go all the way, with all people. Yes, ALL people – even the ones you’d rather not love. And you don’t turn your back on them and run when it’s hard. You know, it’s not about you, Lindsey, or your rules and feelings and emotions. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, it is really quite simple: You either love or you don’t. And once you choose, you don't get to change your mind, or stop loving when you get uncomfortable, or when your heart gets stretched. You don't get that option. I don't give you that option. Because I don't do that with you. I love you, regardless. Even when you're hard to love. So, child,...love. or don't."
[silence]
(several days later)
"um...God...i think i'll choose love."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
i forget.
I forget a lot.
Dates. Birthdays. Appointments. Big events. Promises. Friends.
I forget to make lesson plans and respond to inbox messages. I forget that I really needed to call that person, just to say hi.
I forget to wear my retainer.
I forget You.
I get distracted. A lot. (Ask my students.)
I begin conversations only to realize hours later that the conversation was never finished; that I got distracted and the person walked away. I start projects and books, thank you cards and cards just to say “hello” only to find them months later, stuffed in a box or a bag, page ear-marked or envelope sealed, waiting to be finished or sent off.
My intentions are always good of course. I decide I’m going to wash dishes, only to look up and see that it’s 1045pm and I’d much rather crawl in my bed than spend 15 minutes loading/unloading and getting dishwater hands. In fact, I plan many things only to realize that most of them fall by the wayside, waiting on me to step up and do them.
I get distracted a lot. And then I miss You.
Life gets so chaotic sometimes.
I let life get so chaotic sometimes. I squeeze 20 hours worth of stuff into a 8 hour work day. I say ‘yes’ because it’s the right thing to do. I fill my box with as many things as I possibly can, because to say ‘no’ or ‘next time’ means to disappoint. And in my mind to disappoint equals failure. And with all I’ve crammed, I get so stressed and frustrated and tired…and I forget.
I picked up my bible for the first time yesterday. in over a week.
It’s been longer than that before.
I don’t suggest it. I don’t encourage it. But I find it a little…ironic…that the page I turned to in my devotional was exactly what I needed to hear. I was a little afraid to open it, for I was sure that as soon as I’d crack the cover, He’d send angels and Moses straight to my bedroom to chastise me and put me in my place.
(Ok, so that was a little overrated. And I really didn’t think that would happen, though I’m sure He could pull it off…)
Did you know that God told Gideon that He wanted to use him to save Israel and that Gideon questioned God three times? Did you know that when God told Gideon He wanted to use him that Gideon asked God to prove Himself? I was reading this yesterday and laughed. Outloud. Yep.
Then I realized…that I do the same thing.
I forget.
I get distracted.
And I ask the God of this universe, the Creator, Savior, …the Star Namer and the Path Carver …to prove Himself to me.
Ha.
As if He didn’t do enough that Friday on Calvary. And the following Sunday.
But I ask anyway.
And…just like Gideon…He looks at me like I’m crazy and says no He shows me how mighty and powerful and gracious and loving and…. faithful He is.
He makes the fleece wet and the ground dry. (and I ask again).
So He makes the fleece dry and the ground wet. (until I finally ”get it”).
But, despite my lack of faith sometimes, He remains faithful. Always.
“if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (thanks Kayce for reminding me of this).
even when I forget.
even when I get distracted.
even when I (stupidly) ask for proof.
over. and over.
He is faithful.
Dates. Birthdays. Appointments. Big events. Promises. Friends.
I forget to make lesson plans and respond to inbox messages. I forget that I really needed to call that person, just to say hi.
I forget to wear my retainer.
I forget You.
I get distracted. A lot. (Ask my students.)
I begin conversations only to realize hours later that the conversation was never finished; that I got distracted and the person walked away. I start projects and books, thank you cards and cards just to say “hello” only to find them months later, stuffed in a box or a bag, page ear-marked or envelope sealed, waiting to be finished or sent off.
My intentions are always good of course. I decide I’m going to wash dishes, only to look up and see that it’s 1045pm and I’d much rather crawl in my bed than spend 15 minutes loading/unloading and getting dishwater hands. In fact, I plan many things only to realize that most of them fall by the wayside, waiting on me to step up and do them.
I get distracted a lot. And then I miss You.
I let life get so chaotic sometimes. I squeeze 20 hours worth of stuff into a 8 hour work day. I say ‘yes’ because it’s the right thing to do. I fill my box with as many things as I possibly can, because to say ‘no’ or ‘next time’ means to disappoint. And in my mind to disappoint equals failure. And with all I’ve crammed, I get so stressed and frustrated and tired…and I forget.
I picked up my bible for the first time yesterday. in over a week.
I don’t suggest it. I don’t encourage it. But I find it a little…ironic…that the page I turned to in my devotional was exactly what I needed to hear. I was a little afraid to open it, for I was sure that as soon as I’d crack the cover, He’d send angels and Moses straight to my bedroom to chastise me and put me in my place.
(Ok, so that was a little overrated. And I really didn’t think that would happen, though I’m sure He could pull it off…)
Did you know that God told Gideon that He wanted to use him to save Israel and that Gideon questioned God three times? Did you know that when God told Gideon He wanted to use him that Gideon asked God to prove Himself? I was reading this yesterday and laughed. Outloud. Yep.
Then I realized…that I do the same thing.
I forget.
I get distracted.
And I ask the God of this universe, the Creator, Savior, …the Star Namer and the Path Carver …to prove Himself to me.
Ha.
As if He didn’t do enough that Friday on Calvary. And the following Sunday.
But I ask anyway.
And…just like Gideon…
He makes the fleece wet and the ground dry. (and I ask again).
So He makes the fleece dry and the ground wet. (until I finally ”get it”).
But, despite my lack of faith sometimes, He remains faithful. Always.
“if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (thanks Kayce for reminding me of this).
even when I forget.
even when I get distracted.
even when I (stupidly) ask for proof.
over. and over.
He is faithful.
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