I’ve been trying for quite some time – several months to be exact – to put into words exactly what’s been going on in my life. But words fail, because I have absolutely no idea how to explain my heart to you, which is a new feeling for me. Normally I can spout out words like it’s nothing…lately though, I’m lacking in that department. I wish you could just step into my shoes for a day or so, experience my feelings, thoughts, emotions, …experience the turmoil my soul is going through.
And so I cry. A lot. It’s stupid, really. Because when I look at my life, there is so much to be thankful for …and I know this, but lately it’s been really hard to see that. I’ve spent the majority of the past six months on my knees, begging for that light at the end of the tunnel, that curve in the road where the valley fades as the climb back up the mountain begins.
But it hasn’t come yet. And so I keep waiting. And I keep trying to find the words to explain it to people when they ask…but the words never come. And so I guess that God …in His crazy and intricate way…has chosen to keep me silent through this time and instead to use someone else’s words to get the point across. It’s funny how someone you don’t even know – have never even met – somehow takes your heart and places it perfectly on paper…[it’s long, but keep reading…]
The author is explaining how she’s almost died 3 times in her life [and told some pretty outrageous stories. Ha]. I’ll start as she’s explaining her 3rd almost encounter with death…
“Third time was white water rafting. And this time was a bit scarier. A bit more real. I was scared long before we ever started. I picked the raft with the biggest guys in the youth group because i reasoned that this would keep me safe and eliminate the chances of flipping over because of the extra weight. My friend Tim was on this raft. I trusted Tim because he was an Eagle Scout and lived at a Boy Scout Camp with his family and he was a trainer for the football team. To me, these all seemed like good qualifications for aptitude on the rafting course. A guy named Cody, a big ole' football player, was in the boat. One of my high school boyfriends, Jon, was on the boat and your high school boyfriends always protect you, right? :)
I am forgetting who all was in the raft, but it didn't matter, because we weren't in very long. We were going down the Ocea River. The place we let into the river was right where the dam opened up and was part of the Summer Olympic course the year prior. The most important thing they said was to make sure we paddled the right way at the very beginning because you would either hit a level two rapid on the left or a really difficult level four rapid on the right. And the level four rapid was not really meant for puny high school kids from the city like us. That was a part of the Olympic course.
I'm not sure what happened because it happened so fast, but I remember seeing my friend Tim hit his head on a rock and get pulled downstream. My instructor was yelling instructions and that was when Jon disappeared. I think Elizabeth was in the boat and she disappeared. Cody was gone. And I saw my paddles swept away and I vividly remember the rush of the water over my head. I was pinned in between two rocks now, still in the raft, and I couldn't catch my breath because the water kept coming and coming. It pounded down on me and rushed over my head. It was so strong. It was beating me. I knew it was beating me.
I'm drowning. I'm drowning.
Oh my God I'm drowning.
The instructor catches my eye. He is on the shoreline now. Someone is coming for you, he says. Look at me. Stop panicking. You have to breathe. Do what I tell you to do. Go under water when I count to three. When you come up, blow out and take a huge breath.
1. 2. 3. Go
Do it again. Someones coming. Go under... now.
By that point there are all kinds of people on the side of the river and I am having this out of body experience. It was so slow. So long. So labor intensive. Every single breath was a conscious decision. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Go down. Hold your breath. Come up. Breathe. Do it again Jenny. Focus. Keep your mouth closed. Close your eyes. Breathe.
I'm not sure how long this went on. But eventually another raft came by and they pulled me from the two rocks that had me pinned and pulled me into their boat. Once we regrouped I learned that Tim was bleeding out of his head and had a concussion. The other guys were cut and banged up. But we were all OK. I was too scared to cry. I was just in shock.
I will always remember those moments because that is, I assume, what it feels like to fight for something.
I'm not even sure if the event was as perilous as I remember it or not. But I felt that it was. I felt that I was losing control. I felt myself fighting to breathe. To keep my head above water. To hold my breath. To listen to the voice of the guy on the side who kept telling me someone was coming for me. I knew I was fighting. To someone else, say a professional rafter or swimmer or professionally brave person, this may not have been a fight at all. But it wasn't them, it was me. And for me, it was a battle.
The past year or two I have been fighting. And I know it.
Maybe not anything too huge: I'm not fighting cancer or divorce or poverty or the complete destruction of my homeland.
I'm just fighting the constant flow of water beating down on me. Little tiny blows that when taken one after another begin to threaten my endurance, wear down on my body, and try to steal my joy.
This past week was one such week. Taken separately, even with just a week or so in between, it might have been more manageable. But taking it all together reminded me of being in that river, coaching myself through one breath after another.
[then she explains what’s been going on in her life…]
I hear that voice from the side of the river. You cannot panic. You have to breathe. Someone is coming for you. Breath Jenny. Someone is coming for you. I am coming. Do what I tell you to do. Take another breath.
Take another breath. Focus on Me. Nothing else. No one else. Go under. Come back up. Breath. Do it again. Keep going.
So maybe you are tired of hearing about the blows over the last year or so. The shingles and illnesses, the emergency surgeries, the unpaid bills, the stolen van, the family that moved all over the country before Annie was born, the stolen van and gear again, the wrecked van, the exhaustion, the doubt, the year that the line "till death do us part" became a command and not just a romantic simplicity, the little tiny blows that seem to keep coming and coming...
Maybe you are tired of hearing about them...
Well, I am tired of living them. Blow by blow living is not my desired mode of operation.
But I am not joyless. I am not depleted. I am not finished. I am not raising the flag of defeat nor am I trumpeting my tiny blows as a badge of pride. I have yet to crawl into a hole somewhere with my ice cream and ipod and not come out. I am just fighting.
And in the midst of the fight (which everyone faces, big or small) I am breathing. I am listening to that clear, strong voice that tells me someone is coming. And I believe it. And I am actually quite happy to fight.
Someone has come. I am not alone….
The Lord leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for You are with me.
It doesn't say how long that valley will last. It just says a valley. So my apologies to anyone who is annoyed at the length of my current valley. So am I!
I am not dying. My life is nowhere near as hard as a lot of people's. But that doesn't mean the blows aren't nothing. To me, they are. Your blows are hard for you too, no matter what shape, form, or size they come in. But they are not what define us.
Because there is a guide on the side of the river saying that someone is coming.
And while we are waiting on that someone, we see such perfect glimpses of love and beauty. We take breaths we didn't think we could take. We find hidden strength that fights hard on our behalf. We see faithfulness. We see miracles. Promises. We see redemption weaved into our stories.
And we are not just in a valley...
We are experiencing the beautiful mountain peaks at the same time. Those moments of grace. So technically we are living in the in between. Neither valley. Nor mountain.
We are living in a valleymount. A valtain. A movalley.
And we hope for the disease to be cured and for the parents to fall in love again and for the baby's illness to have a name and have an answer and for the jobs to come back and for the lost daughter to come home to her mother who longs to see her and we keep breathing and we keep living and loving and we keep at it...
Our stories are the stories of redemption. We are never just in a valley.
And that's enough to help me fight another day...”
So that's where I am. In that moment between drowning and bobbing up and down, gasping for breath as I wait for Someone to come. and I trust that God knows what He's doing. And He understands that I'm getting tired. but ...He understands.
And to quote Jenny Simmons [Addison Road]:
"And that's enough to help me fight another day..."
Monday, March 8, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
bucket list
*bolded statements means they've already been completed.
[written in 2005. it's long. i know. haha.]
1. write a book.
2. go to Australia and Niagra Falls. and New Zealand.
3. Pay off school loans.
4. Live outside of Texas.
5. Go skydiving.
6. be published in a magazine. [sort of. 2010. Charm mag, book review]
7. become an organ donor.
8. road trip with friends. (done this several times)
9. go skiing.
10. fall completely and deepling in love with Jesus. (summer 2006)
11. have a secret admirer.
12. work with youth girls in a church somewhere.
13. impact someone's life. [according to Parker, this has happened.]
14. receive flowers - just because
15. get a perfect score on a test.
16. go to Europe.
17. have a surprise party.
18. graduate from college [december 2006, bachelor of arts in human relations]
19. sit on the front row at a professional sporting event.
20. have a star named after me.
21. ride in a hot air balloon.
22. work for a magazine.
23. get my teeth bleached. [2008]
24. catch a fish (haven't done this since I was like 12).
25. learn and understand the major religions of the world.
26. attend a Women of Faith conference.
27. live in a loft, above a city.
28. read through and understand the history of the bible.
29. go to every state (alabama, arizona, arkansas, california, colorado, connecticut, florida, hawaii, illinois, kentucky, louisiana, massachusetts, mississippi, missouri, new mexico, new york, oklahoma, pennsylvania, south carolina, tennessee, texas).
30. fall in love.
31. learn 300 bible verses.
32. write a song.
33. adopt a child. [if Compassion International counts then I've done this!]
34. learn to play guitar.
35. travel to a foreign country to do missions.
36. own a Van Gogh painting.
37. complete a 1000 piece puzzle.
38. understand all the ins and outs of baseball. [well, i know some of them :) ]
39. have a stable quiet time [started in june 2007]
40. jump off a bridge
41. take a photography class
42. design something.
43. meet my Aunt Sandra.
44. turn my cell phone off for a week. [2006]
45. meet a celebrity.
46. have breakfast in bed.
47. go on a scavenger hunt. [dnow 2010]
48. see the northern lights.
50. learn to drive a standard vehicle.
51. see a full rainbow [Camp Fuego, 2007]
52. learn to play the piano
53. be kissed in the rain
54. go to New York [summer 2009]
55. see a Broadway Show.
56. Ride in a helicopter
57. send a message in a bottle
58. sleep under the stars.
59. learn to juggle.
60. feed the homeless [spring break 2006]
61. break a world record.
62. watch my sisters graduate from high school/college [Jessica - May 2006. Bri - May 2010]
63. learn sign language
64. witness a child come to Christ [summer 2006, Camp Newton; Camp Fuego]
65. meet my husband.
66. speak at a girls conference. [Fusion Girls Retreat, FBC Texarkana, 2010]
67. go to graduate school.
68. become a better prayer warrior.
69. be a part of a picket line. for a good cause.
70. witness a cure of cancer.
71. sing in front of people.
72. get over my fear of the dark.
73. find something important in my life to save and give to my kids.
74. attend a major sporting event: Super Bowl, Olympics, World Series, MLB Opening Day, NBA Championship game
75. have kids.
76. plant a tree.
77. learn how to take a compliment.
78. sit on a jury.
79. teach someone illiterate how to read.
80. swim with dolphins.
81. give to a charity
82. visit the Holy Land.
83. run to the top of the statue of liberty.
84. run a marathon.
85. catch a ball at a baseball game.
86. make a hole-in-one.
87. fly first class.
88. own every version of monopoly. (i don't even like to play the game. haha)
89. take an art class.
90. devote my life to things higher than myself. selflessness.
91. visit the 7 wonders of the world.
92. plant a garden [and see it grow/flourish]
93. work for a greeting card company (or just design one for them one time).
94. become someone's mentor.
95. experience a really incredible surprise.
96. movie day [back to back to back movies at a theatre]
97. go on a surprise date. [march 2011. anniversary date with Lane]
98. experience laughter every day.
...list to be continued.
[written in 2005. it's long. i know. haha.]
1. write a book.
2. go to Australia and Niagra Falls. and New Zealand.
3. Pay off school loans.
4. Live outside of Texas.
5. Go skydiving.
6. be published in a magazine. [sort of. 2010. Charm mag, book review]
7. become an organ donor.
8. road trip with friends. (done this several times)
9. go skiing.
10. fall completely and deepling in love with Jesus. (summer 2006)
11. have a secret admirer.
12. work with youth girls in a church somewhere.
13. impact someone's life. [according to Parker, this has happened.]
14. receive flowers - just because
15. get a perfect score on a test.
16. go to Europe.
17. have a surprise party.
18. graduate from college [december 2006, bachelor of arts in human relations]
19. sit on the front row at a professional sporting event.
20. have a star named after me.
21. ride in a hot air balloon.
22. work for a magazine.
23. get my teeth bleached. [2008]
24. catch a fish (haven't done this since I was like 12).
25. learn and understand the major religions of the world.
26. attend a Women of Faith conference.
27. live in a loft, above a city.
28. read through and understand the history of the bible.
29. go to every state (alabama, arizona, arkansas, california, colorado, connecticut, florida, hawaii, illinois, kentucky, louisiana, massachusetts, mississippi, missouri, new mexico, new york, oklahoma, pennsylvania, south carolina, tennessee, texas).
30. fall in love.
31. learn 300 bible verses.
32. write a song.
33. adopt a child. [if Compassion International counts then I've done this!]
34. learn to play guitar.
35. travel to a foreign country to do missions.
36. own a Van Gogh painting.
37. complete a 1000 piece puzzle.
38. understand all the ins and outs of baseball. [well, i know some of them :) ]
39. have a stable quiet time [started in june 2007]
40. jump off a bridge
41. take a photography class
42. design something.
43. meet my Aunt Sandra.
44. turn my cell phone off for a week. [2006]
45. meet a celebrity.
46. have breakfast in bed.
47. go on a scavenger hunt. [dnow 2010]
48. see the northern lights.
50. learn to drive a standard vehicle.
51. see a full rainbow [Camp Fuego, 2007]
52. learn to play the piano
53. be kissed in the rain
54. go to New York [summer 2009]
55. see a Broadway Show.
56. Ride in a helicopter
57. send a message in a bottle
58. sleep under the stars.
59. learn to juggle.
60. feed the homeless [spring break 2006]
61. break a world record.
62. watch my sisters graduate from high school/college [Jessica - May 2006. Bri - May 2010]
63. learn sign language
64. witness a child come to Christ [summer 2006, Camp Newton; Camp Fuego]
65. meet my husband.
66. speak at a girls conference. [Fusion Girls Retreat, FBC Texarkana, 2010]
67. go to graduate school.
68. become a better prayer warrior.
69. be a part of a picket line. for a good cause.
70. witness a cure of cancer.
71. sing in front of people.
72. get over my fear of the dark.
73. find something important in my life to save and give to my kids.
74. attend a major sporting event: Super Bowl, Olympics, World Series, MLB Opening Day, NBA Championship game
75. have kids.
76. plant a tree.
77. learn how to take a compliment.
78. sit on a jury.
79. teach someone illiterate how to read.
80. swim with dolphins.
81. give to a charity
82. visit the Holy Land.
83. run to the top of the statue of liberty.
84. run a marathon.
85. catch a ball at a baseball game.
86. make a hole-in-one.
87. fly first class.
88. own every version of monopoly. (i don't even like to play the game. haha)
89. take an art class.
90. devote my life to things higher than myself. selflessness.
91. visit the 7 wonders of the world.
92. plant a garden [and see it grow/flourish]
93. work for a greeting card company (or just design one for them one time).
94. become someone's mentor.
95. experience a really incredible surprise.
96. movie day [back to back to back movies at a theatre]
97. go on a surprise date. [march 2011. anniversary date with Lane]
98. experience laughter every day.
...list to be continued.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
love.
I’m really bad at love.
[well, that’s what I’ve discovered lately.]
No, not the ooshy-gushy, romantic kind of love (which I’m not so great at either), but the whole “love your neighbor,” agape kind of love.
It has seemed that everywhere I turn; love has been staring me in the face, hovering over my life. It’s been the central topic of my world for the past month-ish.
[And to be honest, it’s starting to be quite annoying]
I didn’t really understand why God was pushing this whole “love” business on me. I sort of arrogantly thought that there were other people in this world that needed to learn about love more than I did.
So after a month (-ish) of being bombarded by “love,” I decided I needed to talk to God about this love stuff, b/c honestly, I was ready to move on to something else.
[Little did I know that the answer would knock me to my knees]
The conversation went a little like this:
Me: God, You’ve been cramming ‘love’ into my life a lot lately.
God: Yes.
Me: What’s the deal?
God: I’m teaching you.
Me: I kind of figured You were, and I want to learn, but why not something like grace or mercy, or forgiveness, or humility, or faith, instead? Why love?
God: Because love is the basis for all those things.
Me: Oh. So, I’m guessing I need to work on the whole “love” thing?
God: Right.
Me: Ok…um...can You show me what You mean?
God: That’s what I’ve been trying to do. But you keep pushing it out of the way.
Me: Yeah. I’m sorry about that. Can we try again?
Over the next few days, my heart experienced a type of humility that I’ve can’t even attempt to explain. I really thought that I was pretty decent at loving. I mean, I love loving people. I’m nice and I do nice things. I even talk to people I don’t like very much. And I smile – a lot. That’s love, right? I’m pretty decent at love; compared to other people, right?
But then God asked me to love that person who hurt my feelings last week. And the ones who have broken my heart.
Ok, [gulp] that can’t be too hard. Just be nice, and forget about the hurt, and be…normal.
then He asked if I would show love to the homeless, to the dad who beats his daughter, to the overly emotional friend who seems to demand attention (a lot), to that person who really gets on my nerves, the woman who had an affair, and the kid who doesn’t have friends at school. [Ok, anyone else?]. Yeah, the ex-boyfriend (yeah, that one), the parent who talks behind your back, and to the one who wants to be friends only when it’s convenient or on their terms.
[um...]
Ok, but…God…that’s a lot of people. A lot of difficult people. And so, if it becomes too hard to love that person, I’m going to have to back out ok? And if she oversteps my comfort zone too much, or if he plays with my heart one more time, I’m gonna back out on the whole love thing, ok? And I’ll be nice to people, and tolerate people, but if it becomes too suffocating, or frustrating; if it becomes scary, or takes too much of my time (b/c I’m real busy God)...yeah, You should probably have a back up ready, just in case.
And one more thing, God. I’ll love everyone, except him. Oh, and her. I can’t love them, ok?
[silence]
Silence from God means He agrees, right? So I went on loving, you know, my way. Then He spoke, and I was the one left sitting in silence.
“Hey Lindsey, we seem to have this conversation a lot. However, I love you, so here it goes, again. And this time, shut your mouth until I’m finished, then you can talk…”
[ok…]
“My word says exactly what I wanted it to say. I didn’t create a special clause where you could add in your own words or interpretation whenever you didn’t agree or wanted to change a word or two to make it more adaptable to your life. It doesn’t work that way. Ever. As for love, though, it states pretty plainly that you are to love one another. It doesn’t say to love them except when you’re afraid or tired or spread too thin or if it’s someone who’s hurt you, wronged you, doesn’t think like you, or someone you’d rather not love. It doesn’t say to love until it’s hard, and then you are excused from it. You don't think you get to pick and choose whom you love do you? If you want to love like Me, then you love completely. You go all the way, with all people. Yes, ALL people – even the ones you’d rather not love. And you don’t turn your back on them and run when it’s hard. You know, it’s not about you, Lindsey, or your rules and feelings and emotions. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, it is really quite simple: You either love or you don’t. And once you choose, you don't get to change your mind, or stop loving when you get uncomfortable, or when your heart gets stretched. You don't get that option. I don't give you that option. Because I don't do that with you. I love you, regardless. Even when you're hard to love. So, child,...love. or don't."
[silence]
(several days later)
"um...God...i think i'll choose love."
[well, that’s what I’ve discovered lately.]
No, not the ooshy-gushy, romantic kind of love (which I’m not so great at either), but the whole “love your neighbor,” agape kind of love.
It has seemed that everywhere I turn; love has been staring me in the face, hovering over my life. It’s been the central topic of my world for the past month-ish.
[And to be honest, it’s starting to be quite annoying]
I didn’t really understand why God was pushing this whole “love” business on me. I sort of arrogantly thought that there were other people in this world that needed to learn about love more than I did.
So after a month (-ish) of being bombarded by “love,” I decided I needed to talk to God about this love stuff, b/c honestly, I was ready to move on to something else.
[Little did I know that the answer would knock me to my knees]
The conversation went a little like this:
Me: God, You’ve been cramming ‘love’ into my life a lot lately.
God: Yes.
Me: What’s the deal?
God: I’m teaching you.
Me: I kind of figured You were, and I want to learn, but why not something like grace or mercy, or forgiveness, or humility, or faith, instead? Why love?
God: Because love is the basis for all those things.
Me: Oh. So, I’m guessing I need to work on the whole “love” thing?
God: Right.
Me: Ok…um...can You show me what You mean?
God: That’s what I’ve been trying to do. But you keep pushing it out of the way.
Me: Yeah. I’m sorry about that. Can we try again?
Over the next few days, my heart experienced a type of humility that I’ve can’t even attempt to explain. I really thought that I was pretty decent at loving. I mean, I love loving people. I’m nice and I do nice things. I even talk to people I don’t like very much. And I smile – a lot. That’s love, right? I’m pretty decent at love; compared to other people, right?
But then God asked me to love that person who hurt my feelings last week. And the ones who have broken my heart.
Ok, [gulp] that can’t be too hard. Just be nice, and forget about the hurt, and be…normal.
then He asked if I would show love to the homeless, to the dad who beats his daughter, to the overly emotional friend who seems to demand attention (a lot), to that person who really gets on my nerves, the woman who had an affair, and the kid who doesn’t have friends at school. [Ok, anyone else?]. Yeah, the ex-boyfriend (yeah, that one), the parent who talks behind your back, and to the one who wants to be friends only when it’s convenient or on their terms.
[um...]
Ok, but…God…that’s a lot of people. A lot of difficult people. And so, if it becomes too hard to love that person, I’m going to have to back out ok? And if she oversteps my comfort zone too much, or if he plays with my heart one more time, I’m gonna back out on the whole love thing, ok? And I’ll be nice to people, and tolerate people, but if it becomes too suffocating, or frustrating; if it becomes scary, or takes too much of my time (b/c I’m real busy God)...yeah, You should probably have a back up ready, just in case.
And one more thing, God. I’ll love everyone, except him. Oh, and her. I can’t love them, ok?
[silence]
Silence from God means He agrees, right? So I went on loving, you know, my way. Then He spoke, and I was the one left sitting in silence.
“Hey Lindsey, we seem to have this conversation a lot. However, I love you, so here it goes, again. And this time, shut your mouth until I’m finished, then you can talk…”
[ok…]
“My word says exactly what I wanted it to say. I didn’t create a special clause where you could add in your own words or interpretation whenever you didn’t agree or wanted to change a word or two to make it more adaptable to your life. It doesn’t work that way. Ever. As for love, though, it states pretty plainly that you are to love one another. It doesn’t say to love them except when you’re afraid or tired or spread too thin or if it’s someone who’s hurt you, wronged you, doesn’t think like you, or someone you’d rather not love. It doesn’t say to love until it’s hard, and then you are excused from it. You don't think you get to pick and choose whom you love do you? If you want to love like Me, then you love completely. You go all the way, with all people. Yes, ALL people – even the ones you’d rather not love. And you don’t turn your back on them and run when it’s hard. You know, it’s not about you, Lindsey, or your rules and feelings and emotions. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, it is really quite simple: You either love or you don’t. And once you choose, you don't get to change your mind, or stop loving when you get uncomfortable, or when your heart gets stretched. You don't get that option. I don't give you that option. Because I don't do that with you. I love you, regardless. Even when you're hard to love. So, child,...love. or don't."
[silence]
(several days later)
"um...God...i think i'll choose love."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
i forget.
I forget a lot.
Dates. Birthdays. Appointments. Big events. Promises. Friends.
I forget to make lesson plans and respond to inbox messages. I forget that I really needed to call that person, just to say hi.
I forget to wear my retainer.
I forget You.
I get distracted. A lot. (Ask my students.)
I begin conversations only to realize hours later that the conversation was never finished; that I got distracted and the person walked away. I start projects and books, thank you cards and cards just to say “hello” only to find them months later, stuffed in a box or a bag, page ear-marked or envelope sealed, waiting to be finished or sent off.
My intentions are always good of course. I decide I’m going to wash dishes, only to look up and see that it’s 1045pm and I’d much rather crawl in my bed than spend 15 minutes loading/unloading and getting dishwater hands. In fact, I plan many things only to realize that most of them fall by the wayside, waiting on me to step up and do them.
I get distracted a lot. And then I miss You.
Life gets so chaotic sometimes.
I let life get so chaotic sometimes. I squeeze 20 hours worth of stuff into a 8 hour work day. I say ‘yes’ because it’s the right thing to do. I fill my box with as many things as I possibly can, because to say ‘no’ or ‘next time’ means to disappoint. And in my mind to disappoint equals failure. And with all I’ve crammed, I get so stressed and frustrated and tired…and I forget.
I picked up my bible for the first time yesterday. in over a week.
It’s been longer than that before.
I don’t suggest it. I don’t encourage it. But I find it a little…ironic…that the page I turned to in my devotional was exactly what I needed to hear. I was a little afraid to open it, for I was sure that as soon as I’d crack the cover, He’d send angels and Moses straight to my bedroom to chastise me and put me in my place.
(Ok, so that was a little overrated. And I really didn’t think that would happen, though I’m sure He could pull it off…)
Did you know that God told Gideon that He wanted to use him to save Israel and that Gideon questioned God three times? Did you know that when God told Gideon He wanted to use him that Gideon asked God to prove Himself? I was reading this yesterday and laughed. Outloud. Yep.
Then I realized…that I do the same thing.
I forget.
I get distracted.
And I ask the God of this universe, the Creator, Savior, …the Star Namer and the Path Carver …to prove Himself to me.
Ha.
As if He didn’t do enough that Friday on Calvary. And the following Sunday.
But I ask anyway.
And…just like Gideon…He looks at me like I’m crazy and says no He shows me how mighty and powerful and gracious and loving and…. faithful He is.
He makes the fleece wet and the ground dry. (and I ask again).
So He makes the fleece dry and the ground wet. (until I finally ”get it”).
But, despite my lack of faith sometimes, He remains faithful. Always.
“if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (thanks Kayce for reminding me of this).
even when I forget.
even when I get distracted.
even when I (stupidly) ask for proof.
over. and over.
He is faithful.
Dates. Birthdays. Appointments. Big events. Promises. Friends.
I forget to make lesson plans and respond to inbox messages. I forget that I really needed to call that person, just to say hi.
I forget to wear my retainer.
I forget You.
I get distracted. A lot. (Ask my students.)
I begin conversations only to realize hours later that the conversation was never finished; that I got distracted and the person walked away. I start projects and books, thank you cards and cards just to say “hello” only to find them months later, stuffed in a box or a bag, page ear-marked or envelope sealed, waiting to be finished or sent off.
My intentions are always good of course. I decide I’m going to wash dishes, only to look up and see that it’s 1045pm and I’d much rather crawl in my bed than spend 15 minutes loading/unloading and getting dishwater hands. In fact, I plan many things only to realize that most of them fall by the wayside, waiting on me to step up and do them.
I get distracted a lot. And then I miss You.
I let life get so chaotic sometimes. I squeeze 20 hours worth of stuff into a 8 hour work day. I say ‘yes’ because it’s the right thing to do. I fill my box with as many things as I possibly can, because to say ‘no’ or ‘next time’ means to disappoint. And in my mind to disappoint equals failure. And with all I’ve crammed, I get so stressed and frustrated and tired…and I forget.
I picked up my bible for the first time yesterday. in over a week.
I don’t suggest it. I don’t encourage it. But I find it a little…ironic…that the page I turned to in my devotional was exactly what I needed to hear. I was a little afraid to open it, for I was sure that as soon as I’d crack the cover, He’d send angels and Moses straight to my bedroom to chastise me and put me in my place.
(Ok, so that was a little overrated. And I really didn’t think that would happen, though I’m sure He could pull it off…)
Did you know that God told Gideon that He wanted to use him to save Israel and that Gideon questioned God three times? Did you know that when God told Gideon He wanted to use him that Gideon asked God to prove Himself? I was reading this yesterday and laughed. Outloud. Yep.
Then I realized…that I do the same thing.
I forget.
I get distracted.
And I ask the God of this universe, the Creator, Savior, …the Star Namer and the Path Carver …to prove Himself to me.
Ha.
As if He didn’t do enough that Friday on Calvary. And the following Sunday.
But I ask anyway.
And…just like Gideon…
He makes the fleece wet and the ground dry. (and I ask again).
So He makes the fleece dry and the ground wet. (until I finally ”get it”).
But, despite my lack of faith sometimes, He remains faithful. Always.
“if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (thanks Kayce for reminding me of this).
even when I forget.
even when I get distracted.
even when I (stupidly) ask for proof.
over. and over.
He is faithful.
Friday, March 6, 2009
frustrating fridays
disclaimer: this is a vent post. I apologize in advance that it may not make sense and it may be all over the place. I also apologize because I know it is nowhere close to what I normally write. The next post will be better. I promise.
Fridays are relatively easy here at school. At least as far as teaching English is concerned. We call it SSR (silent sustained reading). And it’s really quite simple. Students are required to bring a book to class every Friday. It can be a book from the library or one from home. The only stipulation is that it cannot be a comic book, newspaper, magazine, textbook, or something inappropriate for school. They bring the book and the only assignment that day is that they read. 45 mins of uninterrupted reading (I even let them stop reading after 38 mins if they’ve been quiet). It’s not difficult and there are no tests to take based on the books they read. After 5 Fridays of reading, they are to come to me and do a Book Talk based on their book. this is a test grade and a VERY big part of their 6 weeks grade. I usually thumb through the story asking them random questions about the characters, or I’ll read a page or two and ask them what certain things mean, or I’ll simply just let them tell me about the book. The hardest part about the entire SSR requirement is that they are to read a minimum of 300 pages per 6 weeks. If they come in and simply read, without talking or cutting up, then they only have to read during class time. However, if they are a slower reader or if they disrupt the class, then they’ll need to read at home. Sounds simple right?
Hardly. Every Friday I bring my own book, fully excited and prepared to leisurely read. However, most of the time, I spend the class period asking students to be quiet and finding “other work” for those who didn’t bring a book to do. Today I got in about 5 pages but that was during my conference period, in between helping students with our newspaper (which is way past deadline) and running errands.
I know not all students love reading. I get that. I understand that. I empathize with that. However, they are allowed to choose their own book. They can pick anything they want: sports, mystery, love, murder mystery, vampires, biography, …etc. They can bring the bible or a devotion book – frankly, I don’t care what they read, as long as they get their pages in.
Every Friday they receive a grade accordingly: 90 (for reading and being quiet the entire class period), 50 (if they are loud or if they have to leave my class and go get their book), 0 (if they fall asleep, have to go to the library, or talk a lot). blah blah blah.
However, instead of being simple, Friday’s are a pain. The kids talk and don’t bring books (even when we’ve been doing this for 4 six weeks so far), and they continue to erk my nerves for the 45 minutes we spend together. Fridays are hard enough as it is: the kids are tired and so are we. they are ready for the weekend and their brains have been pushed to the limit, so Friday should be a day of relaxation and calmness…
(deep breath)
the final bell just rang.
finally.
Fridays are relatively easy here at school. At least as far as teaching English is concerned. We call it SSR (silent sustained reading). And it’s really quite simple. Students are required to bring a book to class every Friday. It can be a book from the library or one from home. The only stipulation is that it cannot be a comic book, newspaper, magazine, textbook, or something inappropriate for school. They bring the book and the only assignment that day is that they read. 45 mins of uninterrupted reading (I even let them stop reading after 38 mins if they’ve been quiet). It’s not difficult and there are no tests to take based on the books they read. After 5 Fridays of reading, they are to come to me and do a Book Talk based on their book. this is a test grade and a VERY big part of their 6 weeks grade. I usually thumb through the story asking them random questions about the characters, or I’ll read a page or two and ask them what certain things mean, or I’ll simply just let them tell me about the book. The hardest part about the entire SSR requirement is that they are to read a minimum of 300 pages per 6 weeks. If they come in and simply read, without talking or cutting up, then they only have to read during class time. However, if they are a slower reader or if they disrupt the class, then they’ll need to read at home. Sounds simple right?
Hardly. Every Friday I bring my own book, fully excited and prepared to leisurely read. However, most of the time, I spend the class period asking students to be quiet and finding “other work” for those who didn’t bring a book to do. Today I got in about 5 pages but that was during my conference period, in between helping students with our newspaper (which is way past deadline) and running errands.
I know not all students love reading. I get that. I understand that. I empathize with that. However, they are allowed to choose their own book. They can pick anything they want: sports, mystery, love, murder mystery, vampires, biography, …etc. They can bring the bible or a devotion book – frankly, I don’t care what they read, as long as they get their pages in.
Every Friday they receive a grade accordingly: 90 (for reading and being quiet the entire class period), 50 (if they are loud or if they have to leave my class and go get their book), 0 (if they fall asleep, have to go to the library, or talk a lot). blah blah blah.
However, instead of being simple, Friday’s are a pain. The kids talk and don’t bring books (even when we’ve been doing this for 4 six weeks so far), and they continue to erk my nerves for the 45 minutes we spend together. Fridays are hard enough as it is: the kids are tired and so are we. they are ready for the weekend and their brains have been pushed to the limit, so Friday should be a day of relaxation and calmness…
(deep breath)
the final bell just rang.
finally.
Monday, February 23, 2009
greener grass and lessons learned
It’s so ironic how things happen in life that you most certainly would not have written into your specific story. Great relationships. And not so great breakups. Conversations. Moments of perfect worship to your Savior. A friendship that has lasted (through thick and thin) for fifteen years. A friendship that ended too quickly. The death of a loved one. Marriages. Births. Moments of weakness. Moments of success. Moments of complete bliss and those you’d rather not live through again. No matter what the situation – both good and bad – if you really sit and look back at the moments of your life, you probably wouldn’t have planned them out for yourself. Of course, you would hope for some of the great moments, and you probably would have rather not had to go through some of the not so great moments, but if long ago someone handed you a piece of paper asking you to write out the specific moments you wanted to live through – you probably wouldn’t come close to dreaming up and writing down the things you’ve actually experienced.
Then there are those times when you look around your life, at the lives of others and their experiences, and wish that you could’ve experienced something similar to theirs, or perhaps you’d like to trade lives with them because they seem to just slide through life with no real difficult life problem or huge issue (according to your view of it). Or maybe their love life seems perfect, or their relationship with their family/siblings/friends seems so endearing, or maybe they experienced something magical or have a great talent that you’d love to write into your life. Or maybe their road to success seemed simple, or maybe their life at 24 is exactly where, if asked to write it out at 18, you would’ve written your life to be. Maybe their skin is flawless or their size 4 figure is something you secretly covet, or you wish you had an older brother or twin or ….and the list could go on and on and on.
All that to say, there are certain things that God forms into our life story that we could never create for ourselves quite in the way that He does. And there are certain things in which we think would be great for our life, or things that we get angry because we had to experience it, that God, in His infinite wisdom, shows us (sometimes we don’t realize until years later) that He added it into our story for a reason. And sometimes when we look at the horizon and the path seems to go in a direction that doesn’t seem right to us – His plan is perfect.
I was reading in Exodus the other day where Moses is taking the people from Egypt. Basically (and you should all go read it in chapter 13) God lead the people a different way (a longer and more difficult way – the wilderness) instead of straight through to where they needed to go. He took them through the wilderness and to the Red Sea (where He split the water and they walked through on dry land) …and I can just imagine their thoughts when traveling and their conversations with Moses. I imagine them pointing out that the other way was easier and faster; that they were tired and worn out and ready to get to a settled place, and going around the city was absolutely ridiculous. And then, when walking upon the Red Sea, shouting out complaints because now they were at an obstacle, and if they would’ve just gone the other way, they wouldn’t have to face this now. And Blah. Blah. Blah.
Anyway, the Lord (and Moses because of the Lord) looked at the situation in a completely different light. The Lord knew that if they walked through the city, the people would’ve seen the war, changed their minds, and turned back to Egypt. He knew that their human nature would take over and the idea that they knew best would overrule, and the road to freedom from Pharaoh would be backtracked.
Isn’t that how our lives are today (sometimes)? We walk through life, pointing out, that certain ways would be easier, faster, more efficient (in our minds) and that we could really learn a lot from going this certain way. In fact, we try, at times, to convince God that going through a certain obstacle isn’t something we really need right now, and that we’d really appreciate it, if we could try a different path. Or, maybe we really enjoy the way the Lord is taking us right now – maybe there isn’t anything we’d like to change and so we simply remind the Lord that we really like our life (and the amazing blessings He is placing there at the moment), and that we’d kindly appreciate if He could keep us going down this road. What we fail to realize, is that the Lord looks at the situation in a completely different light. He knows us. He knows that if we walk through a certain way, perhaps, that we would experience something and run – or experience something, love it, soak in it, and want to stay. What I think is so incredible about His plan, is that He knows where Lindsey needs to go. He knows what I need to experience and what I don’t. He knows the lessons that I need to learn, the ones I’ll struggle with learning, the ones I’ll pick up easily, and that some will take a little longer for me to grasp than others. He knows that sometimes, I need to be taken around the city, instead of through it, because – while I am trusting Him and following His guide, I might see war (or something great) and run back to where I came from (or want to stay). I believe wholeheartedly that God thought out each plan, individually, perfectly for our lives, and that He creates the paths specifically for each person. I believe that some people have to walk through the valleys because He wants them to truly be grateful for the mountain view. Maybe I need to experience struggle with obstacle A, while someone else doesn’t. Or that maybe I don’t need encouragement through blessing Q but someone else does.
Just as the people following Moses’ lead had no idea why they had to go around the city (and didn’t know that the great miracle of the Red Sea was coming), we sometimes don’t see beyond the horizon to the beautiful fullness that lies over the hill. Hmmm..how beautiful to know, that His plan is perfect, His ways are wise, and His footsteps are always leading in the right direction.
:)
Then there are those times when you look around your life, at the lives of others and their experiences, and wish that you could’ve experienced something similar to theirs, or perhaps you’d like to trade lives with them because they seem to just slide through life with no real difficult life problem or huge issue (according to your view of it). Or maybe their love life seems perfect, or their relationship with their family/siblings/friends seems so endearing, or maybe they experienced something magical or have a great talent that you’d love to write into your life. Or maybe their road to success seemed simple, or maybe their life at 24 is exactly where, if asked to write it out at 18, you would’ve written your life to be. Maybe their skin is flawless or their size 4 figure is something you secretly covet, or you wish you had an older brother or twin or ….and the list could go on and on and on.
All that to say, there are certain things that God forms into our life story that we could never create for ourselves quite in the way that He does. And there are certain things in which we think would be great for our life, or things that we get angry because we had to experience it, that God, in His infinite wisdom, shows us (sometimes we don’t realize until years later) that He added it into our story for a reason. And sometimes when we look at the horizon and the path seems to go in a direction that doesn’t seem right to us – His plan is perfect.
I was reading in Exodus the other day where Moses is taking the people from Egypt. Basically (and you should all go read it in chapter 13) God lead the people a different way (a longer and more difficult way – the wilderness) instead of straight through to where they needed to go. He took them through the wilderness and to the Red Sea (where He split the water and they walked through on dry land) …and I can just imagine their thoughts when traveling and their conversations with Moses. I imagine them pointing out that the other way was easier and faster; that they were tired and worn out and ready to get to a settled place, and going around the city was absolutely ridiculous. And then, when walking upon the Red Sea, shouting out complaints because now they were at an obstacle, and if they would’ve just gone the other way, they wouldn’t have to face this now. And Blah. Blah. Blah.
Anyway, the Lord (and Moses because of the Lord) looked at the situation in a completely different light. The Lord knew that if they walked through the city, the people would’ve seen the war, changed their minds, and turned back to Egypt. He knew that their human nature would take over and the idea that they knew best would overrule, and the road to freedom from Pharaoh would be backtracked.
Isn’t that how our lives are today (sometimes)? We walk through life, pointing out, that certain ways would be easier, faster, more efficient (in our minds) and that we could really learn a lot from going this certain way. In fact, we try, at times, to convince God that going through a certain obstacle isn’t something we really need right now, and that we’d really appreciate it, if we could try a different path. Or, maybe we really enjoy the way the Lord is taking us right now – maybe there isn’t anything we’d like to change and so we simply remind the Lord that we really like our life (and the amazing blessings He is placing there at the moment), and that we’d kindly appreciate if He could keep us going down this road. What we fail to realize, is that the Lord looks at the situation in a completely different light. He knows us. He knows that if we walk through a certain way, perhaps, that we would experience something and run – or experience something, love it, soak in it, and want to stay. What I think is so incredible about His plan, is that He knows where Lindsey needs to go. He knows what I need to experience and what I don’t. He knows the lessons that I need to learn, the ones I’ll struggle with learning, the ones I’ll pick up easily, and that some will take a little longer for me to grasp than others. He knows that sometimes, I need to be taken around the city, instead of through it, because – while I am trusting Him and following His guide, I might see war (or something great) and run back to where I came from (or want to stay). I believe wholeheartedly that God thought out each plan, individually, perfectly for our lives, and that He creates the paths specifically for each person. I believe that some people have to walk through the valleys because He wants them to truly be grateful for the mountain view. Maybe I need to experience struggle with obstacle A, while someone else doesn’t. Or that maybe I don’t need encouragement through blessing Q but someone else does.
Just as the people following Moses’ lead had no idea why they had to go around the city (and didn’t know that the great miracle of the Red Sea was coming), we sometimes don’t see beyond the horizon to the beautiful fullness that lies over the hill. Hmmm..how beautiful to know, that His plan is perfect, His ways are wise, and His footsteps are always leading in the right direction.
:)
Monday, February 2, 2009
oh to be loved...
As of Wednesday night, I was done. After weeks of complete exhaustion I am finished with desperately trying to “do the right thing” with something in my life. You see, I’ve always been the people pleaser. I’ve always been the one to immediately try to fix things (whether it be physical things or people issues), and I keep trying and putting forth effort over and over to force peace, even if it means being hurt in the process.
Over the past few weeks I’ve done just that: people please. I’ve forced effort that I didn’t really want to force, I’ve said things that I really didn’t believe in my heart, and I’ve pushed and pushed to try to make a friendship work that simply wasn’t working. All because it was the right thing to do.
(isn’t that absolutely ridiculous?)
And so, I’ve kept quiet. Actually, I didn’t really have words to say…to you, to my friends, even in prayer. My heart has been so heavy that when I tried to put into words, to explain to the Lord exactly how I felt and what was going on, …I couldn’t. Thankfully, we serve a God who can read our hearts when our human words fail. And so because I didn’t have words, I was forced to sit, to dwell in His presence, and to let Him do His thing. For the first two weeks there was silence: horrible, frustrating, silence where I begged God to speak, to tell me what to do, to fix and organize everything that was going on in my heart. Days passed as I struggled with waiting to hear His voice. Then, almost audibly, as if He was sitting on the edge of my bed (like my dad used to do when I was little and we had our father/daughter talks), He spoke to me ever so gently saying:
“Lindsey, I love you. Did you forget that? Do you understand that? I love you with an everlasting, all consuming love. A love that is so faithful and a love that is so real. I love you when you hurt, and when your world is all you hoped it would be. I love you when you fail, and when you succeed. And when you are on the top of the mountains of life – excited and screaming greatness for the world to hear – I love you. And when you’re crawling through the dark valley…so tired and full of frustration because you cannot see more than the step right in front of you…I love you and I am there (and I am here now). I told you that I will never take you to a place or through something that you cannot bare. My Word says that you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all of your heart..so seek Me, Lindsey. Seek Me always. Seek me when you’re on the mountain and seek Me when you are in the valley. Because I will always walk before you, and I will always speak for you when you don’t have the words, and I will always, always, guide your path in perfect ways. Even when those ways seem hard and pointless, or when they take you to places where your heart has to hurt. I do that because I love you. I do that because I want to teach you to rely on Me, to trust Me,..to seek Me.”
I cannot explain to you in simple words that would make you understand that multitude of that conversation. But I can explain to you in simple words that I am so awestruck still that He chooses to love me. He wants to love me. wow. In the valley or on the mountain. In the midst of happiness or tears. When the walk is rough and chaotic, and when it is smooth and peaceful. Always. I’ve always known that, but it became something so different when He revealed it to me that night.
And so I did just what He said. I sought Him. only Him. And I quit. I quit trying to please. I quit trying to figure things out. I quit trying to make peace, trying to find words, trying to whatever….. I just quit.
And because He is so perfect in planning my life, and because He knows exactly where to place me, where He wants me, and how to get me to that point (literally, emotionally, and spiritually), I believe He has me exactly where He wants me, right now, in this place, because He has something He needs me to do (or something to teach me or show me) that can’t be accomplished anywhere else, at any other time. So I’m going to stick to seeking Him, and I’m going to stick to doing whatever it is that He wants me to do or learn right now, at this moment, until He moves me from this moment, to another one, to do and learn whatever He needs me to do there.
hmm. to be loved. that much.
Over the past few weeks I’ve done just that: people please. I’ve forced effort that I didn’t really want to force, I’ve said things that I really didn’t believe in my heart, and I’ve pushed and pushed to try to make a friendship work that simply wasn’t working. All because it was the right thing to do.
(isn’t that absolutely ridiculous?)
And so, I’ve kept quiet. Actually, I didn’t really have words to say…to you, to my friends, even in prayer. My heart has been so heavy that when I tried to put into words, to explain to the Lord exactly how I felt and what was going on, …I couldn’t. Thankfully, we serve a God who can read our hearts when our human words fail. And so because I didn’t have words, I was forced to sit, to dwell in His presence, and to let Him do His thing. For the first two weeks there was silence: horrible, frustrating, silence where I begged God to speak, to tell me what to do, to fix and organize everything that was going on in my heart. Days passed as I struggled with waiting to hear His voice. Then, almost audibly, as if He was sitting on the edge of my bed (like my dad used to do when I was little and we had our father/daughter talks), He spoke to me ever so gently saying:
“Lindsey, I love you. Did you forget that? Do you understand that? I love you with an everlasting, all consuming love. A love that is so faithful and a love that is so real. I love you when you hurt, and when your world is all you hoped it would be. I love you when you fail, and when you succeed. And when you are on the top of the mountains of life – excited and screaming greatness for the world to hear – I love you. And when you’re crawling through the dark valley…so tired and full of frustration because you cannot see more than the step right in front of you…I love you and I am there (and I am here now). I told you that I will never take you to a place or through something that you cannot bare. My Word says that you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all of your heart..so seek Me, Lindsey. Seek Me always. Seek me when you’re on the mountain and seek Me when you are in the valley. Because I will always walk before you, and I will always speak for you when you don’t have the words, and I will always, always, guide your path in perfect ways. Even when those ways seem hard and pointless, or when they take you to places where your heart has to hurt. I do that because I love you. I do that because I want to teach you to rely on Me, to trust Me,..to seek Me.”
I cannot explain to you in simple words that would make you understand that multitude of that conversation. But I can explain to you in simple words that I am so awestruck still that He chooses to love me. He wants to love me. wow. In the valley or on the mountain. In the midst of happiness or tears. When the walk is rough and chaotic, and when it is smooth and peaceful. Always. I’ve always known that, but it became something so different when He revealed it to me that night.
And so I did just what He said. I sought Him. only Him. And I quit. I quit trying to please. I quit trying to figure things out. I quit trying to make peace, trying to find words, trying to whatever….. I just quit.
And because He is so perfect in planning my life, and because He knows exactly where to place me, where He wants me, and how to get me to that point (literally, emotionally, and spiritually), I believe He has me exactly where He wants me, right now, in this place, because He has something He needs me to do (or something to teach me or show me) that can’t be accomplished anywhere else, at any other time. So I’m going to stick to seeking Him, and I’m going to stick to doing whatever it is that He wants me to do or learn right now, at this moment, until He moves me from this moment, to another one, to do and learn whatever He needs me to do there.
hmm. to be loved. that much.
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