oh to be loved...

As of Wednesday night, I was done. After weeks of complete exhaustion I am finished with desperately trying to “do the right thing” with something in my life. You see, I’ve always been the people pleaser. I’ve always been the one to immediately try to fix things (whether it be physical things or people issues), and I keep trying and putting forth effort over and over to force peace, even if it means being hurt in the process.




Over the past few weeks I’ve done just that: people please. I’ve forced effort that I didn’t really want to force, I’ve said things that I really didn’t believe in my heart, and I’ve pushed and pushed to try to make a friendship work that simply wasn’t working. All because it was the right thing to do.



(isn’t that absolutely ridiculous?)



And so, I’ve kept quiet. Actually, I didn’t really have words to say…to you, to my friends, even in prayer. My heart has been so heavy that when I tried to put into words, to explain to the Lord exactly how I felt and what was going on, …I couldn’t. Thankfully, we serve a God who can read our hearts when our human words fail. And so because I didn’t have words, I was forced to sit, to dwell in His presence, and to let Him do His thing. For the first two weeks there was silence: horrible, frustrating, silence where I begged God to speak, to tell me what to do, to fix and organize everything that was going on in my heart. Days passed as I struggled with waiting to hear His voice. Then, almost audibly, as if He was sitting on the edge of my bed (like my dad used to do when I was little and we had our father/daughter talks), He spoke to me ever so gently saying:



“Lindsey, I love you. Did you forget that? Do you understand that? I love you with an everlasting, all consuming love. A love that is so faithful and a love that is so real. I love you when you hurt, and when your world is all you hoped it would be. I love you when you fail, and when you succeed. And when you are on the top of the mountains of life – excited and screaming greatness for the world to hear – I love you. And when you’re crawling through the dark valley…so tired and full of frustration because you cannot see more than the step right in front of you…I love you and I am there (and I am here now). I told you that I will never take you to a place or through something that you cannot bare. My Word says that you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all of your heart..so seek Me, Lindsey. Seek Me always. Seek me when you’re on the mountain and seek Me when you are in the valley. Because I will always walk before you, and I will always speak for you when you don’t have the words, and I will always, always, guide your path in perfect ways. Even when those ways seem hard and pointless, or when they take you to places where your heart has to hurt. I do that because I love you. I do that because I want to teach you to rely on Me, to trust Me,..to seek Me.”



I cannot explain to you in simple words that would make you understand that multitude of that conversation. But I can explain to you in simple words that I am so awestruck still that He chooses to love me. He wants to love me. wow. In the valley or on the mountain. In the midst of happiness or tears. When the walk is rough and chaotic, and when it is smooth and peaceful. Always. I’ve always known that, but it became something so different when He revealed it to me that night.



And so I did just what He said. I sought Him. only Him. And I quit. I quit trying to please. I quit trying to figure things out. I quit trying to make peace, trying to find words, trying to whatever….. I just quit.



And because He is so perfect in planning my life, and because He knows exactly where to place me, where He wants me, and how to get me to that point (literally, emotionally, and spiritually), I believe He has me exactly where He wants me, right now, in this place, because He has something He needs me to do (or something to teach me or show me) that can’t be accomplished anywhere else, at any other time. So I’m going to stick to seeking Him, and I’m going to stick to doing whatever it is that He wants me to do or learn right now, at this moment, until He moves me from this moment, to another one, to do and learn whatever He needs me to do there.



hmm. to be loved. that much.